In my post about the physical touch language, I started talking about how I spiral when I’m physically apart from my partner, so this is the post to unpack that emotional response. I find that my spirals happen anytime my partner goes silent – the more responsive they were prior to the silence, the worse the spiral. The contrast in their behavior is something I’m extraordinarily sensitive to. The last partner I really liked invoked a feeling that effectively had me asking the question “will I ever see you again?” after each time we saw each other. It was extremely stressful for me.

It turns out that my touch needs in a partner are linked to the insecurity and trauma of both emotional and physical abandonment. The anxious attachment sparked as early as infancy, my first memories include being left at a store around age 4, my stepparents wanted me out of their house – my parents were oblivious, most of my exes found their “forever” soon after me, and it turns out that has translated into spiraling whenever a new partner goes silent. Once I invest in someone, I want to know they’re still there.

To me, a once-a-day check in doesn’t seem like a lot. I had dating periods that I was checking in with at least 8 people everyday. So, it’s hard for someone with my bandwidth abilities to put myself in a position of someone who cannot manage the bandwidth to check in with their partner everyday. I have to accept that it’s possible, but a large part of my nervous system (and people on the internet) will say that this person doesn’t care about me. The anxious part is triggered, and my fear of abandonment or discard becomes a grandiose distraction from the rest of my life. “Will I be rejected again?”

I’m far more healed than I was. I now know that their rejection of me is based in them and their needs as well as their comfort. I want the report card feedback to learn from the situation, but I haven’t gotten any. I have to unpack my issues on my own, as part of the fallout after a discard. I struggle here because some part of my brain thinks I can “do better” or “fix myself” the next time. When I understand objectively that some people just aren’t going to like me. That’s okay, and it’s better to move on from people that don’t like me or just don’t want to be with me. Deep down, I know that as long as I keep working and learning, someday I’ll find someone who does like me.

Perhaps some perfectionist tendencies are still present? I want to be liked (who doesn’t?), but I know in my teaching that not every student will like me. I know I’m not for everyone. But, damn am I tired of rejection. It’s reaching the same level of difficulty as my PhD, folks. How many times can my attempts fail before I succeed? Can I take it failing again? Will it ever succeed? These are questions that I asked during my PhD research, but they seem relevant to dating.

I know the trauma that is triggered, so I’m on the path. I still get triggered, though. My latest partner hadn’t triggered me… until about a month in. Better, but still not where I’d like to be. I did not send a 4am essay after our second date, so I’ll have to admit there’s improvement. I did start sending stressed out messages in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep because they went an entire day without contact. Not great. But, when someone talks to you every day for a month, then suddenly doesn’t, I think it’s significant. Should it send off alarm bells and cause a spiral? No. That’s where I need more improvement. I was doing satisfactory up until that point, so I take with me yet another lesson.

My story this week is about my PhD.

I’m a professor. So, I’m basically doing the job most people think they want a PhD for. It’s a sought-after job, despite the lack of recognition, support, and pay for services required to advance/maintain the position. I feel like everyone who completes a PhD must be a people pleaser with low self-worth (I’m generalizing based on myself, here, not actually labeling anyone else) because we give so much of ourselves for something that next-to-no-one actually cares about. I doubt more than 20 people read my dissertation. The act of completing a PhD is so narrow in scope that hardly anyone has a need, let alone desire, to read it.

I took 7 years to complete my PhD. My students are pretty shocked by my academic trajectory. Part of that 7 years was due to a “two-body problem” that involved a long commute to coordinate with my first husband. However, part of that was also just hitting walls in my research. I try to warn my students that completing a PhD is not at all like undergrad. When you have to contribute something new to the field, you are creating something someone has never done before – the path there is not easy.

I’m sure some people (who complete their PhD on schedule) hit less walls. I hit so many walls from attempting my problem from different angles, with different techniques and approximations that I wanted to give up. The last attempt was the one that worked, but it was also the one where I turned to a faculty member I was TAing for and just said “If this one doesn’t work… you may not see me again.” I was ready to give up when I finally got it to work. I finally got something new and meaningful in my research when I was ready to give up.

I had the same problem with fertility. I worked SO hard with no results. I was ready to give up, I didn’t believe it was ever going to happen – and it did. I hear from people all the time that love is the same. When you finally stop looking for it, that’s when you find it. So, when I had admitted to myself that my heart was not available because I was still grieving my last partner (7 months later), someone walked into my life. I feel like the moment I thought it could work was the moment everything turned and fell apart, again. What do I do when every time I’ve started to think things are working, they fall apart? I give up, universe. Show me love exists out there for me, I guess? Because I can’t look anymore.

STOP. Take a breath. Let things go. Do the work and things fall into place. Spiraling doesn’t help anyone, but if you still do it – I’m with you. I see you, I feel you, and I’m walking the same path to heal and find peace. You got this ❤

Love and reassurance, -S.