This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/I-Choose-Me-e2knv5i

When I got married the second time, I chose the song “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles to walk down the aisle. Looking back, I chose the song because I was choosing to marry someone based on reasons that weren’t about me. I was choosing them because I thought they would give me the life I wanted; it was very superficial and unromantic. The entire relationship felt transactional; I had to deposit into the relationship to receive and if I didn’t have the credits I was left feeling wholly unsupported and/or loved. I was choosing them over myself. I didn’t know any better.

What I’ve learned in the past year or so is that I can choose myself, in fact, I have to. I have to feel happy and at peace in a relationship for it to be sustainable. I know what I’m looking for, but I don’t have that with anyone currently. I have to feel safe to be myself while with them; I have to feel like they love my weirdness. I spent the past decade squashing my weirdness for my partner because I didn’t feel embraced for who I am, I felt like they were trying to fix me the whole time we were living together. News flash: if you feel like your partner needs fixing, or you feel like your partner is trying to fix you – it’s not going to work! STOP IT! End it now, and find someone that doesn’t make you feel that way. You can’t fix each other.

That said, finding someone who helps me grow is important. Growth != fixing. Growth comes from my own goals, desires, and needs – not my partner’s. Growth happens when someone who embraces who you are now and also supports you to make changes you want. Growth happens when we are safe to make changes and take risks without judgement. If we try to grow “for” a partner, that’s going to create an imbalance, but if we grow for ourselves with the support of our partner – that’s real. There is a delicate layer in which that person is able to call you out, but that is only acceptable when they are safe also.

Safety must first be found in myself. I have to know that I’m okay, no matter what my partner says, does, or thinks. That’s the foundation for secure attachment, as far as I can tell. If we find security within ourselves, then we can find security in our attachments. However, that security within oneself is often the thing that is hardest to achieve (at least, for people like me.) I don’t think I felt safe in myself until after I treated my depression. I feel more secure now than I ever have, and it is in large part to TMS. I’ve done a lot of therapy to work on my framing and foundations, but TMS changed my life. I know myself and feel more secure in myself than ever before. Sometimes, there are things like that which hold us back. We have to face them to find our safety.

More than anything in this life, I want to feel loved. For me, I had to address some things to feel loved. I told both my husbands that I didn’t feel loved by them at some point in our relationships. I didn’t feel loved by anyone. That, I think, was a reflection of my feelings of worthlessness. I struggled to see why anyone would love me, so at the first sign of being unloved – I took it to show precisely what I expected – I was unlovable. I spent a lot of time deconstructing this, but the core of it was critically analyzing and facing the things that made me feel that way about myself. I had to reframe the negative thoughts, the intrusive thoughts. I had to challenge myself and see myself differently. Stop seeing some wretched, rejected thing that no one wanted and start seeing myself.

I’m going to close with respect. Respect is the biggest component that I have lacked in my relationships. There has always been something that caused me to lose their respect. I found it happen in other areas of my life, so I realized that it was something I was doing. I was projecting a lesser value to myself for the reasons above. I viewed myself so low that eventually others would treat me the way I viewed myself instead of based on their own objective assessment (or my inherent value.) I had to change my perspective. I had to realize my worth and hold that respect for myself first. I was setting the tone for my own unraveling… and I had to set a new one.

My story this week is about choosing myself – for my 30th birthday.

When I was turning 30, things were in a real weird place. I had separated from my first husband, moved to a new state, started a new job, started dating my second husband. Things were just – a mess. Luckily, I managed to use some flight miles to fly to San Francisco for my 30th birthday weekend. I stayed in a hostel on the coast, wrote my class notes in their lounge, walked around San Francisco by myself for hours. I walked several miles (which was apparent when the pencil was smeared on my notes from all the rubbing of walking around with them in my backpack.) I got to meet up with an old friend, stare into the water of the bay, and generally just ground myself.

That trip should have been the start of choosing myself more generally, but it took years for me to get there. That trip was the first real celebration of myself, for myself. My flight home stopped through LAX. People complain about LAX, but it worked for me. I rented a car for the day, drove out to the taping of The Late Late Show (this was near the end of Craig Ferguson’s run; I really loved him and the show at the time.) I did the things that I wanted to do, all on my own. For the first time in over a decade… because I always defaulted to what other people wanted to do. I was in a transition, and I was finally choosing myself. I wish it had lasted.

That was also the time when I went to the ballet by myself. I reveled in going to a restaurant by myself. I reveled in choosing my new dentist, doctor, etc. All the newness was an opportunity for me to find myself. But, I got into a relationship, in typical S fashion. Then I lost a lot of myself for a while, but I started reclaiming those things in the last few years. In 2021-22, I chose myself by going to concerts and other shows that I wanted to see – alone. In 2022-23 I chose myself by ending my second marriage and getting back into social dancing. On my 2023 birthday, I chose myself by throwing my birthday party, at my home. I hosted people at my house, all by myself, for the first time.

I found relief and joy in doing the things that I enjoy – all by myself. I really enjoy community, as most of us do. However, I enjoy all things more through knowing what I enjoy independent of others. The people-pleaser is strong, it takes a lot of work to stop, check in, and be true to myself. However, it’s SO worth it.

Whatever you do, I hope you can choose yourself in healthy ways that make you happier.

Love, -S.