This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Struggle-Bus-e2ko05i

I hate dating. I don’t hate anything, but I hate dating. I go through ups and downs with it. I close all my apps and stop talking to people for a while – quite regularly. I then come back, somewhat more haphazardly, and go through the same cycle all over again. Most of the people I meet like me, but I really don’t like most of them. The worst part: I still have anxious attachment issues. So, when I find someone I do like… I become a different person and scare them off. I end up frustrated with myself and depressed about dating in general, every time.

Anxious attachment and dating do not work well together. How can you meet someone that you hit it off with, when you have anxious attachment, and then go a week or more without seeing them? I mean, I do it with friends all the time, why can’t I do it with dates?! Questions I ask myself all the time. I understand it, logically, but my lizard brain still goes into panic mode as soon as my attachment system gets triggered. Then, I feel like an idiot for letting it take the wheel.

Obviously, when we first meet someone, we don’t know them yet. We don’t know if they’re a good fit for us or our lifestyle. Yet, if we get along really well with them on a first date – it triggers a lot of feelings. For someone like me (hopelessly seeking love at every turn), that’s not a good thing. My therapist said that most people with anxious attachment try to make every person “the one,” even if it’s subconsciously. Oh, hey! That’s me!

I’m a bit weird because I have no attachment issues within my relationships with non-men. So, I’m going to unpack that for you all, and maybe you can find the parallels in your own lives. I have had dates with people who identified as men, women, and nonbinary. So, I have been able to observe my mental state with each. I have a stable, secure attachment reaction to dates with women and nonbinary folks, but I have an anxious attachment reaction to dates with men.

So, let’s look at the parental figures for a moment… My dad was the parent that I cuddled with. He rubbed my back at night, he cared for me when I was sick, he was the touchy-feely parent. My dad wanted to know everything about me and have constant contact. The divorce caused a lot of problems in that relationship because I chose to live with my mom. My mom is not touchy-feely. We hug, but we aren’t going to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together. I know she loves me without that contact. So, as it turns out, when I date women – I expect/need less from them.

As much as I am frustrated by this – I need that reinforcement of connection with men. However, most men are more avoidantly attached… so that’s something that is scary for them and vulnerable to a point that makes them uncomfortable. Thus, the anxious-avoidant cycle chaos. I’m drawn to them, for whatever the reason, but what I need involves a lot more affection, communication, and connection than avoidants want or feel comfortable with.

I really hit it off with one anxiously attached man, but we hit a wall and crumbled to the ground really fast because that anxious side caused him to freak out and go silent – then quickly get attached to a new partner. FM(dating)L. My entire dating (and marriage) life has been with avoidants, aside from one securely attached man in high school. It’s still the only relationship I’ve had that was ended by the other party. I was what is called “disorganized” attached, and he was securely attached. He felt the disconnect and ended things – I hadn’t healed enough for secure attachment. Today, I am still drawn to securely attached men, but they run from me. I don’t blame them.

My story this week is about something I did while dating as an anxiously attached person.

So, I’d been in the dating scene over a year. I kept going on one date, ending it there. Some would be 2-5 dates, but I’d still end it there. I had that “situationship” dragging me down for about 10 months of that time. I finally cut loose the “situationship” and found someone new that I really liked. I had my first really good date. We didn’t do anything special, we just grabbed dinner on my way to dance: tacos.

We talked for a little over an hour, comfortably, with lots of laughs. I enjoyed him in a way I hadn’t enjoyed anyone the entire time I was dating. He seemed kind, genuinely interested in me, and funny without being showy. I smiled my entire drive to dance that night. I really liked him already. We’d been talking through an app for a few weeks and recently switched to texting.

We texted all week, and it was great. He was responsive and kind, he shared about his day and seemed supportive and happy to talk to me. We met up for coffee that weekend. We talked again for over an hour, walked around a bit. It was so cold that we had to get back inside. I hadn’t planned on it, but we went to my home because it was too cold to keep walking and my place was nearby. He was super respectful, open, and attractive. He was so respectful that I made the first move; I moved in to kiss him (with a verbal warning.)

Things went from zero to eleven. We both got whiplash. We had a nice chat until I had to run off for an event, and he sent me nice texts that evening. Then, SILENCE. Day 3 my anxious side had a freak out and sent him a super long text message at 4:30am. I faceplanted. He read my messages that day and I felt so ashamed of my anxious side. I still don’t know how I thought that was remotely reasonable. I mean, everyone I talked to thought the same thing “he got what he wanted,” “what a jerk!” etc.

So, perhaps he had it coming, but only time will tell. I walked away from that interaction realizing that I am clearly not “healed” from my anxious attachment trauma. What person who is securely attached writes a 4am essay to a person they only had two dates with? I’m guessing only anxiously attached folks do that. I keep working. Please enjoy the ridiculousness of that situation and wish me healing. I want to someday be a person who cannot be thrown by silence. Someday. Please.

No matter your attachment style, relationships and dating are a struggle bus in and of themselves. You got this.

Love and hugs, -S.