This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Parents–Please-e25nns1

There seems to be a movement these days to meet children where they are at and I’ve read about evidence that talking to children like we talk with adults helps their cognitive development. The most empowering interactions of my childhood were the times I was treated like another human being, not just “a child.” I think the evidence is well-known that baby talk causes delays in speech development, but this is a bigger relationship picture between adults and children. I’m in full support of talking to my child like I would any adult because those were the moments I felt the most validated as a child.

What does this look like? I’m going to break it down into parts: 1) using my full vocabulary when I speak to my child, 2) responding in full to every question the same way I would if an adult student asked me the same thing (I do not dismiss any questions as beyond my child’s understanding), 3) I ask my child questions that I would ask an adult about their day, experience, feelings, etc. 4) I give them the same respect I would give another adult. In short, I treat them like a full person, because they are a full person. People always used to refer to kids as “half,” and what I mean by that is that when we went to a restaurant – the adults would refer to the number as “4 and a half” where the half was referring to a child. I think our society is working to shift this appropriately so that we recognize our children as full people – because they are.

I use my full vocabulary when I talk to my child. I don’t “dumb” anything “down.” I am an academic, so I use fun words sometimes that I then have to explain to my child. I think this is excellent for them. We know that reading helps to grow a person’s vocabulary, but I think the language used at home impacts this a lot as well. I’m also wise enough to know that if my child hears me speak differently to my friends than I do when I speak to them – they will notice. So, I talk to them as I do my friends. I try to avoid slang and expletives, but I do not avoid words they might not know. They know they can ask, and they do. My child is a very good communicator at 3 years of age – probably not top of the class, but they can tell me a lot.

As a professor, I embraced the “there are no stupid questions” philosophy a long time ago. So, with my child, there is no question too complex for them to understand the answer, nor is there a question too “stupid” for me to answer when they ask. The only struggle we encounter at this age is that I do not always understand the question. What do I do in those scenarios? I say something like “I’m sorry, honey, I don’t understand what you are asking. Will you please try again?” I model, to the best of my ability, respect and engagement in what they want – even if I have no idea what it is they are asking. Also: I keep trying. I think that my child’s experiences are valid and I want to do my best to engage with them when they seek that.

I ask my child about their experiences a lot. Even at 3 years old, there’s a lot they are doing every day. If I don’t ask them questions, I’m not showing an interest in their experience. I feel disconnected from them. I got in the habit of turning off my music on the drive home from school so we can talk. They can tell me about their day, or just talk about what we’re driving by, but it gives a sense of connection even though we’re in different sections of the vehicle. I love my music; it was hard to get into that habit. It’s paying off, though. I’m learning who my child’s friends are, the activities they enjoy at school, and I get reasons to smile and laugh on the drive home. I think all of these are good things.

I titled this post “Parents, Please” because I want to plead to the parents: please treat your child like a full human. Thank them, apologize when you hurt/upset them, show an interest in them, listen to them, and have the presence to hear them. When we are dismissed as children, it hardens us. We feel powerless. As adults, I know we all feel it. But, as adults, we can make choices that children cannot. So, I feel like it’s even more important for me to keep such a presence and awareness with my child because they don’t have the knowledge or power that an adult has. I feel like it’s my job to serve as a support and role model. All I can do is my best, so I try to be my best with them. (I think this is how all of us feel as parents, but I also think this means different things for every parent. Hopefully, you find something helpful in what I’ve shared.)

My story this week is merely an indication of my child’s full person-hood.

I’ve shared that I dance a lot, have danced a lot, etc. I also taught various dance classes over the years: contemporary, jazz, musical theatre, ballet, swing, blues, ballroom, etc. I stopped teaching dance when I started trying to have a child. So, on a rare occasion I get to substitute for a class. One time I was the only person who could cover a pointe class, but I had to bring my child with me to class. The studio owner was just happy to have it covered, so I brought my child and as much as I could think of to entertain them. They were about 2.5 at this point.

My child loves to dance. I’m a parent who is always playing music, singing, dancing around, etc. So, it’s not surprising that my child also loves to dance. I used to do barre exercises with them strapped to my chest in a carrier. I had to stop when they were about 18lbs… grand pliés are not a good idea with a child that large strapped to your chest. I was genuinely surprised by their behavior. I doubt it’s often that a child of that age enjoys a pointe class. They had a ball. Between running the length of the dance studio, eating a snack while watching the dancers, and then dancing with the dancers – they thought it was the best thing ever. Huge parent relief moment. The best part? They ask to go to dance class, all the time. Soon they’ll be able to start a dance class of their own, but for now – they love going to dance class with me. I know they may not love it forever, but it’s adorable in the present.

Embrace your children, if you have them. Not just the physical embraces, but also their existence and person.

I see you, working as hard as you can. You’re doing great! Love, -S.