This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Deserving-Love-e2knujs

Real love is not about “deserving” it. One of the biggest holes I had to fill was the seeking of love that I deserved, externally. Depression was an amplifier of these feelings, this hole. I spent all my efforts seeking that love. I have done and created so much in my life – all in an effort to be worthy. I love to see the growing movement to teach us that we are inherently worthy. I wonder if such an effort would have made any difference in my search for love in this life. I don’t remember anyone telling me or teaching me that I was inherently worthy; that my thoughts and feelings mattered.

My feelings have often been seen as some sort of nuisance. This has been true in my family and in my romantic relationships. I am intuitively drawn to people that devalue my experience and judge my feelings. I realized that all my romantic relationships were with men who saw my feelings as an attack. The cause of this is twofold. 1) Men often feel responsible for women’s happiness (they aren’t actually responsible for this, it’s just a very common misconception and burden that men take on.) 2) Emotional intelligence and awareness requires one to notice their own emotions, and this is something that most men are not taught in our society (we’re starting to do better, though!)

We are never responsible for someone else’s happiness. I think the stereotypical, heteronormative relationship places men in a role where they feel overly responsible for everything that happens in their family. (This could be true of anyone in any relationship structure, but that’s the stereotypical heteronormative version.) When we take responsibility for things outside of our control, we set ourselves up for feelings of shame and/or pain. We cannot change what anyone else does; we cannot take responsibility for those actions. By doing so, the pressure on us to control others is intense. It’s a burden that no one should carry.

Emotional intelligence is the key to grounding ourselves and finding peace. If we can articulate our emotions and manage them in a healthy way, we can interact with people under any circumstances. My second husband couldn’t articulate his emotions. Like “most” men, he could articulate anger, but not much else. We used the feelings wheel in couples therapy, and in time he found ways to express more feelings. Articulating our feelings is just the foundation of emotional intelligence, there is so much more to gain from that articulation. I’m so happy to see parents today (and my child’s teachers) emphasizing the articulation of emotions, even in toddlers. My child can name their emotions; I’m not sure I could name my emotions when I was a child. It helps them recover.

When a person 1) feels responsible for another’s feelings and 2) cannot articulate their own feelings – it’s a perfect recipe for resentment when someone else articulates their feelings to that person. They feel attacked because they feel responsible, and they feel resentful because they feel that the person expressing emotions is doing something they are not allowed (or able) to do. It makes sense why they feel attacked, but my emotions (and your emotions) are not attacking anyone. They are simply how we feel in the environment we’re facing; they say more about us than anyone else.

I’ve still not been with a partner who asks me questions when I have feelings. I have friends that will ask me questions when I bring up feelings, but never a male romantic partner. I’ve had a few dates dig deeper into things, and I usually start crying. Then, I don’t really want to go on another date because my shame makes me feel like I can’t – I cried on the first date, I clearly have problems. (Oh, hey! Look at that intrusive thought!) I have pain, I have trauma, and I am healing. (There’s the reframe!) That doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love.

Do you see the difference? The intrusive thought shuts me down, it makes me feel like I don’t deserve love because I’m broken. The reframe allows me to accept that I’m working through some stuff, but I still have value. I think I’m on a path to finding love without having to “deserve” it or “earn” it. I hope we all get there.

My story this week is about dogs, because if there’s anything in this world that gives us love without us “deserving” it, that’s dogs.

I’ve always been a cat person. It’s true. Dogs love me. Dogs don’t love everyone, but they give love freely. While it isn’t true of all, I’d say cats have avoidant-attachment and dogs have anxious-attachment. I think this is why, as someone more anxious-attached, I’m drawn to cats. I didn’t understand dogs in the same way that I used to not understand when people liked me. It used to make me uncomfortable when a dog was so happy to see me.

My first dog was my dad’s dog, and she was chill. She was happy just existing, and she wasn’t too playful or excitable. She was just happy. Those dogs are awesome. So, when my grandparents got springer spaniels… that was an experience. They were super playful and excitable, but they also got very anxious. My grandpa is “their person,” so every springer spaniel he’s ever owned gets incredibly anxious every time he leaves them. It doesn’t matter who else is in the house, they will be at the nearest window whimpering at his absence.

What is incredible is that my views of dogs changed as I worked on my attachment style. The more secure my attachments, the more I started to like dogs. If you could put the attention I gave dogs over time, you would see a steady upward trend corresponding with my mental health work.

If you can accept a dog’s love, you can accept the love of someone whose love doesn’t need to be “earned.” I hope you find it.

Always with Love, -S.