This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Get-off-my-back-e29o0jo

Sometimes, getting someone off your back isn’t about pushing them off; it’s about turning towards them and embracing them. I was talking with someone recently and they were telling me about how their parent keeps doing things for them instead of teaching them; how they are constantly fighting to be an adult, but they feel like their parent just won’t let go or teach them to stand on their own. Naturally, one of my first thoughts was that old saying about “teaching a man to fish.” So, I wanted to dig deeper into this.

Why does the parent keep stepping in? While I cannot speak for every case, I can dig into why people step in and help instead of teaching someone. The short answer is: patience. I’m an educator and a parent, and I can tell you that it’s a lot harder to guide my students and child through new things than it is for me to do them myself. Teaching is a skill, and for anyone who has not practiced it – it takes a LOT of patience. No matter how much we want our students and children to stand on their own, sometimes it is really hard to take a back seat and let them drive.

One of my recommendations to anyone dealing with such a situation is to be proactive in your own learning. This is true for learning anything. If you take a backseat to your learning, you will not learn (as much… you might learn something, but it will be a fraction of your potential.) This means you have to ask them to teach you. Don’t just ask, hold your ground on it; if they keep trying to do it for you: do not let them do it for you. This means you might have to do your own reading and research to teach yourself. Those of us that spent a lot of time learning can tell you: sometimes that’s what it takes. At the end of the day, we do not form knowledge by it being fed to us, we form knowledge by assimilating it ourselves.

This type of parenting is clearly coming from a place of love. The parent does want what is best for their child, I truly believe that. Their actions may be misplaced, but their intentions are good. Realistically, there are a couple issues that could be at play here. First, the parent might be struggling to let go of their role. This is pretty classic because in the parent’s eyes, their child is always a child. There is an age at which the child is actually an adult, and the parent must shift to accept that their child is an adult. Perhaps this parent has not successfully made that shift. If that’s the case, then pushing them off is only going to lead to further conflict. Embracing them, and their intentions, while also respectfully asking for their help to be an adult and take care of themself is likely the best approach.

Second, could be a simple matter of the parent unable to yield control. (Oh! Look at my last post…) This is a really sticky situation because the real, underlying issue here is within the parent. If the parent is struggling with control issues, they are the only one who can make a correction. Even if one can see from the outside what is happening, fighting with the parent will only create further issues and cause them to work harder to exert control. The answer, in my experience (not the person above), was to cut them off… Not a solution I recommend, but it worked. I embraced this parent’s desires by placating them through requests for advice and thoughts/opinions prior to cutting them off. However, when I didn’t listen to those recommendations, it only made things worse. The goal isn’t to give the parent control and give up – the goal is to find peace and gain autonomy.

There’s a really famous sculpture by Alexander Milov called Love from burning man with the image of two adults sitting on the ground with their backs towards each other, but inside is the child of each figure – turned towards each other. The imagery here is precisely what I’m trying to articulate in words. When we run into these conflicts as adults, there are children inside us – rather – our better intentions inside us. Even in conflict, there is care underlying the actions between parents and children (generally.) That care is the key to finding connection with each other, and ultimately, peace.

My story this week is about parental love, naturally.

When you become a parent, you learn a new kind of love. You feel your heart “grow” in a new way, and doors open that were closed before. I love being a parent, so I could be biased. The skin-to-skin bonding with a newborn gave me new life when postpartum was hard. Breastfeeding my child was an intense bonding experience that made me feel more connected to another human being than I’d ever been. I grew a human, then fed them from my body for years of their life. Astonishing.

Ending breastfeeding was really hard for me. I let my child lead. Why? Because they would find their time. Because I loved the bond and so did they. I knew that the peaceful solution was to let them find their way. I could have stopped them early, at their protest. I could have prolonged it if I wanted to keep it going. I knew the best solution (for me) was to let go of my control over the situation and wait until they were done. They weaned with minimal encouragement, and it took longer than I wanted, but it happened. They haven’t asked again.

It’s hard to let go of control, as a parent. Waiting for my child to put their shoes on after the 18th time I asked is hard, but they can put on their own shoes. The autonomy is important to build self confidence and skills. My child is happier when they have choices, when they can make decisions and have some control over their experience. From the clothes they wear to the food they eat – anything they can choose – I let them choose. I think this extends beyond the early years. Every adult that I’ve known with overly controlling parents struggles with their ability to self-regulate.

My parents’ divorce allowed me to live with a less-controlling parent. I was able to set my own bedtime, and I did so at a reasonable hour. I had choices that set me up well for making choices in my education and career. (Unfortunately, not my love life, but no one is perfect.) Autonomy is important for kids; yes, we still need to protect them sometimes, but the old saying “we can’t protect them from everything” is something I consistently embrace. When my child was younger, I had a harder time letting them loose to play. The older they get, the easier it is for me to stand a safe distance away while they play on a playground. Then, when my child wants to dance on the ice “like a penguin,” I let them dance on the ice – until they fall down, then I pick them up in a big hug and let them decide if they want to do something else.

Parents: let your kids dance on the ice sometimes. Children: know that those parents love you and try to meet them with love in return to gain your freedom.

With Love, always. -S.