In the drum of our day-to-day lives, I think we often go into autopilot. So much of our person has already been defined by our pasts that we just carry on as we have without thought or worry of whether it’s who we want to be. One of the things I’ve been dealing with in therapy, and discussed here, is facing the child selves and behaviors that affect me as an adult in ways that no longer serve me or who I want to be. There exist past versions of me that come forward and affect my interactions as an adult. Child selves and adult selves.
Child selves served me as a child in an environment where I was not in control. However, because those versions of me were formed so early, and have not been addressed, they spring up at odd times in my adult life. Often the child versions of myself feel overwhelming and cause actions that I’m not proud of. Those versions of myself seek protecting and care. They want safety and love, but all they know is fear.
Do you ever find yourself doing something that you don’t fully understand? You look back at your actions and wonder why you did what you did? I do. It’s always a past self coming forward in a way that feels overwhelming. It’s often old trauma responses or fear responses. I really liked a man, so much so that I feared losing him. So, what did I do? I fell into a child self. The same child that feared loss of her father. The child who felt like being herself was precisely the reason she lost love. So, my adult self froze. My adult self is very open and honest, vulnerable, caring, and patient. When that child self took over, I was closed and secretive, fearful, distancing, and anxious. I felt incredibly dysfunctional. I looked back, angry at myself for how I behaved. However, I’ve learned that the only way to overcome those selves is to heal them.
Acknowledgement, validation, and support. These are the tools to resolution. Acknowledge the past self, validate the feelings, and support them in recognizing that the past does not define the future. Whatever love I lost in that past self was not truly about me. I was a child, I could not have known that there were so many layers to the emotions of those around me which caused those feelings and actions. That child self needed to be acknowledged, the situation needed to be acknowledged. The emotions felt in that situation needed to be validated so that self could feel heard. Then, that self needed the support that what they experienced was not okay and the reassurance that future scenarios are not the same. In the therapy exercise, my therapist always has me thank my past selves for trying to protect me, but also reassure them that it isn’t their job to protect me anymore. I can protect myself, as my adult self.
In some ways these past selves, or child selves, represent those patterns and autopilot interactions. Likewise, then the adult self represents the person we want to be, the intentional actions that we do to be our best self. I think, deep down, we all know what we’re striving for. We have a vision of the type of person we want to be in this world, and we hold ourselves accountable to that standard, even if it’s in our own heads. We become the person we want to be when we heal the old wounds and we relieve those parts of ourselves from their guard-posts because they are no longer needed.
I mentioned that healing takes acknowledgement, work, and grief in my last post. That work, with my past selves, has given me the greatest healing.
My story this week is about my “selves” and my wardrobe.
I have many styles; I have been many versions of myself in the way I dress. To this day, I still cannot say that I have one style. How I dress at work is different from dance, which is different from my home, or a night out. Perhaps that itself is not so abnormal. However, I’ve been many versions of self in my wardrobe within each category, so I thought it might be a silly thing to share.
Let’s start with dance: From yoga pants with camisoles, to leotards, shortards, unitards, shorts with sweatpants, harem pants, leggings, and the worst of all: flared crop pants. I owned like 20 pairs of flared crop pants and they are the most unflattering, but comfortable, pants I’ve ever owned. I had every color I could find and I wore them all the time. I look back at pictures of myself and wonder how on earth I ever thought they were so cool. It was like short bell-bottoms, but I still like bell bottoms, and I could never wear cropped pants like that again.
Work: from jeans and geeky t-shirts, to sleeveless tanks with vests over the top, to colorful patterned tops, and finally: bright in every possible way with color contrasts and fun patterns in both tops and pants – and sometimes even dresses. In all aspects of my life, the more I’ve worked on myself, the more I find colorful clothing to suit me. My child self wore fun patterns and colors and never cared what anyone thought. So, it turns out, that as I’ve healed my traumas over time, I’ve added more colors to my wardrobe.
Sometimes healing brings an entirely new self, but sometimes it just brings us back to who we always wanted to be. The fears and patterns of our life change when we intentionally face the reasons they arrived. For me, that’s even true of my wardrobe.
I hope you, too, can care for the parts of yourself to be the best version of you.
Love, -S.
Shells from a Beach 