This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Toxicity-e2knvnr

I managed to let that “breadcrumber” go, just like I left my marriages and cut off communication with my father. This post is about that journey. How do we acknowledge the pain, process it, and move on? I can tell you how I moved on, but how I chose to do so may not be how you choose to do so. I have an endless heart; I will love in spite of pain, long after I leave someone. So, my process may not be your process, but I hope my process helps you find love for yourself in that journey.

The first step is awareness, as it always is. We cannot find a solution until we identify the problem. (That’s true for mathematical modeling, too!) For me, this always shows up as depression. Any repression, by myself or others, causes me depression. It also tends to intensify the issues present with the other person because it’s not great to be around someone who is depressed… So, someone in my life would always suggest I get help, or I would seek out therapy to help me find a way out. The depression is my signal that something is off.

The next step is articulation. The depression would tell me there was a problem, but not what that problem actually was. I had to do work to figure that out. (It turns out that this post is a parallel of the mathematical modeling process and I am here for it!) For me, I find articulation by introspection and therapy. Sometimes I also find articulation from friends around me. I might never have made it out of my second marriage without my friend that nannied for us. She supported me, stood up for me, and cared for my child. She saved my life, in a way, because without her I may never have trusted that I was in an abusive situation – not just a crazy person. My TMS treatment and my therapist gave me the insight to leave the “breadcrumber,” and my move to the cold place for my job was the key that caused me to leave my first marriage.

In terms of articulation, in all of these circumstances I recognized that I was no longer “me.” I was someone else’s version of me, and that didn’t feel good. For me, repression leads to depression, every time. So, the solution? The (mathematical?) work to reach a solution involved reclaiming parts of me that I had lost. Standing up for myself, setting boundaries, and casting off the shackles of someone else’s version of me. That’s the work. Sometimes it’s going to be easier than others, but when you love someone – it’s never easy. The more I reclaimed myself, the more pushback from the person I had bent to… which made reclaiming myself easier. Because anyone who doesn’t appreciate you – isn’t going to be worth that energy.

I love bright colors, cats, absurdity, intelligence, kindness, etc. When someone I was close to criticized my clothes and colors, long enough, I pulled back. When someone I was close to didn’t like my cat – I usually didn’t get close to that person – but in one case, they “liked” cats until that slowly unfolded and they didn’t. I spent less time with my cat. I wish I had spent more time with my cat. When I do something silly and don’t get a positive reaction, but instead embarrassment, I don’t feel myself around those people anymore. When someone tries to tell me I’m dumb, or tells me how I should think, I shut down. When I see someone making fun of strangers, or judging others when they have no knowledge of them – I shut down. When you combine all of those into one relationship – I was repressed, judged, and depressed. As I tried to reclaim these things – it only got worse. As my cousin said to me “They gotta love your weird! If they don’t love your weird, they don’t love you.”

That leads us to the solution. If the solution is to cut someone out of your life, there will be a period of grief. You may cut them off, then give them additional chances. You may cut them off, and then they show up at your door – when they don’t have your address – thinking you need them. (Yeah, had that happen.) You may have to file some form of restraining order if the person doesn’t accept the no-contact request and/or blocking. You may have to continue interacting with that person through coparenting, in which case, there is no option for no-contact. The best solution is to heal yourself. I did, and am still doing that with TMS and therapy. We cannot change the people around us, but we can do everything in our power to be better in ourselves.

This week, I think I’ll just tell some silly cat stories.

The bread loaf: We had two cats in my first marriage. L and K…. L was a giant poofball that acted like he should be wearing a monocle because he thought he was proper, but then he ran into doors… K was tiny, adorable, demanding, and liked to chew on everything. After her destruction of several cables, there was an incident one night with a loaf of bread. Somehow, they got a loaf of bread off the counter, onto the floor, and then proceeded to knead the heck out of it like a kitty punching bag. I’m not sure what the bread loaf did, but I don’t think it deserved the bread massacre it received. There were claw punctures all over the bag and tufts of bread all over the kitchen floor that morning. The cats just sat at attention, “Invader has been neutralized, Mum.”

The sardines: Oh, Noises Off, I should watch that again. I love fish. Cats love fish. I love cats. So, fish in the house usually results in nosey cats. I opened a can of sardines one night, and they lost their damn minds! I had never heard a cat make the anxious meowls that came out of those two that night. You would think they’d never eaten before, they became ravenous beasties with a nose for sardines. I’d never actually seen a Pavlovian response in a cat, but L was noticeably drooling before he took a bite. Note: if you keep sardines in your house, guard them from the cats! Unless you hate sardines, in which case – perhaps you need some cats?

Be like a cat; just be you, and disregard anyone who can’t love you for who you are. (But, please try not to be an asshole? Cats are assholes…)

Love, hugs, you got this! -S.