This post is available as a podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/6Ar8JAaOHyb

Be confident. Be humble. Speak loudly. Speak quietly. Believe in yourself. Listen to others. Navigating successful interactions is messy. Neurodivergent folks struggle, for real. I’m one of them. I express it in ways that aren’t typical, but I do the same kinds of processing when I navigate social communication. If we’re missing confidence, then it doesn’t matter how much we know. If we aren’t humble, then no one wants to hear what we have to say. If we don’t speak loudly enough to be heard, our message doesn’t make it out. If we don’t speak quietly, it can come off as disrespectful. We have to believe in ourselves if we’re ever going to find the drive to finish what we start. We have to listen to those around us to make sure we don’t go too far in any one direction. Socializing is tough.

Confidence is one aspect of being neurodivergent that has worked in my favor. I find that a lot of us do not struggle with appearing confident. Perhaps this is because we’re analyzing all the time? So, when we form opinions or acquire knowledge, we are rock solid on it. Finding a sense of humility seems to be more difficult. If we haven’t analyzed it, then humility is easy: we don’t know yet. But, disagreements on things we have worked to learn? Oof. Good luck.

Loud vs. quiet. They say that the one who is loudest is also generally the weakest one in the room. That sucks. I trained in theatre and opera; I am always the loudest in the room by a measure of decibels. That quote is referencing low self confidence that is overcompensated by the volume and demeanor of the speaker. See the last paragraph. Neurodivergents, like me, don’t work that way. I talk endlessly because of the ADHD, but I don’t talk more when I’m lacking confidence – I shrink and don’t want to speak if I’m lacking self-confidence. I’m an educator. I only want to teach when I know what I’m teaching. Those that speak softly, though. I’ve noticed that the people who wait patiently and chime in with small bits of gold – they’re brilliant. I wish I was like them sometimes.

The confidence provides a benefit that I genuinely cite as the reason for much of my success. I know my stuff, and it intimidates people. My favorite quote from grad school was a semester I was a teaching assistant for Vector Calculus… after an example I did at the board with WAY too much excitement for how cool everything was, a student raised their hand with an astonished look on their face. When I acknowledged them, they said “Are you some sort of genetic experiment?!” I took it as a compliment at the time. I don’t anymore. Because, while it was a compliment on my ability to do the math on the board that day, it wasn’t a compliment in my teaching abilities. I had to learn to view it from the student perspective. If the students think I’m a genetic experiment for how I do the math… they aren’t learning the math. So, I had to take a step back and critically evaluate what I was doing as a teacher. My confidence in the mathematics was impressive, but that didn’t make me a good teacher.

I still have a self-critic, but they only show their face when I have perceived failure. Usually, they show up after every social interaction. My self-critic rarely impacts my regular interactions, nor do they stop me from doing well in an interview. The only interview I ever did “bad” at was for a job I wasn’t sold on. Don’t do that; don’t interview for a job that you’re not sure you want. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. I don’t regret taking the interview; I regret my buy-in when I took it. Confidence comes from knowing what you want, and knowing you can do it. Hey, Reader, you CAN do it.

I don’t bet, but I would bet that most of you need to believe in yourselves more. I had a rather artificial support in childhood from my dad that made me think I could do anything. I didn’t realize how empty his support was until I was much older, so I genuinely believed I could be a dancing, acting, singing, veterinarian astronaut. No doubts that I could do everything and anything I wanted. I’m a bit more realistic these days, but that faith in myself never died because I kept showing myself that I could do what I put my mind to. Thus the reason I continue doing dance despite an insane academic schedule as a mathematician – I used to do theatre and regular baking, rock climbing, and dancing. I truly believe that if you put that same level of faith in yourself – you can do anything you put in the work to do. DO IT. Whatever that thing is that you’re hesitating about. Believe in yourself, and others will support you.

My story this week is about my insane drive to do things. If you want to do things, you have the ability to make them happen. You do. Trust me.

I make things. I show up, and I make things happen. I’m that weird friend that somehow pushes ideas through. I’ve started multiple dance companies at different studios. I’ve started recurring shows at theatres. I’ve created or modified curriculum in my department countless times. I’ve written a few blogs, this is just my most recent – and most “in Flow” blog. My latest insanity led me to start a book project… with (roughly) 40 coauthors. I have a toddler, recently got divorced, I have other interests that I refuse to give up (like dance) and I teach a 24-credit load each year. So, I’m completely insane for taking this on. (That’s the only funny bit in this story.) It’s not done, so I’m still hoping this train will reach its destination, but I’m baffled and humbled every day when I look at what we’re all creating. Who are these people? How did I pull together such an amazing group of humans? Honestly, I just pushed an idea out into the world, and I keep nudging it along. Good people are doing the rest. I’m writing a lot and I’m providing support. But, the key? I believed in the idea, it was supported by others, and I believed in myself – and them; together we made it happen.

If I let my self-critic step in, it could all fall. It’s only through the persistence of nudging the work along that I believe it will all come to fruition. The second I drop it, it’ll die. Any such project that I had to release in the past… they all died. Even though I’m not the one doing all the work – I’m not, by far. I am a fraction of the whole. I know from my experience that I take on the role of the glue that holds these things together until they take on a life of their own. This project is still in the toddler phase; it still needs me to help it along. However, there’s going to be a day where the work done by this amazing group of people reaches maturity to the point where all I am is a name. A name of someone who once pushed the project into existence, but then it became bigger. It got big enough to stand on its own. I hope my writing serves you similarly. I hope to bring you a sense of glue, or guidance, or support, as you find your way. Find your path; I don’t recommend following mine! You can grow, build, and create your own confidence; your own stories of success.

Confidence and belief in yourself changes everything. You GOT this. Wish me luck…

I believe in you. Love, -S.