This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Burdens-e25l1a2

We all carry burdens. From memories to regrets, needs to desires, and responsibilities to obligations. Life isn’t perfect; things will happen that affect us in ways we may carry years later. I feel relatively unburdened for someone who carried many burdens a long while. My post with the hiking backpack story articulated the physical burdens that I choose to carry, but my mental and emotional burdens have sincerely lessened in time. So, I want to share some of the work I’ve done that led to this unburdening.

In terms of memories to regrets, the best tool has been cognitive behavioral therapy. Reframing things to realize that I did the best I could under the circumstances truly did allow me to relieve myself of many regrets. The memories that created burdens through trauma or loss are a bit different. Trauma burdens I’ve discussed a lot so I will briefly summarize what has helped me. Introspection into my experience and that of those on the other side of my trauma allowed me to view the experience from a less biased perspective and analyze the reasons for what happened. In each experience I found that I was able to heal from my trauma and release the burden within it through this process. Loss is tricky. Everyone needs their process to grieve from loss.

My losses in life have been peaceful, but I do think there are reasons why those losses became peaceful. I grieve the losses, but I also found peace with all of them. I think that the way I live plays a large part in my peace in those losses. I say things when I think them. I don’t have much of a filter. If I care about someone, I don’t hide it. I tell my friends how I love them. I took every opportunity to curl up and hug my grandma before she died. I didn’t talk to her enough, but I gave her my full presence when I did. She knew how much I loved her, I have no doubts. So, when we lost her – I knew I gave her all I could with the knowledge I had at the time and the resources available to me (partially thanks to cognitive behavioral therapy.) We don’t all get that. If we look for the regrets, we’ll find them. I could choose to focus on the fact that I moved too far away to see her as much as I wanted, but I don’t focus on that because it doesn’t give me peace. If there’s anything helpful in there, please use it. My condolences for your losses. Love.

The burdens of needs to desires are ones that are fluid. Some needs will be there your whole life, others will be periodic or random. Needs become burdens when they aren’t met. Humans need a lot of things, but I think we need each other most of all. The sense of connection and community helps us grow and find peace. Finding yourself is a key to that, because that is how we find “our people” to build that connection and community. That burden, oddly enough, is lifted by us. We find the peace in ourselves, and the needs are met. For the periodic or random needs there is often more urgency. Needs that are ever-present do not come with the same immediacy.

I think the immediacy of periodic or random needs has a very fine line with desires. Sometimes they are genuinely needs, but other times desires are mistaken for needs in the moment. The burden of desire, for me, loses power when I acknowledge it for what it is. It may sound simple, but asking myself “Is this really a need? Or, is it a desire?” Helps. Pausing to introspect and evaluate the situation beyond my feelings in the present moment is precisely how I manage to get through desire. I’ve spent much of my life exerting control over my desires. Food, laziness, sleep, etc. are all in a list composed of parts of my life that I managed. I am very wary of the food I consume and my productivity. I sacrifice sleep too much. I relaxed some over the years, and I realized my key was a matter of strictness. Days I chose to take care of myself were days that I loosened control, and days where I chose to be strict were days with control. It’s effectively a measure of priority and how much I chose to love myself. The strict days were not the days I gave myself love and compassion.

Responsibilities to obligations. Responsibilities only feel like obligations when we either 1) accept outside expectations as though they are our own, or 2) we frame the responsibility as a burden. 1) is clearly about analyzing the responsibility and recognizing that it is not our own, but an external expectation. 2) is muddier. As a parent, I could easily choose to see the responsibilities of parenthood as a burden, but I do not. Difficult != burden. Burdens weigh us down, but difficult responsibilities don’t have to. Those responsibilities were my choice when I decided to be a parent, and by viewing them that way I don’t feel burdened by the work. I feel love in it. Perspective can release burdens, as can choices. Not all burdens, but many.

My story this week is about potty training…

One of the hardest things about parenting a young child is potty training. Most people have aversions related to pee and/or poop, so flipping around from an aversion to cheering while your child releases waste material into a potty you have to clean, or the toilet (if you’re lucky) is difficult. Throw in the fact that there is often resistance, backslides, and accidents – it’s hard. It can take years to fully potty train a child. Honestly, it’s hard on the parents and the child because it’s a huge change.

Somehow, we find the levity in it. I don’t see potty training as a burden, I see it as a journey of growth. I also had to accept, like most parents, that pee and poop will wash off my hands, the floor, clothing (most of the time), etc. It’s a lot easier to enjoy potty training if you aren’t disgusted by it. I also think that Potty Power by Eunice and Sabrina Moyle is the best book to read to a child while potty training – I love that book. I make so much fun out of it. How could you not with lines like “You can become a pooperhero, too!” It didn’t help my child learn to use the potty, but it served as excellent entertainment while we waited for them to go potty.

Most potty training stories are not funny, but sometimes my child said things related to potty training that were funny. So, here are just a few silly things that are not disgusting. “I pooped in the air!” – child actually just farted during bath time. “Kitty is pooping in the toilet!” – child got a stuffed animal cat to sit on the toilet seat like it was pooping in the toilet, proud parent moment? However, child then proclaimed that kitty pooped on the sun, in the sink, and on a chair – which was not so great. Child did insist on washing kitty’s hands, though. And, a final quote: “Sometimes you want to pee on the toilet, but there isn’t any pee left.”

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we carry things we don’t need to.

I hope something I shared helps you release burdens in your life. Love, -S.