This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Ease-e2imhqk

There’s a component to longterm relationships that is nearly intangible, but I like to think of it as “ease.” Have you ever met someone that you just could not stay mad at? Obviously, we get mad at people, but someone that you could forgive any flaw or fault? (Even though it may take some time…) Someone that you’re willing to work toward resolution with, no matter what? I have. For me, that’s someone who gives me “ease.”

There are intangible connections and similarities between people. some people we instantly connect with, while others we can spend great time trying but still fail. We can call it personality, or energy, or worldview… whatever it is, we share it with some people more than others. Those connections are the foundation of our social circles, and when we build a relationship that lasts for decades – the connection grows with time. There is no recipe for that kind of connection, it is, or it isn’t. It will never come through force, and in fact, force will likely create distance and break that connection.

Friendships don’t require a lot when they have a natural sense of ease. Some people we just fall in (friend) love with without ever trying. I spent so much of my childhood isolated that this category includes all my friends. My friends are my friends because we love each other. We see each other, how hard all of us are trying, and we celebrate each other’s victories. We hold space for each other and we forgive each other. This is even more important in romantic relationships.

I know that young S. followed the relationships that felt familiar and “safe,” but they were all unsafe. A safe relationship is one where we feel seen, heard, and supported. I feel incredibly grateful for my friendships because they make me feel seen, heard, and supported. I think those three pillars build safety in any relationship. Safety brings us ease.

Now, for a slight derail… there’s internal safety and external safety in relationships. Without the internal safety, we cannot feel true external safety. What I mean by that, is that we have to feel safe and secure in ourselves before we can engage with others and feel safe in a relationship with someone else. For me, that meant facing my anxious attachment issues. It means constantly checking in with how people are treating me in a relationship before I let the anxious inside me get attached to them. Hopefully, I get securely attached – but that anxious side is still healing, so realistically, I have to manage the anxious side in any relationship.

It’s almost like finding a secure attachment with myself. I reacted negatively to that kind of statement before I started healing my anxious attachment. I felt like there was no way that I could provide myself with the same soothing that a hug from someone else does. But, I can. I had to open myself to the possibility that I didn’t need someone else to provide that soothing. Once open to it, I then needed to learn the skills and tools available to me so I could self-soothe. Not everything works for everyone, but once we find the motivation to find that security in ourselves, it’ll change our lives.

Once we find that security in ourselves, we find space for ease with a partner. It’s a sufficient condition, but not a necessary one. People find security and ease with their partners without finding that security in themselves. However, if there’s anyone out there like me: looking to form secure connections after many insecure ones… My best advice to you is the advice I’m giving myself: find your security in yourself.

I find myself lying in bed alone without feeling lonely. I find myself more picky than ever about dating. I don’t mean that in the way of looking for perfection in my partner – I mean it as in the “Heck Yes, or No” attitude. I used to “hem and haw” about dating profiles; it caused me to match with too many people. I would then feel overwhelmed and shut down because I couldn’t choose who I wanted to talk to, meet, etc. That attitude won’t necessarily fix anything, but for me it helped me limit my contact with people I wasn’t going to date.

You, as you are, are enough. When you feel that in yourself, then you will open a door to secure attachment within yourself. Once you have that, you’ll connect with others who also have that secure attachment in themselves. Most of us don’t. Most people I meet aren’t there yet, but neither am I. The connections we form are always tied to our place with our self. I look back at all my relationships, and they’re formed on a foundation of our experiences, perspectives, and places. My second marriage was an example my therapist directly called out: when we met, we were in similar places with our selves, but when we divorced, we’d grown to completely conflicting places with our selves. That ease in a long term relationship grows together, not apart. I have people that I love with that kind of ease; I hope you find them, too.

My story this week is going to be about overcoming difficult things.

I love this story and its metaphor, but the metaphor is not my own. I’m a mathematician, so I was one of those kids that was “good” at math my whole life. In my high school, there was a teacher who gave the class a metaphor for difficulties in math. Personally, I think the metaphor is true for learning anything. He said, there are these walls in math. Some of them aren’t too high, you might be able to see over the top, but you can climb over them without too much work. If you’re lucky, you can just hop or walk over some of them. However, you will eventually hit a wall that feels insurmountable. You might run into it multiple times, you might make some progress and fall off the wall, but with enough work and assistance – you can get over that wall. Some of us are lucky, we don’t hit those walls until we’re way down the line, but others aren’t so lucky: they might hit their first big wall early in school.

I don’t remember his conclusion, but here’s mine: No matter when you hit that wall, it has a top. With enough tools and work, you can get over that wall. It’s up to you to put in the work and get the help you need. You can do it!

My first big math wall was Real Analysis. This will not be surprising to anyone who has taken Real Analysis… It’s the rigorous proofs course in a mathematics major. That class was the first time I ever failed a test; I was floored. I had never failed at something I thought I understood. But, I remembered my teacher’s metaphor. So, I lived in my professor’s office hours for a while, until I got back on track. I did extra work to ensure I understood, and I sought out help. Perseverance is the key, not simply being “good” at it. For me, that was the first time I had to use that lesson, but for most people it comes much sooner. Hugs.

The longer it takes to hit those walls, the more daunting they seem, but they’re still just walls. They have tops. You can climb over them.

I hope you climb some walls today, and connect with your people. Love, -S.