This post is available as a podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/TAEGcidDSzb
There’s this odd fad about: calling people fake for being versatile. Versatility is a strength, and it isn’t fake. To be “fake” requires, in my mind, intentional deception. The intention matters. People pleasers are sometimes called “fake” because they adapt to their environments. However, this is a characteristic defined by a survival mechanism, not out of malice. If you’re a con-person, someone who is intentionally deceptive for your own gain, that’s “fake.” If you’re a people pleaser who learned that keeping those around you happy kept you safe: that isn’t fake; it’s a level of realness. It’s a truth of your upbringing that exhibits itself in involuntary deceptions.
People pleasing is a habit, not intentional deception. Those of us that learned to be people pleasers fall into it without thinking. We have to actively change our habits to be true to ourselves. We have to be intentionally true to ourselves to stop the people pleasing. There is a distinct difference between the actions of a people pleaser and the actions of an active manipulator. The former is acting out of self-preservation and the latter is acting out of selfish desires. Since we don’t know the intentions of others, I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt in these circumstances. I do all I can to provide a place of safety and security for people to be themselves. What’s the best way to do that? 1) lack of judgement and 2) being myself with them.
There’s another side to “fake” that people don’t seem to understand. Versatility. Some of us don’t fit in a box. Actually, I think most of us don’t fit in a box. I’ve had friends from all walks of life because I have sides that thrive in many different environments. I’m an educator, so I get along well with educated individuals. However, I’ve had amazing conversations with plenty of folks who didn’t even finish high school. I’m a dancer, actor, singer, writer, and painter – and I get along well with artists. I’ve worked with artists all over the country between choreography projects, theatre projects, and other collaborations. However, I’m also a scientist. People pit artist vs. scientist as though we cannot be both, but I work with both nearly every day.
I had friends in trailer parks at the same time that I had friends in wealthy homes. I’ve driven my car everywhere and I’ve used public transportation nearly exclusively. I’ve had to dress formally and/or professionally, but my natural state is casual. I can be a chameleon to any environment, and most of them I enjoy. All of them bring out different aspects of my being. We as humans are versatile, we can adapt to changing circumstances or environments. So, what’s wrong with that? Nothing. Whether I go play pool at a dive bar in jeans and a flannel shirt or attend an event in a nice dress with my pearls – I’m still me. You’re still you.
You define who you are, no one else can. No one in this life knows you better than you do. If you like racing cars, but also like doing ballet (I do!) Embrace them both. Anyone who thinks you can’t do both is limiting themselves and repressing you to be like them. They can stuff it. I can tell you from my experience, as someone with many diverse interests, that you can love whatever you want to. Heck, you can love whomever you want to, too. As long as you aren’t becoming a represser on others, just be you. Love the things you love, do the things you like to do, and you will never be “fake.”
Theatre stories seem appropriate, since that’s about as “fake” as I get.
My first performance memory that has been recounted to me time and time again was at my grandparents’ house. I used to put on shows for the whole family, because I had a need to perform for an audience. Not sure if that’s a personality trait or a sign of something deeper. The funny part of this story that has been recounted to me is that my grandmother wanted to use the restroom, so she stood up to go to the restroom, and I demanded that she sit down and finish watching my performance. Where did all that confidence go?! Hahahaha.
My first theatre performance was a scene where I was abducted by aliens. I have image flashes in my memory, but I don’t remember any of the details. I think we wrote the scene, but the noteworthy part is that my mom still tells stories about it and laughs every time. I guess my gut-wrenching screams were hilarious to her, hahaha. That’s all I truly know about my first theatre performance: I gave a memorable performance through my screams.
The first performance I remember was from a tap dance class in elementary school. All I remember is that we danced to “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which has lived on in my memory forever, and that we tiptoed during the line “Creeping down the stairs.” We performed it in the cafeteria of my elementary school. I didn’t do much tap after that. I focused on gymnastics and jazz, which were much more flashy and fun for me.
Fast-forward to my first ever performance in aerial dance. I performed in the student company, and there was a large group piece at the end of the show. The choreographers decided they wanted someone to launch into the air and catch a strap, then climb it to the ceiling at the end of the piece. That was me. I had no experience with vertical apparatuses at that time, but I learned how to climb it in the last few weeks before the show. S has no fear of flying into the air, apparently. They launched me with a cheerleading base, four people linked arms, I stepped up, jumped with their motion, and caught myself on the strap. Looking back, I don’t know how I didn’t miss that strap, not even once. I found flow, and I caught the strap. There were plenty of other dancers with more experience, but they didn’t want to take that risk. The takeaway is that I take risks in performance because it’s part of the thrill. The further I push out of my comfort zone, the more spectacular the memory. I love performance, almost as much as I love flow.
Just because we take steps out of our normal doesn’t mean we’re fake. Sometimes, it’s that aspect of who we are that is more real than our normal.
Embrace yourself, whoever you are. Love, -S.
Shells from a Beach 