This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Toots-or-Poops-e29o1tv

Something I asked my child a lot in the potty training period… It made me think of my days doing improvisational theatre. Parenting is a lot like improvisational theatre: constant new scenarios to play “Yes, and…” with in order to keep the sense of play and also redirect a toddler who wants to play with something they shouldn’t. This week’s post is about those times when we don’t know what’s going on with us.

Oh, the quote “never trust a fart.” Seems rather fitting for the title of this post. I feel like the same sentiment could be expressed about our thoughts and actions. Sometimes we do things intentionally, but a lot of the time we do things on auto-pilot. Sometimes we don’t know why we’re saying or doing the thing. In my younger days, it was harder to admit that I didn’t know. The older I get, the more I realize that accepting and owning the fact that we don’t know actually helps people understand more. It’s like “Yeah, I’m frustrated because I don’t know why I acted that way, either! I’m sorry.”

Our impulses are driven by our history. There are so many things I keep working to unlearn from patterns I developed as a child. Decisiveness and boundaries are probably the primary skills I’ve had to develop in adulthood. I know I’m not alone there. I think it’s important to acknowledge the times that we do things we don’t fully understand, but it can’t end there. I’ve done most of my growth through therapy and introspection. Without taking the time to suss out the underlying feelings and history – we can’t truly change the impulses. It takes time, and work, but it’s worth it.

We all have them, but we don’t all take the time to evaluate them. I think these might be tied to my post about cognitive reframe. Have you ever done something that you were disappointed in, but instead of evaluating the underlying cause of the action – you just “beat yourself up” about it? Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. One part is understanding the underlying reasons behind the action, but the other part is reframing how you deal with those moments. When we can identify within ourselves the history that led to the action – we can understand it and reframe how we manage ourselves when we do that action. That’s where the positive reinforcement takes off.

I want to end this with an example, because I feel like this is all too vague. Something I do a lot that makes me disappointed in myself is basically “say dumb shit” because I have a poor social filter. My most recent example was during a dance recital. One of the dancers wanted an adult hip-hop class, and I mistakenly drew a conclusion that the hip hop teacher wouldn’t be able to do that. The real “foot-in-mouth” was that I then relayed this conversation to that teacher. It’s been haunting me ever since, and I keep wanting to text that teacher and apologize for saying a “dumb thing.” I know after-the-fact that I should have just encouraged the dancer to ask about an adult hip hop class and let the teacher make that determination. I know that relaying the conversation was not in any way helpful to the teacher. I feel terrible. I want to kick myself. My reframe is to recognize that 1) I am not great in social situations; I’m still learning how to interact with people. This was a learning opportunity, and 2) I have control issues that I’m working on, and this is an example of a time I can learn from to let go. I don’t have to figure everything out for people – they’re more capable than I am to make that determination.

Okay, digging into the history and why of it… I spent a LOT of my childhood feeling the need to play out the scene in advance to control the outcome. My parents and stepparents all had their buttons, and so I would always be trying to walk within the bounds to avoid those buttons. My brain wants to play out the scenes and draw conclusions, always. I’m always playing out the scenario, finding as many conclusions as possible, and then deciding which path to take based upon those conclusions. So, in this scenario, I took the dancer’s desire and ran the scenario – then shared my conclusions. It wasn’t my place to do so, but it’s my instinct because that’s what I’ve always done. That’s my history. I’m “safe” when I know where the story goes. Why did I share it with the teacher though? I actually thought she would be relieved, but appreciate that we like her work so much that we’d want her to teach a class for adults. I completely missed all the negatives of sharing that conversation. I thought I was giving the teacher a compliment… until I saw her face react to the words coming out of my mouth. Then, I felt awful and had no idea how to deal with it. Socially inept. I don’t mean to hurt anyone, ever. I’m still learning. *facepalm*

My story this week is, naturally, about potty training.

It’s been a point of pride my whole life: I was potty trained at 18 months. At least, that’s what I was told. So, I wanted to start potty training early with my child because I was potty trained early. However, I was potty trained at a person’s home that was running a daycare. All of us were running around without anything on our bottoms. Potty training a group, with no pants or underwear to deal with – sounds infinitely easier than what we did.

We started that way. I put puppy pee pads all over the floor and let them run around naked. They had no interest in the potty at first. It was rough. About three days in, things were clicking and we were celebrating pee in the potty. I had hope! By the end of the week, we got a poop in the potty! I thought we were going to do it! Then, they went back to daycare. Progress lost. It’s been over a year and there have been no more poops in the potty. We’re still battling diapers. Potty training is rough, ask any parent. I hope we’re out of diapers by the date this is published…

I remember the house I was potty trained in. I vaguely remember the living room, but I have a clearer image of the front porch and chickens. I’m not sure it was wise to have a bunch of toddlers running around half naked with free range chickens, but I’m fine. I’m not afraid of chickens, which is good. I remember a potty sitting outside for us to use, but I don’t know why I remember that. I remember liking that place, a lot. What’s not to like about a place that lets you run around naked with chickens?!

Dive into your memories, into yourself. You have to live with you for the rest of your life.

I hope you find what you seek. Love, -S.