The song by Bonnie Raitt is my song, at least when it comes to my love life. I choreographed a trapeze solo to that song, but performed it to another song. I chose that song because I didn’t feel loved by the man I was with at the time. I felt that song, but when I ran the same piece to a different song, the piece was better – so I performed it to the second song. But, in my heart, I was still feeling “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” I truly used that choreography to accept the lack of love in that relationship that I was choosing to stay in, despite not feeling loved. Honestly? I think I didn’t feel loved because I didn’t feel the love for that man that I was seeking.

Something I’m not sure I’ve admitted here is that I thought I was in love with someone else through both of my marriages. I mean to say that I spent 18 years in other relationships while I was convinced that I was in love with someone else (the same person through both.) I wasn’t mature enough to see the damage that caused in those relationships. It was one of the men that I ran away from into another relationship. I didn’t think I was “good enough,” so I got into relationships that felt like what I “deserved” because I didn’t feel that same possibility of connection. I wanted that connection, and it scared the hell out of me.

I recognize those that I have connection with immediately. My last post was about that. This one is about the relationships without that connection. My brain, my anxiously-attached brain, tried to create that connection. Connection in this case meaning that recognition that we have when we find someone that is on our same “wavelength.” Someone with whom communication flows, smiles are radiating, and both parties “light up” when they’re together. Connection is a recognition of “our people.” However, I’ve written many times about how we cannot change someone else. We cannot walk into a relationship seeking a connection that isn’t there. I tried, so learn from my mistakes: connection is invaluable and cannot be created or forced. It is, or it isn’t.

I can’t make you love me, and likewise, I can’t make myself love you. I connect with you, or I don’t. You connect with me, or you don’t. It’s okay, no matter what. It’s not okay when one of us puts pressure or tries to force the other to feel something they don’t feel. I’m guilty of that, too. We’re all human, we all make mistakes. I have felt so intensely that I put pressure on others that I had connection with. I also felt incredible disappointment in myself for not being better and learning to let go. I couldn’t cultivate that connection in myself for those I was with, and I know I can’t create that same connection with someone who doesn’t feel it for me. Damn, do I want to, though.

I feel like the two I wrote about in the previous posts were the closest I’ve come to mutual connection. Both had their flaws, both of the men involved were avoidant, and in both cases my childhood trauma got triggered and everything went sideways. I hope that, just maybe, the next time I have connection – I don’t go crazy over it. I mentioned that the hole inside me makes me act like a starving animal, devouring love from others without any control. I’ve improved, but I’m still starving and I’m doing everything I can to fill that hole to a point where I don’t feel crazy anymore. Unfortunately, I can only test myself through meeting new people that I connect with. They are, unfortunately, incredibly rare.

My story this week is about the most awkward date I’ve been on…

Nice guy. Not a “him” problem, but a circumstantial problem. He didn’t handle it well, and we lost touch over time. We match, we chat, we’re both seeking something real. Scheduling a date is hard because he works ridiculous hours, I work ridiculous hours and have a kid, etc. We decide to meet up when he gets off work (bad plan, 12 hour shifts are exhausting) so we pick a place with free parking near his work: the zoo. Also a bad plan, because there is nothing but museums and the zoo in that area.

We park in different lots, but we eventually find each other. We start to chat and try to find a place to go… this involves looking at our phones for an inordinate amount of time. We decide to go somewhere we can play pool and chat or something. We find a place about a mile walk away, and we’re both agreeable to the walk. Any place we could drive to would be an additional 15 minutes away and then we have to figure out parking. (Did I ever mention how much I dislike cities? I would almost say I hate living near a city… I really dislike it.)

So, we walk and talk. We take a route through a park, so it’s a nice walk. We have a good chat and are getting along, but it’s still pretty awkward. When we finally get to the place that has a pool table, the owners are playing on it. It’s an empty bar with the employees playing pool. Neither of us want to drink alcohol at the time, so we sit down to wait for the pool table. We talk for a while before we realize that the owners are the ones playing pool. The waitress is told to get us to drink something or get us out of the place. So, she’s relatively nice about it, but she tells us that it’s a bar, so we need to order something if we want to stay. We can’t use the pool table if we’re not drinking. I understand, he doesn’t seem very understanding, but we get a cranberry juice and a ginger ale. They don’t take cards. I pay with cash, because I happened to have cash, but he didn’t.

We talk in the bar for a while, then it gets late enough that we decide to walk back to the car. For some reason, the waitress gives me a rose before we leave. I assume it was something they were doing that day for female patrons, but it was just further awkwardness. We start our walk back to the car, and it starts raining. So… over a mile walking in the rain that neither of us planned for. Great. We ended with a slightly awkward kiss. I liked him, he liked me, but that date was SO awkward that we couldn’t come back from it. He promised to take me on a fantastic, can’t-fail date… then ghosted me less than a month later.

My best date was getting tacos with a man I found connection with. Simple, not where we’d originally planned to meet, but the connection was there and it was the best date I’ve ever had. Sometimes the connection is there, sometimes it isn’t.

May we all find that kind of connection, it is the key to our happiest times.

Always with Love, -S.