This post is available as a podcast at: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Therapy-e290rl8

We, as a society, are realizing that we all need therapy. It’s a path to ourselves. It helps us manage and grow. If we seek to be the best version of ourselves, it helps us get there. I started therapy when I was a kid, when my parents got divorced. It was mandatory, and in many ways I am grateful for it. Therapy helped me through a lot of my chaotic childhood. At the time, it felt like I was just sitting and talking with someone regularly; I didn’t see the value of the platform that I do today. This seemed like the best follow up to grief, because it is in grief that a lot of people first seek therapy.

I expect that I will be in therapy for the rest of my life, however infrequently. I’m always processing, always working on my growth. I stagnate when I go too long without therapy, it keeps me in check. Good friends help a lot, but that isn’t their job. I’ve done a lot of reading, perhaps you can tell, haha. I read that the most important component in therapy is the relationship between the patient and the therapist. An excellent therapist who doesn’t connect with a patient is not going to serve them as well as a therapist that is able to build a connection and trust with them.

Therapy is a lot of work on the patient side. The older attitude of walking into a therapist’s office and saying “okay, fix me” has always been short-sighted. The therapist is a guide, not a fixer. The patient does all the fixing, the therapist just helps them with insights, ideas, and work that can help the patient make the breakthroughs necessary to improve their outlook, perspective, or experience in the world and with themselves. If you’ve done much therapy – you already know this.

I started therapy when my parents got divorced, it was mandated by the court. I don’t know why it was mandated, but I’m grateful for it. That was dedicated time to me and my processing of my parents’ divorce. I was 9, and I genuinely thought their divorce was my fault. I knew that I manipulated them to get things that I wanted (all kids do!) I had internalized guilt, not just pain from the loss of a “family.” Honestly, there was more peace with my parents apart.

I’m not sure that everyone gets this, but I’m going to say it for anyone who doesn’t. My parents fought a LOT. I remember the mornings getting ready for school and hearing them shouting from the back room of our home. I remember running back to my room, throwing myself on the bed, and crying. The divorce was hard on both of them, and me, but there was less fighting. My mom struggled more with the outward emotions of anger and sadness. I was also around her more, so that could be a symptom of the time I spent around them. My mom wanted to scream, kick, and cry, but my dad shrunk away in bitterness and resentment.

I never minded the separate homes, changing from one home to another wasn’t the difficulty. The difficulty was in how my parents treated and talked about each other. They had built up so much pain between them that there was no peace between them. In many ways, there still isn’t. As a child who grew up in a home with parents that fought – the separation was better. I only wish they had been able to separate more amicably. So, when I had to separate from a husband with my child, I knew the biggest hurdle was going to be how I interacted with my ex-husband.

Children suffer in divorce, but honestly, they suffer because their parents are unhappy. Being a parent and a child of divorce, the best gift I can give my child is happy parents. Regardless of the pain or difficulty. I’m going to try and keep the peace. The fighting is the real problem. How we treat each other matters, and our children do not need to suffer our pains.

My story this week is about a visit with my therapist during my parents’ divorce.

I think therapy with children must be more difficult than adults. When children are suffering, it hurts me deeper than adults. I think that’s universal. We understand that children are not responsible for themselves, not in the way adults are, anyway. Their behaviors are addressed as a symptom of underlying problems or pain from their environment. This is true of adults, but somehow we see it more clearly in kids. Maybe it’s the innocence?

I went to therapy a lot. I would tell them about my week, my interests, my experiences. I remember a lot of toys sitting around for kids to play with in therapy. I didn’t usually play. I sat, curled up on a chair. Sometimes I brought stuff to do with me if there was a wait. I remember liking my therapist, but feeling rather distanced from her. I know that the experience helped me learn a lot and become more introspective.

One day I did play with the toys. There was a 3×3 puzzle toy, like a flat Rubic’s cube, and I sort of fell in love with it. I don’t remember if she gave it to me because I loved it so much, or if I got one as a gift because I loved the one at my therapist’s office. I kept the one I got, though. It had a blue background and a black and white cat. I wish I knew where it went, but I don’t think I have it anymore. It’s amazing the things that we carry with us.

If you’re struggling and you want to improve, go to therapy.

Find some happiness this week. With Love, -S.