This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Kindness-e2djs59

People tell me I’m kind, but this post is about the other side of that coin. My biggest weakness is kindness in others. When I meet people who are kind, I fall in love with them. Not necessarily Eros’ romantic love, but universal love and/or friend love. A nice person with a kind heart is something I always wanted in a partner. Unfortunately, for various reasons, that’s not where my love life went. However, I have a lot of kind friends, and I love them.

I’m forward. If I like someone, I’m going to make it known. Perhaps I’m impatient, but I always flirt – with increasing intensity – until the person is aware of my interest. Or, I just ask them out… or kiss them. I’m not subtle. I’m a “bull in a china shop” in many ways, but especially with my affections. So, when a kind, beautiful soul crosses my path – they will know how much I like them very quickly. Unfortunately, this scares off every single nice and kind individual I’ve come across. I am promptly walled off from any interest by them and I think it must be because I’m intimidating.

Actually, I’ve been told I’m intimidating, several times. Yes, some of those times were from people that I pursued after I got a clear “no” from them and we became friends. In my experience, there’s no going back from an intimidating start; none of those kind people wanted to be in a relationship with me. It feels a bit like a curse, honestly. So, I suppose I have to trust in that saying: I will be too much for some people, but for the right people – I can’t be too much. Sigh.

I’ve been told I’m intimidating in other situations as well. My teaching… when I asked the lead instructor why he thought I was intimidating (as a small graduate student), his response was “you’re like their mom… they don’t want to disappoint you.” So, I suppose that aspect of my person is not a terrible way to be intimidating. It also explained why some of my students immediately hated me (I mean, it’s par for the course when it comes to teaching, but it’s nice to have an explanation for why people hated me.) It also explains why I get a cult-like following of students. “Hi, I’m Dr. S. I’ll be your Math mom for the semester.” I’ve considered that greeting, but never used it. Too much? Hahahaha.

All of the ways that I am “intimidating” come down to a few aspects of my person. 1) I’m intense; I’m very serious, driven, open, and energetic. 2) I see people, and that builds a sense of connection or rapport that we naturally respond to. That scares people because some people don’t find that kind of connection often. 3) I’m observant. I notice details quickly and I remember them. I learn student names quickly, generally within the first week of classes. It can actually be creepy to realize that your teacher notices things you didn’t think they would. All these things can build better connections with my students, but they can also create a sense of intimidation because they might also be put “on edge” by these characteristics.

This is why my kindness is so important. Kindness softens the intensity, it shows them that I’m safe – I’m not using any of my characteristics to harm them. My goals are to help them. I’ve never been vindictive and I can’t imagine being spiteful with my students. I’m always looking for ways to reach them and support them, not ways to put them down. I teach math, that’s difficult enough for most of them. The math pushes them down occasionally, and I have to be the one to help pick them up (though, they need to pick themselves up, I’m just a helper.) That’s my job.

I think kindness is important everywhere. It’s probably clear from my other writings, but I just want to reiterate: when someone takes advantage of kindness, that’s on them. It’s not a reason to stop being kind. Hardening our hearts to the world doesn’t make it better, and it darkens our world – it doesn’t make us better. The challenges we face when our kindness causes us pain are not our failures, they’re a chance to grow and love deeper. People are more kind when we are kind to them. Kindness begets more kindness, and I think it’s worth the effort.

My story this week is about a kindness someone gave me – there are too many to remember, so I expect there will be more to share in later posts.

I love my family, but I don’t have a lot of family. When holidays come around, there are only a few places I visit (which, I suppose, I’m grateful for.) When I moved for my job, I moved too far from my family to visit easily. When I was in graduate school I was very lucky and grateful to be within a day’s drive of most of my family. I could see family at the drop of a hat. It was great. When I moved for my job, I found myself two days’ drive (minimum) from any of my family. So, holidays suddenly became an investment.

I didn’t realize how important that distance was for me until I moved out here. It’s rather depressing to realize that it takes chunks of time and investment to see family when it’s not what you’re used to. It’s a weight that distances me from my family; I don’t call as much as I used to, either. I don’t like it, honestly. There’s a part of me that wished I could just transplant my job and friends to be closer to my family. They aren’t perfect, but they’re home.

Thanksgiving last year was a bust. It wasn’t affordable or feasible to travel to see my family. I had a lovely neighbor that invited me to her family Thanksgiving so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I was so grateful. Then, to top it off, my child got RSV. So, I got sick, and I spent Thanksgiving alone. My neighbor’s invitation was a huge kindness, even though I couldn’t go. She brought me leftovers, which was also incredibly kind. I got to have a mini-family Thanksgiving through my neighbor. Those kindnesses, and those people are so meaningful in this life. Sometimes I’m the one being kind, but I don’t remember those stories the way I remember the kindnesses given to me.

Be kind. We need more kindness in this world, and it starts with us.

With love, and kindness. -S.