This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Anxious-Attachment-e270ve1
If you’ve never read about attachment theory, it was a really enlightening read for me. I have disorganized attachment, which means that I express characteristics of both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. My anxious attachment is the strongest, and also the one that causes me the most grief in relationships. So, I’m going to talk about anxious attachment first.
In short, anxious attachment develops due to “inconsistent or misaligned parenting in terms of the child’s needs being met” (quotes from The Attachment Project). Sometimes, this can be because the caregiver is capable of meeting those needs, but is unreliable in their response (inconsistent). Or, the caregiver attempts to meet the child’s needs, but is not capable of doing so in the way that the child needs (misaligned). Adults with anxious attachment may experience “low self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships are common signs of this attachment style.”
So, if you’ve read many of my posts, then you know I’ve experienced all of the above. The worst of which is the clinginess to anyone who showed me affection or love. Therapy helps, understanding attachment theory helps, but I had a major breakthrough by a combination of therapy, friends, and a relationship that I was willing to work for. In conversations with friends and therapy, I went deep into my youngest memories. Then, when I got triggered with fear in my relationship, I managed to recognize the feelings from my youngest memories and bridge the connection between my feelings of abandonment in youth and my fear in the present. I’m not “healed” as I write this, but I have a lot more perspective about what is happening. My hope is that I’m on a path to someday finding myself in a relationship where I’m no longer regularly triggered by my anxious attachment issues.
I will tell you how I feel; for anyone else who may resonate with these feelings. Anecdotes feel more personal than the language describing a general diagnosis. When someone I like shows me affection, support, or any kind of love – it elates me inside. As though it opens a door into my being that reveals an emptiness that was closed off in compartmentalization to protect my functionality. Like a deserted wasteland inside me, that was intended to be an ocean. The drops of water from every motion of appreciation baits my thirst, but doesn’t quench it. In my analysis, I’m seeking an ocean when we were not meant to give or receive that much from each other. But, in my case, I’m so parched that “normal” exchanges cannot meet my needs.
I’ve started going back through my memories in therapy. I’m pulling forward the things that were compartmentalized and repressed because my needs were not met. I’m allowing space for the feelings from those memories in a safer space, where I know that I am the adult. In these moments, child me needed an adult, but an adult was not there to meet my need. Adult me has to step in to be that adult for that child. It’s somewhat metaphoric, and may sound cliché, but it’s healing. When I get triggered, I want to be held. I want some human that cares for me to wrap their arms around me and tell me I’m going to be okay. That they’re here for me. That they love me.
I have memories of both causes: inconsistent and misaligned parenting. What I realized in therapy was that most of my anxious attachment was first developed before I could remember; from infancy. My mom tells a story, that she always thought was funny. I struggled with why it was funny, but as an adult I can say: it’s not funny. Not when you understand attachment theory. I learned to crawl at six months old. But, the story is that my mom found out that I had learned to crawl because I crawled to her while she was in the bath… from the living room. If we take a moment, together, to honor the experience of a 6 month old baby: how do you think that baby felt? Why did they learn to crawl to seek out their mother? What impact do you think that would have on their feelings of attachment? I’m going to leave those as open questions, but I encourage you to answer them. Do not dismiss the effects of our actions as parents, regardless of the ages of our children. We didn’t know better when I was an infant. We’ve learned better now, and we can all work to do better with our kids.
My story this week is about friendships. The only relationships I seem to be “good” at.
I’ve been lucky in my friends. Most of them will be there for me. I think they’re amazing people. Unfortunately, we don’t get a lot of time with our friends in adulthood; life takes up more of our time. We have to make time to be together. I have a lot of good friends, and most of them I get to see about once every three months these days, at most. But, I have a friend I want to highlight this week, that means the world to me.
I said before that I fall in to people’s lives, but this friend fell into mine – through a dating app. We trauma bonded almost immediately, spent about 6+ hours talking until our mouths were dry and we were both barely able to keep our eyes open. I love them. They love me. They support me. They were the first person I shared this blog with. I read them my posts before I ever published. They’ve been a cheerleader through all my work since the moment I met them.
The most magical thing is that we just flow together, in friendship. We are much alike, our work aligns in ways where I would write about something that they were also working on when I read it to them. I dance, they play piano. The first time they played for me, I danced with them as they played. It was a symbiotic flow of movement and sound that felt amazing. The best thing about friendships for me is that I don’t suffer the same attachment issues in friendships. I can maintain secure attachment with friends.
But, this friend swore that I was stuck with them. That they’ll be there to support me and love me as a friend. I cried. A lot. Because my attachment issues were triggered with negative thoughts that made me disbelieve. How could someone commit to being my friend within months of knowing each other? What I’m learning to trust is that – it isn’t a “no matter what” – it’s a commitment to work. If we both invest in the friendship, it’ll continue “no matter what” because it’s the work that matters.
That’s secure attachment. Trust in each other, and a commitment to the work.
May you find trust and a willingness to work in your relationships. Love, -S.
Shells from a Beach 