This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Manipulation-e2knvdc

I’ve seen memes that describe manipulation as being what happens when words don’t align with actions. I’ve recently cut someone off for their manipulation, so I guess it’s time to write about this. As someone with anxious attachment, I think it’s easy for me to fall for manipulation. If someone says the right things, I want to believe them. Instead of getting mad when they didn’t follow through, I felt like I failed somehow and that’s why they didn’t follow through. Goodness… the codependence in that statement. It hurts.

I’ve seen lots of quotes and I know now that people’s actions show (more often than not) what they really feel. Words are deceptive, but actions hold weight. I’m often told that I’m direct, and I never realized that was remarkable. I value honesty and I appreciate directness from others, so I strive to give those things in my interactions. Words that don’t match actions seems rather dishonest to me. I know that in people pleasing, sometimes I feel that urge to say what people want to hear, but I learned that it’s more important to be honest. It gives me some perspective to relate, at least.

It means that people pleasing and manipulation are related, even if they aren’t exactly the same. I posted before that people pleasing is a trauma response. We do it because we learned that it helped us survive in situations that were unsafe, we aren’t doing it with an intention to hurt anyone. However, when our people pleasing takes over in other environments, it becomes manipulation and people can get hurt by our choices. This is why it’s so important to work on those habits, find out what we want and feel, and make active choices so our words and actions are in line.

I’ve been a people pleaser most of my life, but I often found myself following through on actions that I didn’t really want to do more often than misaligning my words and actions. So, in other words, it either costs us something, or it hurts them. I have been on the receiving end of this, and it’s really frustrating. I would say that after experiencing the receiving end: it isn’t worth it, folks. Don’t tell someone what you think they want to hear if you don’t mean it, and don’t commit to actions that take you outside yourself (or hurt you); it’s not worth it.

My story this week is about being on the receiving end of breadcrumbing.

I was talking with my therapist one day about a relationship/situationship that I’d been struggling to leave for months. I wanted to leave about 5 months into it, but I had chosen to hang in there for another 5 months at this point. I was exhausted, depleted, and getting a bit desperate for someone to show me real care. She pointed out that his actions were breadcrumbing. Her words that made all the glass shatter were “when someone gives you what you want, but only some of the time, it can become addictive.”

Breadcrumbing is used to describe the actions of someone who only gives you “just enough” to keep you engaged in a relationship with them. They show up, and suddenly fill your needs – just enough – to make you feel like staying with them. In this guy’s case, I was touch starved. The guy I liked ignored me rather suddenly, my hormones dropped into my monthly depression times, and I was in need of physical touch. He was suddenly available after I’d shut off physical contact with him for two months – we’d seen each other, but not seen each other.

That night was perfect. He listened, we talked, we hung out, and I got restful cuddles out of the whole interaction. I felt safe, I felt seen, I even felt loved. For a night… and only for a night. He went right back to the bare minimum the next day. Men in this area seem to be like that – ALL of them. The bare minimum. That one night messed up my next month. It wasn’t worth it. Someone who breadcrumbs you isn’t interested in you – they just like the feeling of someone liking them. They appreciate that you want to be with them, but that’s where it ends. It’s not going to turn into more.

I shut it down. I put up a wall. I said “no” more times than I’ve ever said it to anyone in my life. Slowly, the texts reduced. Eventually, he accepted his fate. I had to tell him dozens of times that I wasn’t going to be with anyone who wasn’t interested and willing to be in a whole relationship. Not just physical, but the investment of time and care, the emotional side – in a reliable way. I finally came around to believing that something better was out there for me and that I can find it.

You’re worth so much more than the minimum. Don’t settle for it.

Love, always, -S.