Month: April 2024

Manipulation

April 26th, 2024

This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Manipulation-e2knvdc

I’ve seen memes that describe manipulation as being what happens when words don’t align with actions. I’ve recently cut someone off for their manipulation, so I guess it’s time to write about this. As someone with anxious attachment, I think it’s easy for me to fall for manipulation. If someone says the right things, I want to believe them. Instead of getting mad when they didn’t follow through, I felt like I failed somehow and that’s why they didn’t follow through. Goodness… the codependence in that statement. It hurts.

I’ve seen lots of quotes and I know now that people’s actions show (more often than not) what they really feel. Words are deceptive, but actions hold weight. I’m often told that I’m direct, and I never realized that was remarkable. I value honesty and I appreciate directness from others, so I strive to give those things in my interactions. Words that don’t match actions seems rather dishonest to me. I know that in people pleasing, sometimes I feel that urge to say what people want to hear, but I learned that it’s more important to be honest. It gives me some perspective to relate, at least.

It means that people pleasing and manipulation are related, even if they aren’t exactly the same. I posted before that people pleasing is a trauma response. We do it because we learned that it helped us survive in situations that were unsafe, we aren’t doing it with an intention to hurt anyone. However, when our people pleasing takes over in other environments, it becomes manipulation and people can get hurt by our choices. This is why it’s so important to work on those habits, find out what we want and feel, and make active choices so our words and actions are in line.

I’ve been a people pleaser most of my life, but I often found myself following through on actions that I didn’t really want to do more often than misaligning my words and actions. So, in other words, it either costs us something, or it hurts them. I have been on the receiving end of this, and it’s really frustrating. I would say that after experiencing the receiving end: it isn’t worth it, folks. Don’t tell someone what you think they want to hear if you don’t mean it, and don’t commit to actions that take you outside yourself (or hurt you); it’s not worth it.

My story this week is about being on the receiving end of breadcrumbing.

I was talking with my therapist one day about a relationship/situationship that I’d been struggling to leave for months. I wanted to leave about 5 months into it, but I had chosen to hang in there for another 5 months at this point. I was exhausted, depleted, and getting a bit desperate for someone to show me real care. She pointed out that his actions were breadcrumbing. Her words that made all the glass shatter were “when someone gives you what you want, but only some of the time, it can become addictive.”

Breadcrumbing is used to describe the actions of someone who only gives you “just enough” to keep you engaged in a relationship with them. They show up, and suddenly fill your needs – just enough – to make you feel like staying with them. In this guy’s case, I was touch starved. The guy I liked ignored me rather suddenly, my hormones dropped into my monthly depression times, and I was in need of physical touch. He was suddenly available after I’d shut off physical contact with him for two months – we’d seen each other, but not seen each other.

That night was perfect. He listened, we talked, we hung out, and I got restful cuddles out of the whole interaction. I felt safe, I felt seen, I even felt loved. For a night… and only for a night. He went right back to the bare minimum the next day. Men in this area seem to be like that – ALL of them. The bare minimum. That one night messed up my next month. It wasn’t worth it. Someone who breadcrumbs you isn’t interested in you – they just like the feeling of someone liking them. They appreciate that you want to be with them, but that’s where it ends. It’s not going to turn into more.

I shut it down. I put up a wall. I said “no” more times than I’ve ever said it to anyone in my life. Slowly, the texts reduced. Eventually, he accepted his fate. I had to tell him dozens of times that I wasn’t going to be with anyone who wasn’t interested and willing to be in a whole relationship. Not just physical, but the investment of time and care, the emotional side – in a reliable way. I finally came around to believing that something better was out there for me and that I can find it.

You’re worth so much more than the minimum. Don’t settle for it.

Love, always, -S.
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I Choose Me

April 19th, 2024

This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/I-Choose-Me-e2knv5i

When I got married the second time, I chose the song “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles to walk down the aisle. Looking back, I chose the song because I was choosing to marry someone based on reasons that weren’t about me. I was choosing them because I thought they would give me the life I wanted; it was very superficial and unromantic. The entire relationship felt transactional; I had to deposit into the relationship to receive and if I didn’t have the credits I was left feeling wholly unsupported and/or loved. I was choosing them over myself. I didn’t know any better.

