Love languages: words of affirmation talk (this is the fourth in a series.) Words hold more value than those in my youth wanted me to believe. Words shape us, not just actions. Some of us are more sensitive to words. I’m sensitive to the words spoken to me. When I have a partner focusing on all the areas I need to improve, I feel like I’ll never be good enough. I need positive reinforcement to feel secure. I need reassurance sometimes. I need to talk with my partner about things to feel close to them. Words are very important to me.

When I was little, my dad gave me a lot of words of affirmation. He instilled in me a belief in myself that carried me through many accomplishments in this life. Through his words, I genuinely believed I could be anything I wanted to be and do anything I put the work into. Those words were incredibly valuable and influential on me as a child. As an adult, I value the positive affirmations from anyone around me. However, they hit a bit different now.

I value genuine words of affirmation. When I was a kid, if someone told me I was amazing, I would have loved it. As an adult, I appreciate words of affirmation that are more like “I was really impressed by how you connected _____ to ________ in ________.” The underlying message can be the same “you’re amazing!” but there is far more value in the second message because the affirmation is specific and not grandiose. I say that as someone who thinks all my friends are amazing, so I have to work to make (what I define to be) valuable words of affirmation.

In some of my courses, there are assignments that I grade on “thoughtful effort” and I think this is a good way of describing the difference (for me) between empty words of affirmation and valuable words of affirmation. Anyone can say “that was great!” without meaning, but when they say specific feedback about individual parts – that’s what really feels good.

If I translate this to a relationship, then the words of affirmation relate to the relationship and the things I am doing for my partner or the relationship. It’s great if my partner likes me, but it’s even better if I am doing things that make my partner feel good in the relationship. I want to know what I’m doing well (positive reinforcement) just as much as I want to know what I can do better (growth.) The positive reinforcement strengthens the connection and encourages the growth.

My story this week is just a recommended practice of mine.

I started practicing words of affirmation for strangers years ago. Here’s how it goes: If I see something I like about a person, or I see someone do something I think is admirable in some way – I make an effort to tell them. Period.

I end up talking to a lot of strangers. It’s not just things like “nice shirt!” or “cool shoes!” or “your eyes are gorgeous!” Sometimes it’s things like “I really like how you described ____.” Sometimes it’s catching them put themselves down and stepping in just to build them back up.

Our words in this life can shape us, not just others. I make it an active practice to spread love through small acts, whenever I can. Words of affirmation are a love we can give anyone, including strangers. To me, it’s worth giving them something good, even if it’s small.

Spread Love, please. Love, -S.