Catharsis: the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions. My last post was leading into catharsis. Let’s talk about it. We know already that repressing our emotions is never going to make them go away. We have to face them. We have to learn from them, grow from them, and then release them. It’s a bit conflicting because sometimes we repress emotions to control our reactions to them in the moment, which is often a good choice to avoid harming others. Then, they have to be dealt with.

Something I have always done: I ask those near me to dig deeper inside themselves. Sometimes I see inside them more than they do, but as I am an outsider, I can only posit my observations. It’s always up to the person to determine what is happening within them. So, I ask lots of questions surrounding the emotions. I ask lots of questions in general. Opening the door to your inner world is within the key to cleaning it out.

I ask myself a lot of “why” questions. Why did I do ____? Why do I feel ___? I’m always seeking the “underneath” as a therapist once called it. Seek the underneath, learn about yourself from the answers. Introspection cleans our conscience and allows us to address our feelings. Knowing the feelings helps us discover the path to releasing them.

If I’m sad, I cry. Sometimes, I take a bath or a shower. It always seems to have something to do with water. Wash away the sadness, I suppose.

If I’m mad, I sing at the top of my lungs (well, actually my diaphragm, but I’m speaking to the idiom here…) I particularly enjoy guttural, loud, harder music when I’m mad. I want to get physical when I’m mad, but I’ve never punched a wall. I have hit the floor, or collapsed into tears. Anger used to always turn immediately into sadness, for me. I think, in retrospect, that a lot of my depression was just my inability to express my anger. That’s getting better.

If I’m happy, I dance. I also sing, usually humming or operatic melodies. I smile, I’m light in spirit, and I glide and spin about. Happiness is, by far, my favorite emotion.

There are more emotions. Fear turns into sadness for me, or anxiety. I spiral in fear. Surprise is an emotion I don’t often feel, but that’s because I overthink scenarios constantly and so not much surprises me. I wish I were surprised more, but anytime someone says they have a surprise for me, I go directly to fear. Disgust I release rather easily because I am used to adapting, it’s never overwhelmed me. I generally acknowledge my disgust and don’t dwell on it anymore.

What do you do when you’re sad? Angry? Happy? Can you identify what you do when you’re afraid? Surprised? Disgusted? If you know how you feel, and what you do with those feelings, you know yourself enough to find ways to express your catharsis.

My story this week is going to be about repression; the opposite of catharsis.

I don’t repress a lot. I express a lot. However, in trying to meet my perception of others’ expectations I have repressed myself to my own detriment. This is a story I’ve alluded to previously, but I believe this provides a new context to it. I’ve always been bright. As in, I’ve always worn colorful clothing. I believe that despite my scientific profession, I am an artist at heart. Perhaps we all are? We just have to find our medium(s).

I’ve never held to the standards of matching; some of my favorite outfits were stark contrasts of color. My favorite teacher in elementary school was an art teacher, her house was green and purple – and I think I resonate with her style. Despite how different those colors are, they share blue in their making, and I function a lot like that. Bright colors and mixing colors makes me feel happier.

So, the repression in this instance was in my colorful clothing. I decided to look “professional” I needed to stick to darker colors. So, I did. Until it made me feel depressed. Colorful underwear and socks honestly are not sufficient for me. I need to see the colors, and choose colors that match my feelings of the day – or colors that match the feelings I want for the day. (Sometimes I wear yellow because I feel happy and bright, and sometimes I wear yellow because I want to feel more happy and bright than I do.) Not every day is the same brightness, nor the same colors. The variety must ebb and flow with my emotions.

So, by forcing a limitation of color, I repressed my emotions to a state of depression. Much like I express my emotional state through colors, I can also repress it by the colors around me. I find this fascinating, and I’m curious if others experience it. Do you create boundaries on yourself which repress your expressions of catharsis? Do you, upon noticing your expressions of catharsis, recognize ways in which you limit yourself that may be preventing a happier state? Curious. Can you make changes to open those paths? Try.

May you find the paths to releasing the repression and reaching happier times.

Love, -S.