In recent developments, I have finally been holding my value. I recognized long ago that I let people treat me like trash in relationships. I didn’t feel like I had value, so I bent until I was resentful. It took one of the most abusive relationships I’ve ever had combined with parenthood for me to start to see my value. Finding our value when we let others treat us as though we have none… is a journey, not a destination.

It’s been a rocky road of improvements and backslides. I sought out relationship advice from men on the internet, like Matthew Hussey. I read about attachment styles and did exercises on my own as well as in therapy. I went on dates with men who were further in their healing process, whom I struggled to connect with or whom recognized that I needed more time to heal. I got windows into healthy relationships, and I got reflections of my value from the eyes of these strangers.

The growth happened in healthy interactions and friendships that formed when dating was clearly not going anywhere. The backslides happened when I dated men closer to the beginning of their journey and my traumas got triggered. Everything brought me lessons. As I write this, another situation is bringing me another lesson… because the lessons don’t end. As an academic, I’m a lifelong learner, and I embrace that in every aspect of my life.

I’ve gotten so much better. I tell men when our goals are misaligned, I am transparent if I need to keep dating others. I express my needs, and when the partner shows me they cannot meet my needs, I let them go. I even found, for the first time in my life, a sense of peace without a romantic relationship or the seeking of one.

The keys to my value were recognizing exactly what I bring to the table as a partner. I know now, from experience, that I bring peace, love, support, and care. I know now that my accomplishments encourage a good partner and that they’ll support me in reaching more of them. I know now that a good partner isn’t going to be intimidated by my many facets, and in fact, they’ll be enthralled by them. I know now that for someone to be my partner, I need at least a daily check-in. I need to know they’re choosing me and not splitting their focus trying to keep options open. Likewise, if I’m wanting to keep my options open, I’m better off telling them that outright and letting them go if that’s not what they want.

Value is not entitlement, it’s grounded knowledge of oneself and one’s needs. Value is shown in peaceful expression of needs and calm presence in the face of misaligned goals or needs. Value is shown in the transparency and respect of each other, including a decision to walk away when needed.

My story this week is about a different kind of value.

I value honesty, respect, and responsibility (a trio I got from a friend, who got it from her mom, etc.) The value I find in others comes from their values. I will always seek to learn of the qualities within a person. I have never cared about appearance as much as their heart. (Though, I am guilty of falling for people’s appearances in dating… I’m still growing.) I seek a man in this world with a heart that matches mine. I haven’t found one, yet.

We all have our pains. We all grew from our experiences, from the lessons we were taught. For me, honesty is a foundational quality because without honesty – we never know what we’re getting. I find that my trust in what others tell me is directly tied to how honest I am with them. When I felt uncomfortable sharing my desire for another child with a partner, I got incredibly insecure because I was holding back information. Our feelings are so often a reflection of our own actions. Honesty is required on both sides to build trust, to build a relationship. So, I want to know everything, don’t hold back.

Respect is a quality I had to learn how to earn. I’ve found myself in this life, when I look back, effectively groveling to people around me. I took a “peasant” role in a world where I needed to walk as an equal. We don’t get respect by groveling, we get respect when we respect ourselves enough to know our value. We earn respect when others see how we place ourselves in their presence and what kind of treatment we are willing to accept. Hesitation, insecurity, waffling, anything of the sort and respect will fall. Knowing ourselves and presenting our value earns that respect, but if we don’t return it to our partner – we really never earned it in the first place. Respect in a relationship must be mutual. I cannot tolerate disrespect from a partner anymore, they get a warning – then I’m done.

Responsibility is putting the ego aside. We know exactly what we’ve done, we take responsibility for our actions, and we seek to improve. Responsibility is a core value of someone that has high value in my mind. One of my issues with religion has always been forgiveness because I feel like everything I do in this life matters. Every regret is a point for growth, every lesson must be learned from and used to become better. Responsibility is the side that shows whether or not someone is capable of growing in a relationship. In order to build a relationship, both partners must own their responsibilities in order to grow together. If a partner is blaming me, I’m out. I’ll own my responsibility, but I am no longer accepting sole responsibility for relationship conflicts.

We all have value, and I hope this helps you find yours.

Love, -S.