It’s never our job to help someone, but people like me certainly try. I have written about this before, but most people have to help themselves. We stand outside the world inside of them; we are just support, we can’t do the work for them. All change requires some amount of pain and work. Until we reach the point of pain that causes us to put in the work, we don’t (usually) change.

As you might imagine, when standing outside of their world, letting go of helping them is one of the hardest things to do. It feels like admitting defeat, or failure, when all we wanted to do was help. There are undertones of rejection and/or helplessness. But the thing we were battling was a boss we could never defeat. Their battle is something we can only see from the sidelines, and much like with sports fandom, we are only able to watch and cheer them on.

This is why it is so hard when they aren’t “winning” the battle. We sometimes take it as a personal loss, even though it isn’t our battle. The more we care for the person, the more personal the loss. It’s very difficult to take a personal loss outside of our locus of control. Again, we cannot control anyone else. As much as we care, we need to maintain the emotional boundary and recognize that – no matter how much we may care for this person – it’s their battle to fight. It’s their battle to win.

As someone who has sincerely struggled with boundaries, emotional boundaries are unique because we truly cannot change the things we feel. We can change our relationship with those feelings, though. We can acknowledge them, give them space, and work through them. Naming the feelings, taking a breath, and finding the path forward. For me, I acknowledge the feelings and the reasons for them, that helps me move forward. Knowing that the results are out of my control helps me move through my feelings and hold space for the person who is really the one fighting. Love.

My story this week is about someone I dated; someone I tried to help, but ultimately had to let go.

I’ve encountered a few men who get really interested and invested in my early on, before we meet. This was one of those. We had fantastic conversations about emotionally mature relationship needs and issues. He was enamored by me almost immediately and I really enjoyed talking with him. We talked for weeks, everyday. It was so wonderful and comfortable that we met soon after the first few weeks.

It kept being wonderful, to a point. One day he mentioned that he was still talking with two other women he met prior to me. It caused a bit of conflict because I had been clear that I only engage in exclusive relationships. Then things got weird. We had gotten really close and he was hesitating. His communication went inconsistent. He was people-pleasing. He couldn’t make a decision between women. A “dog with two bones” situation.

Somehow, he stretched himself so thin that he imploded the entire situation. I couldn’t help him, I certainly couldn’t “fix” him, I just had to acknowledge the situation and move on. That whole attempt at a relationship ended by me sending him resources and love, but also by me setting strict boundaries and letting him go. I really had no choice. He didn’t love me, he was just so used to keeping the women in his life happy that he compulsively said whatever I wanted to hear. He needed help, not me.

Sometimes our role is to step back and/or let go. Focus on the things you can control: your responses to your feelings and your actions for the person you want to help. It’s really all we can do.

Always with Love, -S.