There are so many forms of love and relationships in this world. Monogamous relationships have been the socially-accepted standard for a long time. When I left my second marriage, I decided to explore polyamory and work on the emotional intelligence required for ethical non-monogamy. Long story short: I’m capable of polyamory, but I lean more monogamous. Romantically, I could love many people, and I believe I do. Physically, I can’t. I’m very uncomfortable getting intimate with multiple partners, even if it’s all consensual. From a meme off Poly.land, which I believe referenced a blog by the creator of Poly.land: there are three ways of being poly. The wanting of multiple partners, the having of multiple partners, and the sharing of partners. I struggled with the “having” in a way I never saw coming, and have sought monogamish partnerships ever since. It turns out, it’s really hard to share when you cannot have multiple partners yourself. The desire is there, but the action is not.

I think there are probably a lot of people who like the idea of multiple partners. In today’s society of immediate gratification, more = better in a lot of minds. The idea is nice because, for those of us without an amazing partner beyond whatever we need, we seek for additional needs to be met and it sounds like more partners to meet those needs could be the answer. In polyamorous relationships, this is true. Most people that I know who are polyamorous get needs met by multiple partners, some have overlap between partners and some are with specific partners. It takes a lot of work, and it takes a lot of communication, but they get all their needs met this way. In my mind, this sounded really nice. No feelings of being repressed when I got a crush on another person, the ability to have partners and know which needs they could satisfy so I could divide the labor, effectively. I, like many others, have a wanting for multiple partners. I love too much to constrain it to only one person.

The having of multiple partners is a living nightmare for a people pleaser. Seriously. If you’re trying to keep everyone happy, but you have to maneuver the feelings of multiple partners along with your own… it’s overwhelming. The first time I tried to add a second partner, it took some convincing. I got the okay, then they got really demanding and controlling before anything happened. People pleaser kicked in and I shut down the relationship I was building. It was rough. In retrospect, I should’ve left the first partner for the second, but that’s part of the learning process. Navigating everyone’s feelings and boundaries takes a lot of emotional and mental energy, not everyone has the bandwidth to make that work. It caused me far too much anxiety and stress about hurting one of the people I cared about. I experienced multiple traumatizing experiences and then I just stopped trying. I keep my partners distinct now, and I overcommunicate what I’m willing to do with them. I haven’t had another blowout since.

The sharing of partners became another trigger point. I could share a partner who already had partner(s), but I struggled a lot with an existing partner starting a new relationship. This is why I keep distinct partner relationships and silo them. Sharing a partner takes a lot of emotional work, recognizing any jealousy and addressing it in myself. I hit a hard boundary, though (and this is both a physical boundary and emotional abandonment trigger.) Only one person can be in a sexual relationship with me, so any partner in this relationship is also not able to form other sexual relationships. This is why I’m monogamish. I can love many people, but there are limitations to what I can share. I can share just about anything else. My partner wants to kiss, cuddle, date another person? Okay. I don’t have a ton of time for dates, for example, so if they want to go on dates without a sexual relationship – go for it. It’s a problem for most polyamorous people, though. Polyamory looks different for everyone, but having rules or hierarchy is frowned upon. So, I just go monogamish – one partner, and some closer friends that I have consent to kiss and/or cuddle. My partner can have the same, probably? I don’t know. I still don’t have a longterm partner that is anywhere close to that silo. It’s been rocky with the partners I’ve had. So, I may end up in full monogamy someday… I don’t know.

All these relationship forms are valid. I have cuddle buddies, for example. That makes them a bit more than friends, but it’s a lot like “fwb” without any sex. The one thing that I really love taking from polyamory is that you can throw out the rulebook and make your own with whatever partner(s) you have. It’s liberating to create your own relationship that meets your needs and suits your values. Relationship Anarchy is what that’s called. Throw out the rulebook, who wrote that thing, anyway? Instead of following unspoken expectations, put all the expectations and needs out on the table and use them to define new rules.

My story this week is about my actual first marriage, it wasn’t legally documented.

I got married in high school, to a woman. I loved her with my whole heart. We held a ceremony officiated by a male friend under some trees in town. No one else knew, just the three of us. We wrote our own vows, wore woodland fantasy dresses that suited our two styles, and we vowed to each other in that little forest hidden away from everyone.

Then, I don’t know why, but I don’t think I ever talked to my wife again after graduation. I cannot remember any falling out, or any reason we wouldn’t have kept in touch, but we didn’t. We lost touch and I have no idea where she is now. I have always had love for multiple people. I dated men, exclusively, but there are women in this world that I have loved completely – with devotion that I just don’t hold for men. Yet, my life partner is not likely to be a woman. No matter how much I love them, the relationships are so different that I cannot see myself partnered with a woman in that way. I, absurdly, feel need for a man in my life – despite how much trouble they cause me. But, my first true love was a woman. I still love her, through distance and time, wherever she is today.

There are so many versions of love in this life, choose to hold as many as you can.

Love always, -S.