I took a long break from this blog, but I’m starting to have new things to write about. I recently had an ER visit where the front desk staff come into the room to check your records over with you privately while you wait between the medical staff that come in and out of the room to treat you. See, ever since my divorce – I haven’t had a delegated emergency contact. I always had a partner, or a relative nearby, and even in the early days of my divorce I had select friends who volunteered for that. But, I’m over 3 years out of my divorce, and I never see those friends anymore due to our busy schedules… I never put a new contact in for this facility.

We isolate ourselves for many reasons: feeling burdensome, unacceptable, unlovable, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, or just “not good enough.” Why did I not put a friend or family member down when I removed my ex husband years ago? Because I have no family here and asking a friend requires asking a friend. There is a barrier to putting down the name because I feel that I need to ask first – this is a responsibility that will be placed on them, and so I need to make sure they’re okay with that. Why? Because my problem here is that I didn’t think anyone would want to be responsible for me. Why? Well, even my ex husband complained of how burdensome I was, why would anyone want to take me on?

These are, of course, the inner thoughts that make us isolate. To be clear, I know that was my inner voice, not my full awareness. I did ask a friend and I do have an emergency contact there now. It’s important to be aware of that inner voice, but it’s not good to listen to it. By not believing we are “worth it,” we never even ask. So, I didn’t have an emergency contact in their file, and I nearly cried when the woman pressured me about it. I was in the ER, completely alone, with an illness that probably would mean I needed to not be alone. So, she was worried about me. She was worried because she saw how isolated I was.

We are never our best in isolation. I tell my students all the time to talk to each other, to not do their work in isolation. We learn best through collaboration. I would also argue that we live best in communities, which is why isolation is so damaging to our mental states. Our society has morphed into the single family units, which left a lot of people (including myself) living alone. We’re simultaneously in a time where people cannot afford to live in single family homes, but yet – it’s all we can do.

Some people function well with roommates, and if I were not a single parent, I might try to do that. However, I know many people with roommates and they’re constantly struggling with passive-aggressive, or outrightly aggressive behaviors. I experienced this, too, in the past. It might be worthy of its own post, honestly. Why can’t we live with other people anymore? There is an underlying divisive nature embedded in us, somewhere. We’re working to change this through our understanding of mental health and growing in emotional intelligence. However, whenever people live together, they’re faced with this. So, we isolate.

I think in today’s society, isolation is easier than collaboration. It breaks my heart. People cut and run from relational interactions that are difficult. It feels as though we are all struggling; we are all overwhelmed. So, I feel like there are too many of us that say “I can just do it myself” instead. Or, possibly “it’s too much trouble to stay.” When we are already at the point of exhaustion, the risk of another human pushing us further to our limits (or past them) feels too heavy. It is scary, and what do we do when we’re scared? Some hide, some run, and some… fight?

I feel like there’s a relevant piece in here about choosing what is more important. I think when people live communally they have to consider the community benefits in addition to their personal benefits. The divisive nature of the way we currently live pushes people to focus on their personal benefits over the community benefits because (somehow) we’ve lost a lot of our community. That’s isolation. The structure of our society has an umbrella of isolation. This isn’t just personal, it’s systemic.

The reason these things are so hard seems to be directly aligned with this isolation. The quotes about “people don’t know their neighbors anymore,” “there’s no sense of community,” or “everyone is so selfish these days.” All of that may be driven by the isolation we’ve established in the way we live. We have siloed ourselves from each other so much that the only way we see forward is alone. There is no sense that society is supporting us anymore, there is lacking belief in people and that propagates to make more people choose to be isolated. None of us want to be, but I think a lot of us don’t see how else to be in this world.

I suppose I would encourage you, as I do myself, to work past that discomfort. We release so many relationships due to misunderstandings or inconveniences (I don’t… but that was an earlier group of posts about letting go: I struggle to let go.) I can say that I’ve let go of things when the amount of work required to repair them seemed insurmountable. Perhaps that’s the reason; when we are feeling overwhelmed with other life things, relational issues can feel insurmountable. Everyone’s barometer for that limit will be different, but I hope we can find ways to work together again, instead of apart. (Naturally, it’s difficult when both parties are not coming together. Unhealthy dynamics are still unhealthy and not safe for this. Another reason our continued growth in understanding mental health and growing emotional intelligence is so important for us.)

So, when I gave the woman from the front desk an emergency contact on my way out of the facility she nearly cried because she said she was going to offer to be that person for me if I really didn’t have anyone. That’s the love we need in this world, folks. Be that love. There is nothing like an ER visit with a stranger offering to help you because you’ve grown so isolated that you cannot think of anyone to be there for you… to truly make you face the realities of isolation.

My story this week: a mattress story in isolation

I’ve always struggled to ask for help, but I did ask for help this time… it just didn’t come. So, I did it alone. I had a 12+ year old mattress and my body hurt a lot. For reference, the recommendation is to replace a mattress every 7-10 years. It was overdue. My arms were falling asleep every night, my lower back hurt, my upper back hurt, my hips were aching from side sleeping, and to top it off: I was sleeping about 4 hours a night and tossing and turning all the time. The mattress was hurting me, and I finally accepted that I had to do something about it.

So… I went digging for a new mattress that is *actually* affordable. I ended up getting one online, shipped to me, for far cheaper than I thought possible. Great. No need for a truck, or coordinating with a mattress store, just get it up to my room and unpack it… right? No. It’s a king size mattress because it was cheaper to get another king size mattress than downsize everything (frame, sheets, etc.) Great, I’ll ask my friends for help. Nope… as has often been my experience, I reached out for help and no one could help in the time needed. So, I did it myself.

The mattress weighed more than me. I couldn’t lift it, but I managed to roll the box into my home, then lay on the floor breathing heavily for a minute. I stared at it for a bit as I sorted out how to get it upstairs alone… leg press. A friend of mine showed me when I moved into this place how to use my legs to push something heavier than me up the stairs, so that’s what I did. I started sitting on the floor with my back against the box, propped on the stairs. I then pressed my hands into the stairs and wall (as needed), and backwards stair-stepped myself up the stairs while pushing it up with my back. I had to lay on the floor again for a while.

I rolled the box into my bedroom, and cut the box off the mattress since I couldn’t lift it. I pulled the old mattress off, put the package on my frame (rolling it, but not well.) It hooked the plastic and started expanding… so I then scrambled to get it over the frame as best I could. I got a box knife and started cutting off plastic – carefully, because this was a mattress. The delicate dance around an expanding mattress on top of a metal frame, and the grunts and groans of trying to maneuver this thing around would have made a hilarious clip for the internet. It took me about 50 minutes of work to get this new mattress upstairs and onto the frame, without anymore plastic. It was a workout, and I was sore for days after. But, I did it myself.

So, I didn’t cry about it, but I did sweat my butt off and hurt myself. Living in isolation is painful, it’s the reason solitary confinement is a punishment. This story is not inspirational, if anything, I want you to see the costs of isolation. I hope you can reflect on yourself and see that asking a person to do it all alone is cruel. It’s wrong. The way we are living is selfish and broken, and every day we choose to be selfish instead of communal is a day we dive deeper into the divisive nature of this society that will ultimately lead to the downfall of humanity. Humanity is found in togetherness, not separation. Humanity is found in the strength of humility and peace.

I know this world feels hollow and people seem selfish, so it’s tempting to be selfish in return. This world will not get better by giving up on goodness and this world will not get better through isolation. Choose to work together over isolation, please. We all need this.

Love, Hugs, You are not alone. -S.