Love languages: physical touch talk (this is fifth in a series.) I am powered by cuddles. Physical touch is an incredibly important love language for me; I would not choose a relationship with someone whose physical touch was misaligned with my needs. It is the most important love language, for me, in a romantic relationship. When I cannot see my partner in person and feel their presence, I lose connection and have often spiraled emotionally as a result. While dating, this is incredibly difficult, so I’ve been working a lot on the emotional component.

I need cuddles at least once a week. I physically ache without physical contact with another person. I have platonic cuddle buddies because I know that I need that physical contact. I believe I am on an extreme end of the spectrum here. When I read Jay Shetty’s 8 Rules of Love, I felt like I hit a wall when he recommended only seeing each other once a week for the first month of a relationship. My immediate reaction was to catastrophize: “I will never find real love if that’s what it takes to build it.” I want that physical presence 3 or more times a week, one is stressful for me. When that once-a-week presence gets cancelled, I’ll spiral. I’m going to make another post for that…

I’m wiser than my catastrophizing, but I still have knee-jerk reactions that stem from my traumas and insecurities. I have been told things moved “so fast” in my relationships more than I want to quantify. I want cuddles; just some physical contact, they want sex, always sooner than either of us wanted mentally and emotionally. I have had to tell men “cuddles isn’t code for sex” more often than makes me comfortable. I am comfortable and confident in my sexuality, but that doesn’t mean I want to rush things. Men fall out of love with me every time I give into their desires, so I feel pretty locked between “rock” and “hard place.”

I’m facing that fallout for the Nth time as I write this, and I honestly don’t have any solutions. I took a step back from dating, suddenly got pursued by a promising partner, who promptly became distant as soon as we got close. I made the mistake of letting my guard down, of being a woman in this world who trusts people and is empowered sexually. I guess at this point, I just hope someday someone won’t freak out about my comfort in who I am. Physical touch is my primary love language, and if that makes you uncomfortable: don’t date me.

Physical touch isn’t sex, it’s connection with physical presence. A partner holding my hand is comforting, touching me gently while I’m doing something is grounding, cuddling me soothes my nervous system, kissing my head makes me pause when I’m normally running at eleven, etc. I am a human personification of a cat – if you come up and touch me (and I like you) I’m going to reciprocate, possibly with a head bump followed by nuzzling my face into you, just like a cat. When I care for a partner, I want to give them soothing touches whenever they have stress or just to show my affection. I love a partner curling into my chest and stroking my hands through their hair, it makes me feel like I’m comforting them and I love to help them feel better.

My story this week is about cuddles.

I think one of my favorite parts of motherhood was the baby cuddles. This human that was inside of me wanted to be with me all the time. I reveled in it because touch is my primary love language, holding my baby was euphoric. I still get kid cuddles, and they’re amazing. Though, I feel like cuddles come with an energy exchange, and kid cuddles are feeding energy to my child, not me. I find fulfillment in them, but my child cannot care for me the way a partner or parent can. This is why I sought out platonic cuddles.

With an adult, the energy exchange is mutual: we both benefit. We hold each other. My little touch battery slowly fills in my heart so that I have the peace and calm to face another day as my best self. If touch is important to you, consider nonsexual cuddles? It’s the key for me. I hope my ideas help you ❤

Not every cuddle buddy has been a good fit. I have moved to my own couch when a cuddle buddy snored supremely loud and I couldn’t wake them. I have met people who had personal qualities that made me uncomfortable. The most common issue is smell, quickly followed by snoring. Snoring is really common and I am a light sleeper, so a good cuddle buddy is hard to find. But, a good one is worth A LOT of peace.

Physical touch isn’t always sexual, it can be comfort or safety. Things we all need.

Love and cuddles, -S.