What I’ve learned in the past year or so is that I can choose myself, in fact, I have to. I have to feel happy and at peace in a relationship for it to be sustainable. I know what I’m looking for, but I don’t have that with anyone currently. I have to feel safe to be myself while with them; I have to feel like they love my weirdness. I spent the past decade squashing my weirdness for my partner because I didn’t feel embraced for who I am, I felt like they were trying to fix me the whole time we were living together. News flash: if you feel like your partner needs fixing, or you feel like your partner is trying to fix you – it’s not going to work! STOP IT! End it now, and find someone that doesn’t make you feel that way. You can’t fix each other.

That said, finding someone who helps me grow is important. Growth != fixing. Growth comes from my own goals, desires, and needs – not my partner’s. Growth happens when someone who embraces who you are now and also supports you to make changes you want. Growth happens when we are safe to make changes and take risks without judgement. If we try to grow “for” a partner, that’s going to create an imbalance, but if we grow for ourselves with the support of our partner – that’s real. There is a delicate layer in which that person is able to call you out, but that is only acceptable when they are safe also.

Safety must first be found in myself. I have to know that I’m okay, no matter what my partner says, does, or thinks. That’s the foundation for secure attachment, as far as I can tell. If we find security within ourselves, then we can find security in our attachments. However, that security within oneself is often the thing that is hardest to achieve (at least, for people like me.) I don’t think I felt safe in myself until after I treated my depression. I feel more secure now than I ever have, and it is in large part to TMS. I’ve done a lot of therapy to work on my framing and foundations, but TMS changed my life. I know myself and feel more secure in myself than ever before. Sometimes, there are things like that which hold us back. We have to face them to find our safety.

More than anything in this life, I want to feel loved. For me, I had to address some things to feel loved. I told both my husbands that I didn’t feel loved by them at some point in our relationships. I didn’t feel loved by anyone. That, I think, was a reflection of my feelings of worthlessness. I struggled to see why anyone would love me, so at the first sign of being unloved – I took it to show precisely what I expected – I was unlovable. I spent a lot of time deconstructing this, but the core of it was critically analyzing and facing the things that made me feel that way about myself. I had to reframe the negative thoughts, the intrusive thoughts. I had to challenge myself and see myself differently. Stop seeing some wretched, rejected thing that no one wanted and start seeing myself.

I’m going to close with respect. Respect is the biggest component that I have lacked in my relationships. There has always been something that caused me to lose their respect. I found it happen in other areas of my life, so I realized that it was something I was doing. I was projecting a lesser value to myself for the reasons above. I viewed myself so low that eventually others would treat me the way I viewed myself instead of based on their own objective assessment (or my inherent value.) I had to change my perspective. I had to realize my worth and hold that respect for myself first. I was setting the tone for my own unraveling… and I had to set a new one.

My story this week is about choosing myself – for my 30th birthday.

When I was turning 30, things were in a real weird place. I had separated from my first husband, moved to a new state, started a new job, started dating my second husband. Things were just – a mess. Luckily, I managed to use some flight miles to fly to San Francisco for my 30th birthday weekend. I stayed in a hostel on the coast, wrote my class notes in their lounge, walked around San Francisco by myself for hours. I walked several miles (which was apparent when the pencil was smeared on my notes from all the rubbing of walking around with them in my backpack.) I got to meet up with an old friend, stare into the water of the bay, and generally just ground myself.

That trip should have been the start of choosing myself more generally, but it took years for me to get there. That trip was the first real celebration of myself, for myself. My flight home stopped through LAX. People complain about LAX, but it worked for me. I rented a car for the day, drove out to the taping of The Late Late Show (this was near the end of Craig Ferguson’s run; I really loved him and the show at the time.) I did the things that I wanted to do, all on my own. For the first time in over a decade… because I always defaulted to what other people wanted to do. I was in a transition, and I was finally choosing myself. I wish it had lasted.

That was also the time when I went to the ballet by myself. I reveled in going to a restaurant by myself. I reveled in choosing my new dentist, doctor, etc. All the newness was an opportunity for me to find myself. But, I got into a relationship, in typical S fashion. Then I lost a lot of myself for a while, but I started reclaiming those things in the last few years. In 2021-22, I chose myself by going to concerts and other shows that I wanted to see – alone. In 2022-23 I chose myself by ending my second marriage and getting back into social dancing. On my 2023 birthday, I chose myself by throwing my birthday party, at my home. I hosted people at my house, all by myself, for the first time.

I found relief and joy in doing the things that I enjoy – all by myself. I really enjoy community, as most of us do. However, I enjoy all things more through knowing what I enjoy independent of others. The people-pleaser is strong, it takes a lot of work to stop, check in, and be true to myself. However, it’s SO worth it.

