This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Endings-e2djt4d

Endings aren’t always bad. I had to learn this truth. It has taken most of my life to realize this is true. Endings don’t have to be bad. Some things truly run their course. Every theatre show I’ve ever been a part of ran its course. Part of the beauty in theatre is that it is temporary. We create a new world on the stage, for a short time. As an actor I played a new role, but only for a short time. I embodied a new character and story each time. As a techie, I helped build the new world, then tear it down. As a choreographer, I created something connected to music that would be performed and then soon forgotten. Performing arts taught me how to let things end.

I moved a lot as a kid. I’ve mentioned this before, but that also taught me a lot about endings. I lost all my friends that came before high school, but one. One from Junior High is a friend on social media. All my friends from elementary school are lost to time. I never saw them again. I grew up in a time before the internet. I had pen pals. I used to spend long hours on the phone with friends when there was only one landline to use. Friendships were different then. Perhaps that’s why my friendships today are easier to pick up without regular contact? That might also be the ADHD.

I gained and lost friends throughout my childhood. High school was the first time I had lasting friendships for multiple years. Perhaps that is why I hang onto my adult friends? I count all my friends, regardless of contact frequency. I have friends that I met up with 7-10 years between visits, but I still have great love for them. We don’t really keep up between, but when we do reach out – we can catch up. I lost most of my childhood friends, so I hold onto every one I can today. Those endings are too hard to face.

I’ve learned that relationships can run a course, though. As I write this, I have a few relationships (all involved are informed and on board), but I don’t look at any one of them as my “one and only.” I know the ones that will run a course. I finally found a way to view a romantic relationship as it is without seeking forever. It’s taken a long time and two divorces, but I think I can finally be in a relationship without forcing forever into it. I decided to live my life, and complete my goals without needing anyone else on board. I can love those I choose and let them go when the course ends. I’m grateful, I feel like I finally “made it.” I’ve been trying to get here my whole life.

As I stare down the end of 2023, I’m grateful for my growth. I’m grateful for the changes I’ve made in my life. I’m grateful that I embraced myself, finally. I stopped forcing puzzle pieces and filled my own puzzle with the pieces I needed instead of asking for pieces of others to make the appearance of a complete puzzle. This was a year for me. I hope it was good to you.

My story this week is about me.

I was bullied a lot in school. I was the new kid, so that’s how it goes. I was always bright; I always stood out. One nickname lived with me since first grade: Barbie. I never shook it, partially because my mom held onto it. How did I get that nickname in first grade? Ah. I walked around on my tiptoes, all the time. I can’t explain my reasons. Perhaps it was because of Barbie’s toes? Or, because I loved Jessica Rabbit and high heels? Maybe I just liked how it felt? Or, I wanted to feel taller? I’d have to go back in time to answer that.

I was more resilient then. I wasn’t ashamed of walking on my toes, I embraced it. I was annoyed at the nickname, but it was a lot better than the other names elementary school gave me. I think all that time walking on my toes gave my legs strength I couldn’t have anticipated. When I finally started ballet, I got to go en pointe quickly because my toes were already strong; I could go en pointe at the barre without pointe shoes. (FTR: do not try that, it’s not good for your feet.) My ankles and toes were built for pointe, and I loved it. When I start to lose sight of myself, I like to remember that little girl: walking around on her toes and caring not for the teasing of childhood. She was effortlessly herself. I want to be her again.

May the end of this year help you gain perspective on yourself.

Love and Happy New Year, -S.