This is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/I-Can-Fix-it-e2eg6hq

There’s a part of me that always thinks I can fix things. Work harder, it’ll work out eventually. I have a really hard time giving up on anything, anyone. I think it’s beneficial in my teaching because I don’t give up on my students. However, in relationships it can be a downfall. Thinking that I can keep trying to fix a relationship doesn’t work. It takes both parties to fix a relationship. Nothing I do on my own will fix the relationship if it’s been damaged. The other party needs to be invested in the relationship to save it.

I don’t let things go. Relationships are beneficial when parties support each other; when each person has autonomy. So, the greatest frustration of my partners has been my inability to let things go. I “beat a dead horse” until I feel understood. I learned in couples therapy that this is largely because I wasn’t feeling understood by my partner’s responses. My friends are good at making me feel understood, but my partners haven’t been. I put more weight in my partners, so this is a layered problem. Not only was it more important to me for my partner to understand me, but I didn’t feel understood by them.

When I don’t feel understood, I push until I feel understood. By “push” I really mean “overexplain,” but my partners would often feel like I was pushing them. I wanted to feel heard and understood, but I came across as attempting to convince them. That’s precisely in line with “fixing” them. We cannot fix each other. We can only fix ourselves. So, when I appeared to be “fixing” them, that was a threat to their autonomy. Trying to “fix” partners results in repression of them and ultimately a toxic dynamic where we are the oppressors.

Healthy relationships are formed by accepting people for who they are. Not just partnerships, but also friendships and family relationships. If we try to change or “fix,” we’re projecting our own views onto another person. I think most of you can agree with me that pushing a child into a career they don’t choose is not going to benefit the child longterm. My uncle became a CPA because his wife wanted him to get a more stable job when they had kids. That resulted in all sorts of bad things between them, and especially for my uncle. Yes, he made more money. Yes, the job was more stable. No, life was not better for them. The best gift we can give someone is accepting them for who they are without any desire to change them. If they decide to make changes that we like, cheer them on. But, if they make choices we don’t like – we still cheer them on. Why? Because they get to make the choices, not us.

This week’s story is about me fixing things, not people.

I like fixing things, but I’m often too overwhelmed to take the time. It’s uplifting to take a thing that is broken and make it work again. I literally mean things, like my child’s books. They used to tear them up all the time. It was rough to be the parent of a book destroyer. I love books. We taped them back together, to make them readable again. I’m sad they were torn, but life happens in many forms. Sometimes, your book collection shows its use sooner than you expect.

My ridiculous story is about the headlights in my car. My left headlight went out. So, I went down to a parts store and bought a new headlight. The guys pulled the high beam when the low beam was out… so I bought the wrong bulb and the indicator said the light was still out. *facepalm* I go to a different parts store and pull the low beam out myself to make sure it’s right. Cool. Got the right bulb, installed it. Didn’t work. The indicator light was still on. *facepalm*

I’d replaced it, so I was sort of in denial that the left low beam was still out… but it was out. I drove halfway across the country to visit family with one low beam working. This probably would have been fine, but the right low beam went out on the drive home. Folks, I am ashamed of the choice I made, but I really needed to get home. I had to drive in the dark with my high beams on, only. I was the jerk with high beams on all the way home. I made it home, though.

I went to a parts store as soon as I could, which was three days later. I replaced both low beam headlights, but the left still would not work! The bulb kept falling out of the insert when I would place it inside the fixture. So, as I write this, my left low beam is still not functioning. I need to replace the insert, I think. If I had more time, I could probably figure this out, but the bulb fell out over half a dozen times before I packed it up and decided to deal with it later. Sometimes, even my car doesn’t want to get fixed.

I hope that you can support those you love today, and know when to leave them to fix themselves.

You’re doing great! Love, -S.