These next few posts will be a series about love languages. I’m particularly fond of these deconstructions and the articulation of specific ways we give and receive love. I’m choosing to start with the most controversial one, and the one I felt was at the bottom of my list. However, we all experience a level of love in the giving and receiving of each language articulated.

Love Languages: Receiving gifts talk. I’m the worst receiver of gifts. I’m super awkward about people giving me gifts. It’s really awkward when students are graduating and they want to give me a card or some gift to thank me as their professor. I feel so conflicted because that’s not really appropriate in the position. I’m worse about personal gifts. When friends and family give me gifts, I almost go dead inside. It’s a “deer in headlights” and “I don’t know how to respond” tied together with an inherent lack of value when gifts are received that are not things I’ll use or enjoy. I shut down. As an adult, I can do it better today than I could 20 years ago, but as a kid and a young adult I was often labeled as ungrateful.

So, we don’t really give each other gifts anymore. Every holiday is met with cards or in-person visits. My child receives lots of gifts, but I am often relieved of the internal panic by not receiving gifts at all. However, I did a Secret Santa last year and a stranger gave me one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. It’ll sound simple, but it meant so much to me. In my list for the Secret Santa I had put some simple things on Amazon, for simple options. However, there was also a feature where you could give general information for gift ideas. One of my things is fun, colorful earrings. So, I mentioned that in my list. She picked out two pairs of lightweight, beautiful earrings that are unlike anything in my collection. We didn’t know each other, we haven’t had a conversation since the Secret Santa, but it was one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. My appreciation was completely genuine and I was super excited by them. That is something rare for me in gift-receiving.

As someone who is neurodivergent, I think that giving gifts solely for the sake of giving gifts does not make any sense to me. I like giving gifts when I find something that I think the person will like. It turns out, I also like receiving gifts that are thoughtful. I am filled with anxiety over gifts for specific holidays without guidance; but guidance helps. Seeing things that make me think of a friend or family member – those are the best, though. Those gifts are rare and special to me.

Receiving gifts isn’t always receiving an object packaged in a box with a pretty bow. Sometimes, the gift is a person’s presence or time. Sometimes, the gift is a meal or a hug. Sometimes, the gift is hidden in a lesson. These gifts are the ones I’ve truly felt loved by receiving. I am so incredibly grateful for the time with good friends, gifts that fill a need, and gifts that help me grow. I hope in this discussion, you can articulate what those “gifts” are for you.

My stories this week are about gifts I’ve given and my joy in them.

I give some strange gifts. For Christmas, in undergrad, I gave my roommate a gift that I thought she would really appreciate. She didn’t seem to… I bought a set of sake glasses from a thrift store, a box from a craft store, and I painted the box in her favorite colors. I lined the box, put the glasses inside it, and I was super excited to give it to her. However, much like many of my gift-giving experiences when I was younger, she seemed confused. I didn’t think she liked it. We don’t talk much anymore, so I don’t know if she liked it. I put so much love into that box, and that’s honestly how I like to give gifts. It was the first gift of my memory that I really loved what I did, I took joy in trying to create something I hoped she would love.

I don’t remember the occasion, but in my first year of graduate school I baked a bunch of cookies to make a cookie trail for a professor we had that loved cookies. We made a trail of cookies from his office to the classroom (all of them were on napkins), and he picked them up as we all walked with him as a group to witness him laugh and eat cookies all the way to class that day. That was a joint effort of fun; it was a gift. It gave him a laugh, and a huge bag of cookies.

I randomly bought a bunch of silly socks for my colleagues. No holiday, no reason, just because I found a cool sock site and I thought they would like them. I often find that I buy gifts for other people when I find something I like. I think, sometimes, this backfires because what I like is not always something they like. *facepalm*

Giving or receiving, gift with love.

Love, always, -S.