Whatever you do, I hope you can choose yourself in healthy ways that make you happier.

Love, -S.
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Deserving Love

April 12th, 2024

This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Deserving-Love-e2knujs

Real love is not about “deserving” it. One of the biggest holes I had to fill was the seeking of love that I deserved, externally. Depression was an amplifier of these feelings, this hole. I spent all my efforts seeking that love. I have done and created so much in my life – all in an effort to be worthy. I love to see the growing movement to teach us that we are inherently worthy. I wonder if such an effort would have made any difference in my search for love in this life. I don’t remember anyone telling me or teaching me that I was inherently worthy; that my thoughts and feelings mattered.

My feelings have often been seen as some sort of nuisance. This has been true in my family and in my romantic relationships. I am intuitively drawn to people that devalue my experience and judge my feelings. I realized that all my romantic relationships were with men who saw my feelings as an attack. The cause of this is twofold. 1) Men often feel responsible for women’s happiness (they aren’t actually responsible for this, it’s just a very common misconception and burden that men take on.) 2) Emotional intelligence and awareness requires one to notice their own emotions, and this is something that most men are not taught in our society (we’re starting to do better, though!)

We are never responsible for someone else’s happiness. I think the stereotypical, heteronormative relationship places men in a role where they feel overly responsible for everything that happens in their family. (This could be true of anyone in any relationship structure, but that’s the stereotypical heteronormative version.) When we take responsibility for things outside of our control, we set ourselves up for feelings of shame and/or pain. We cannot change what anyone else does; we cannot take responsibility for those actions. By doing so, the pressure on us to control others is intense. It’s a burden that no one should carry.

Emotional intelligence is the key to grounding ourselves and finding peace. If we can articulate our emotions and manage them in a healthy way, we can interact with people under any circumstances. My second husband couldn’t articulate his emotions. Like “most” men, he could articulate anger, but not much else. We used the feelings wheel in couples therapy, and in time he found ways to express more feelings. Articulating our feelings is just the foundation of emotional intelligence, there is so much more to gain from that articulation. I’m so happy to see parents today (and my child’s teachers) emphasizing the articulation of emotions, even in toddlers. My child can name their emotions; I’m not sure I could name my emotions when I was a child. It helps them recover.

When a person 1) feels responsible for another’s feelings and 2) cannot articulate their own feelings – it’s a perfect recipe for resentment when someone else articulates their feelings to that person. They feel attacked because they feel responsible, and they feel resentful because they feel that the person expressing emotions is doing something they are not allowed (or able) to do. It makes sense why they feel attacked, but my emotions (and your emotions) are not attacking anyone. They are simply how we feel in the environment we’re facing; they say more about us than anyone else.

I’ve still not been with a partner who asks me questions when I have feelings. I have friends that will ask me questions when I bring up feelings, but never a male romantic partner. I’ve had a few dates dig deeper into things, and I usually start crying. Then, I don’t really want to go on another date because my shame makes me feel like I can’t – I cried on the first date, I clearly have problems. (Oh, hey! Look at that intrusive thought!) I have pain, I have trauma, and I am healing. (There’s the reframe!) That doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love.

Do you see the difference? The intrusive thought shuts me down, it makes me feel like I don’t deserve love because I’m broken. The reframe allows me to accept that I’m working through some stuff, but I still have value. I think I’m on a path to finding love without having to “deserve” it or “earn” it. I hope we all get there.

My story this week is about dogs, because if there’s anything in this world that gives us love without us “deserving” it, that’s dogs.

I’ve always been a cat person. It’s true. Dogs love me. Dogs don’t love everyone, but they give love freely. While it isn’t true of all, I’d say cats have avoidant-attachment and dogs have anxious-attachment. I think this is why, as someone more anxious-attached, I’m drawn to cats. I didn’t understand dogs in the same way that I used to not understand when people liked me. It used to make me uncomfortable when a dog was so happy to see me.

My first dog was my dad’s dog, and she was chill. She was happy just existing, and she wasn’t too playful or excitable. She was just happy. Those dogs are awesome. So, when my grandparents got springer spaniels… that was an experience. They were super playful and excitable, but they also got very anxious. My grandpa is “their person,” so every springer spaniel he’s ever owned gets incredibly anxious every time he leaves them. It doesn’t matter who else is in the house, they will be at the nearest window whimpering at his absence.

What is incredible is that my views of dogs changed as I worked on my attachment style. The more secure my attachments, the more I started to like dogs. If you could put the attention I gave dogs over time, you would see a steady upward trend corresponding with my mental health work.

