This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Fixing-the-Sink-e2eg50r

This post is about the different levels of stress in our lives. I was talking with a friend and exclaimed “they finally fixed my sink!” The friend had not heard the story about the sink, because the sink was far from my biggest problem. It took over three months for my maintenance person to locate the leak under my sink, so I was frustrated. However, in the grand scheme of things, it was just a sink. I could turn off the water supply to my sink, and avoid the leak. Problems like my sink are easy to work around, emotionally wrought problems are not. What problems cause you the most stress?

I’m a stress machine. I carry so much stress that I barely register each piece of it. I am good at compartmentalization. I can be overwhelmingly wrought with emotion in one minute and then refocus and appear fine in another minute. I used to cry while I was offstage during rehearsals in high school, only to wipe off the tears and strut onto the stage to play my role. Perhaps it’s the theatre that taught me how to compartmentalize. It was necessary. I could cry after my part was done, but while I was up – nothing else could matter.

I carry stress from people-pleasing, high-achieving, overworking, and caring about everything. I know it’s impossible to do it all, but I try. I try harder to do and be more because this life is only once. I don’t hold back, most of the time. I say how I feel, I love without reservations, and I strive for every possible goal I want to reach. I am unstoppable. Or, so I think (sometimes.) I’ve had the moments that knocked me down. I dropped my first class in undergrad due to a minor surgery that put me out for a few weeks – I couldn’t make up 21 credit hours of work after a few weeks of being out. Who could? Maybe none of us could. I tried, but I took a medical withdrawal, and I cried a lot. I could have done it, but I needed grace in that moment.

It’s a helpful perspective as a professor, knowing how hard it was for me to drop a class when I was in their shoes. Life happens. Sometimes our plans get derailed. I finished that course the next time it was offered, and I did much better than I could have if I’d tried to do it coming from behind. As an advisor, I am grateful for the experiences that helped me choose to give myself space rather than additional stress. I do my best to help my students make those choices wisely for themselves because these days, it seems all the more important for them to give themselves grace. We’re all still suffering burnout from COVID-19 chaos. I’ve never seen my students seem so lost.

I find that stress of doing things is far easier for me to manage than the stress of hurting, losing, or upsetting people. When interpersonal relationships are at risk, lost, or damaged, I’m a mess. I love people and I find the most meaning in my connections with them. I have a lot of friends that I love, and I hope to keep them all in my life. I don’t like losing people. I care far more about my students and their welfare than I do their grades. If interpreted incorrectly, you might think I don’t care about their success – when, in fact, I care deeply about their success. So much so that they are like my children. It makes my teaching incredibly fulfilling, but also devastating when it goes off.

People hold more value than things ever will. I don’t care about brand names, what job a person holds, or what car they drive (or if they have one.) A person’s quality is based on their person. Where is their heart? What gives them fulfillment? What goals and dreams are they reaching for? Are they kind? I accepted this year that I have an instant love for people who are kind, in their hearts. I see the kindness in them, and I instantly love them. I collect a lot of things, but I find meaning in my connections with people. I could live as a nomad with no things if I could just spend time with good people.

My story this week is about a man I met while traveling with my son.

I connect with people easily. I meet folks in random places and we just… connect in conversation. I don’t intentionally have conversations on planes, but my neighbors often end up talking with me. If I’m still long enough, it always seems like someone wants to talk with me. I always find meaning in these conversations. I rarely have frivolous or fruitless conversations with strangers – there’s always some value in the interaction. (If you’re not like me, I recommend looking for value when you end up talking to a stranger.)

One of the recent conversations I had with a stranger was while traveling with my son through Utah. We stayed in a hotel, and were eating breakfast in the dining area that morning before getting on the road home. I know why others didn’t talk to this man. His hair was messy, he was missing teeth, he was wearing bright leggings and beat up tennis shoes. He had the appearance of someone often outcast by “normals.” But, you know what? He was kind. He had a genuine smile and a light heart. He sat at the table next to me and my son, and we chatted about life stuff. He acknowledged that no one else would talk to him. I felt the sadness. He was working in town, traveling job to do with building. One of those people where you know they’re the only ones still doing “that” job. So, he travels the country to evaluate the building site and do his job. It’s lonely.

You know what, though? He made me laugh. He made me smile. He felt joy by having someone to talk to. He felt joy in talking to my son. His joy flowed into us. He was respectful and kind. While everyone else in that dining room kept their eyes on their food and didn’t want to engage with any strangers – he did. I’m very introverted. I can pretend to be an extrovert, but I’m not one. I am kind. I am open. I love connecting with people. I think that’s worthwhile, and I think others see that in me.

May your stresses be balanced with things that give you meaning. May you optimize your stressors so that you keep the things most important to you.

Love, peace, and hugs, -S.