Love Languages: quality time talk. (This is the third in a series.)

Time is one of our most valuable assets. The cliché is “time is money.” If someone feels that their time is better spent elsewhere, they won’t be taking the time to give you quality time. When someone values your presence in their life, they will make time for you. As one of the busiest people I know, I make time for the people I want to see. I work for it, and I make it work. It isn’t always ideal, but I do whatever I can.

Quality time, for me, requires real interaction. Both of my marriages settled into “quality time” that was couch-sitting with entertainment. I slowly drifted in these situations because that time was lower quality for me than playing a game, discussing future plans, or getting out and doing an activity together. I think that quality time looks different for everyone, but for me, I need quality time to be interactive for it to have high value.

As a contrast, I dated a guy briefly who explained to me that even a 30 second phone call to check in qualified as quality time for him. We had 45 minute phone calls every day that felt somewhat exhausting to me, but I made efforts to meet his needs because he expressed them. However, I asked to just meet up (for coffee, or whatever) once a week, and that was too much for him. I appreciate phone calls more than texts, but they aren’t the same as in-person quality time. I still find quality time in physical presence.

In any relationship, expressing these needs and what they mean to you seems vital. Quality time for me involves physical presence, and often ends up overlapping with physical touch because I’m powered by cuddles. However, what it looked like for me was entirely different from that partner. I made efforts to meet his needs, but he wasn’t willing to meet mine and we went our separate ways rather quickly. I was disappointed, but I also recognized that we were fundamentally different in our needs and that was going to cause conflict and stress if we pursued a relationship. These deconstructions and recognition of my needs has been critical in evaluating potential relationships.

My story this week is about quantity time…

I’ve heard that if you’re friends with someone for 7 years, you’ll be friends for life. I resonate with that because I have so many friends from over 7 years ago that we can just pick up at any point and we’re always there for each other. The time we spent together in the past, which built our friendships, created a solid foundation that we maintained for years. My friendships in college and beyond were quite different from my friendships in k-12. The sense of “adulthood” changed my relationships, I think.

When we’re kids, we are limited by our school, our classes, and our interests/peer groups. The population of people we’re exposed to changes drastically when we reach High School, but becomes much more when we go to a university where the options for classes and interests expands significantly. We make friends in k-12, but we’re all in situations where our options are limited. As kids, we don’t have as much freedom. We live with our parents, we have a small group of friends we see every day, and the options for our interests is more limited.

My best friends are from college. I have people I still feel close to that I met in k-12, but my college friends saw me for who I became as an independent human. My persona was molded by my environment in k-12. I pushed the boundaries I could, but I didn’t get much time with friends between ages 9 and 13. I feel like those 4 years were vital development years and when I entered high school, I had to learn to socialize in new ways. When I got to college, there was a huge shift in my friendships because I started to trust friendships in a new way. There was time available as an adult that I couldn’t have gotten as a kid. College was the time I learned to trust female friends, not just male ones.

And, you know what? My two best female friends are basically family. They’re wonderful humans that I love more than any of my other friends, and that’s saying a lot because I truly love my other friends, too, but there are special friendships formed over the quantity of time required to build that foundation. Hugs.

I seek quantity and quality time in my relationships because those bonds are the ones I find to be unbreakable.

May you find the best of your time needs in your relationships. Love, -S.