If you can accept a dog’s love, you can accept the love of someone whose love doesn’t need to be “earned.” I hope you find it.

Always with Love, -S.
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TMS

April 5th, 2024

This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/TMS-e2knu5o

TMS saved my brain. TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. I’ve told so many people about it because I feel like it saved me from my darkness. I feel more like a normal person than I ever knew was possible. It’s a treatment option for those of us that don’t respond well to medication for depression. Honestly, I didn’t share my story with people to advertise it, I told them my story because it made me feel better. I was stunned that everyone I told seemed interested in researching TMS for themselves or someone close to them. So, this post is about my experience, but also to help people be more aware of its existence.

I’ve had depression as long as I can remember. I first tried to treat it in undergrad because it was impacting my performance and enjoyment of life. I didn’t respond well. I responded so poorly to medication that I stopped every one I tried. The worst one was the last one I tried, in my last year of undergrad. It was addictive. So, if I forgot to take it, I felt like I had the flu and it ruined my whole day. Getting off it was horrible. I decided then that I never wanted to bother with antidepressants again. So, I just suffered for the next two decades.

It always came in waves. Like an uncontrollable tsunami that destroyed me at random. It got really bad after each of my divorces, but it got worse than I’ve ever experienced after the second one. I would be crying, staring at the wall, sometimes for hours at a time. I would be walking through my home and drop to the floor, curl up in a ball, and end up scream-crying. Sometimes tears would flow out of my eyes while driving my son home from school. No matter how hard I tried to hold on and protect him, I found myself crying around him, too. I needed to do something, but I wasn’t willing to seek out a psychiatrist or go on medication again.

One of my friends did TMS during the semester that I got divorced. She had a life-changing experience. So, when another friend encouraged me to seek out medication, I resisted, and they called me out (like good friends do). I thought of my friend that underwent TMS. I called her. I asked her questions and told her what was happening, and she supported me when I needed it most. I set up a consultation that week. I had travel plans, so I had to wait a few weeks, but we started the process to get the treatment approved to start as soon as I was back.

TMS involves a localized probe placed on the skull to activate the region of the brain that becomes hypoactive in people with depression. As the name says, it’s magnetic stimulation through the skull. It’s a localized magnetic field that induces an electric field through the brain in that region. It’s noninvasive and has a 70-80% success rate (70-80% of patients experience improvement in their depression symptoms). No treatment has 100% success, and there are people who do not improve at all, but I was one of the lucky ones. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders immediately. It was a bit disorienting.

The treatment itself reminded me of a woodpecker, tapping into the left side of my skull. Slightly painful, very annoying, but temporary. The results were worth it. Patients experience relief at different points in the treatment, my experience is rare. I felt lighter than I could remember after just one treatment. I felt dissociated, though. It was such a shock to my brain that I spaced out and felt disconnected from my body and my life. It took time, and I had to take a short break from treatment to get back on track. See, the treatment starts at a level consistent with your personal threshold and builds to the standard used in treatment for its effectiveness.

We ramped up to the full level quickly because I felt so much better that I ignored the warnings of my dissociation. I got in a car accident, and took a week off. I ignored my warning signs, and I kept pushing harder. TMS isn’t at fault here, I am. Another treatment (not for depression) was the true cause of my accident. We went a little slower, and I continued to stabilize. After treatment ended, I officially started to stabilize – and now I feel the most myself and the least depressed I’ve ever felt. It’s incredible. I recommend doing your research and getting a consultation if you’re interested. No matter what, it’s important to do the work to feel better.

My story this week is about peace.

Since receiving my TMS treatment, I have a new sense of peace. I don’t break down crying at random. I don’t stare at the wall. I haven’t collapsed on the floor. When I got in my car accident I was in shock, I was scared, and I was stressed. But, it didn’t make me feel depressed. I felt more objective and less overwhelmed. It was hard, but the dissociation and the lifted depression made me more able to focus and move forward. Despite the stress and chaos of the time, I felt at peace.

I’m not unshakeable. Things still affect me, but at my core: I’m good. I’ve never been good. It’s new. Finding peace and comfort within myself is the most incredible and enlightening part of this journey.

Treating my depression seemed like an insurmountable hurdle before TMS, but I don’t feel depressed anymore after TMS.

May you find your peace. Love, -S.
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Shells from a Beach

Stories of life, love, and learning

Month: April 2024

Manipulation

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I Choose Me

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Deserving Love

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TMS

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