I never believed in love at first sight. I wished for the kind of love in Disney movies, but I honestly didn’t believe it existed. None of my relationships mirrored anything like a Disney movie. I was always drawn to relationships with people who didn’t see me, value me, or love me – for ME (always a version of my role self, not my true self.) Yet, there have been a few that struck me on first glance. Neither became a relationship, yet I loved them in a way that I have only loved them. Perhaps there is a love at first sight connection, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you if it’s true or good because I destroyed both of those connections. My self-sabotage was the downfall of those connections.

I’ve realized that I know who I like rather immediately. My relationships previously were based on people who wanted to be with me rather than people I chose, and it’s only recently that I realized the reason was my self-sabotage. My heart lives on my sleeve; I care about everyone I let into my life. So, dating is exhausting in a way for me that others don’t seem to experience. If I spend time with someone, I invest in them emotionally. When it doesn’t work out, which is more than 99% of the time, it takes an emotional toll on me.

When I started paying close attention to my wants and needs in a partner, it only made the process more exhausting. I view 100 profiles for every 1 I say “yes” to. For the fraction of those that connect with me in return, we talk in chat on the app, perhaps 1 out of 30 are people I meet. Most will not hold a conversation, or disappear. Some I will tell I am not interested, others I will (unfortunately) just stop talking to. Sometimes I will get overwhelmed by 8 or more matches suddenly appearing in my app, and then I will just shut down entirely. It’s too many people to try and get to know, and I get overwhelmed. Of those I eventually meet, I’ve liked one in close to 50 (I honestly didn’t count, but 18 months with 2-4 people per month… I think it’s roughly 50.)

I’m so tired of dating. That’s an estimated 1500 people I’ve talked to from dating apps. I’ve genuinely liked and wanted a relationship with ONE of them. It has now been almost two years on dating apps (by the time this posts, it will have been two years.) The only person I’ve genuinely wanted to be with was also the only one of those people that I fell for at first sight. I didn’t know I would like him so much. I liked the communication, I felt like we had similar outlooks, and we seemed compatible in some of our desires – but as soon as we met, that was it for me. I looked up at this stranger on the sidewalk and I was done. I cancelled two other dates that week and just focused on him from that moment on.

I’ve never been someone to date multiple people at the same time, it turns out. I wanted to be polyamorous, but I can’t get past my hangups of hurting someone else’s feelings or feeling like I’m betraying someone. I just want one person to love, who loves me. I want the kind of connection that I had with that person, where I look up at them and say “that’s it. I don’t want anyone else.” Over three months later, I still don’t want anyone else. I’ve met a dozen other men since, but none of them came close. None of them made it past a first date, just like most of the men I met before him.

I don’t know if it’s just a trauma bond, or if it’s real. All I know is that the only other person who struck me that way ripped my heart to shreds and left it in a million pieces after 7 years putting in work that brought down my walls. Neither of them were in a relationship with me. The first one was a friend, and the second one never got to know me well enough to know if it could be more. All I know is that I love them both, and I’ll love them always. The first one, I have no desires for a relationship anymore. I made it to the other side before I met the second. Now, I’m in dating lockdown until I make it to the other side with the second. I cannot love another when my heart wants him.

The value I’ve gained from these two lies in the lessons. 1) I can love people in a way I never knew before meeting them, 2) I know what kind of love I want – I want to only want them – else it’s not long term for me, 3) I have to heal more before I can love again. So, dating is a waste of my time and energy.

To finding love: may it flow like a river. I hope I’m past the rapids…

My story this week is about a river.

I was incredibly fortunate to live by a river when I lived with my dad around age 12. He moved into that place after the divorce, and although it was a tiny a-frame house, it was in a beautiful spot. The place had beautiful trees, wildlife, and a river. All I needed to do was walk down to the end of the driveway to the river. I love water, and I love rivers second to the ocean. I saw an otter once. Otters were always a special animal to me. Sea otters and river otters, while different in many ways, are both special to me. I felt a connection to that place. We went snorkeling – from our driveway – how many kids get to do that?

There’s a very odd photo shoot at that house with me holding a bunch of trout we caught. I think that was the trip when I “skunked” my dad because the only trout he caught was too small. I still think my dad liked me to think I won, even when I didn’t. He loved me in a way that is hard to match. Leave it to me to think posing in a bikini with each fish was fun. I still have all those photos (and I was too young… don’t think it was sexy! It wasn’t.) The photos are of me around 10 years old holding up trout and posing like I was kissing them, dancing with them, hugging them… you’re welcome. I’m ridiculous. I loved those little fish, but then we ate them.

May we all embrace love (rather than devouring it.)

Love, Always, -S.