This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Spirituality-and-Religion-e2b6ni3

I referred to dance class as my church in my last post, so it seems like a good time to wander into some talk about spirituality and religion. I mentioned that I was raised secular in earlier posts. For me, this gave me a rather objective view of religion (I had no personal beliefs about what was right and wrong in terms of religion.) Nothing was taught to me as “right” or “wrong” and I was encouraged to find my own spirituality and belief structure. Thus, my choices were intentionally subjective. My Christian friends always tried to save me, but I never felt like I needed saving. I built my values, ethics, and beliefs on being a good human in this life. The idea that I needed saving was rather grating.

I respect whatever you choose as your spiritual and religious beliefs. Yours are not mine. I don’t ever want to hear that mine are wrong, though. I’m not going to say you’re wrong, even if I don’t agree with you. So, please offer me the same respect. I spent my life building, cultivating, and refining my beliefs. My beliefs change based on things that I learn and experience; nothing is fixed. As a scientist, this is fitting for me, but it doesn’t make my beliefs any less strong or secure. If anything, my willingness to change means that I am choosing my beliefs and not defined by them. I think this is important.

I asked my dad one day “what is church?” That led to a handful of random church experiences, none of which I found particularly enjoyable. The only church I felt any connection to was Seventh Day Adventist, but honestly, it was awkward. I ultimately decided that church was not for me. My grandparents were Christian, so I went to church with them a couple times, but I always felt out of place. I felt a lot better in nature.

In junior high I learned about Wicca, and the whole angsty-teenager phase fit well with Wicca. I found my connection to nature in that time. That was when I realized that I felt a connection with the trees, clouds, and water. I’d always felt a connection with the ocean and the wind. The ocean felt like a home, a mother to me. I used to feel like the wind was caressing me, playing with my hair. I felt it and I felt connected to it. The wind felt like an older sibling. When I found a connection to trees, I felt it swell in my chest. My relationships with water and air were more like they cared for me, but the trees were something I had to care for and honor. Earth is grounding (quite literally, hahaha!) Fire was to be feared; I feel a connection to fire, but it’s more of a code of respect. Fire and water are both capable of great devastation.

I still have deep feelings of connection to nature. It’s not Wicca anymore, though. It’s just me. My friends in college told me I was basically a druid, and honestly, they’re right. I do a lot of things that a druid would never do, though. I wear clothing made of synthetic materials, I am typing on a laptop right now, and I drive a car. So, not actually a druid, but my spirituality is in line with them. I believe that if there is a god, they are the universe. I don’t believe in a god of the traditional Christian archetype, and I won’t. Any single god couldn’t hold a gender, in my mind. Greek gods and goddesses, sure – they are many. But one? No. A patriarchal god is merely an extension of our societal structure at the time of their definition. Again, my belief.

It’s hard to be a woman and look at the beliefs of most Christian religions; either it’s painful and feels unfair, or it feeds into our own deep-seated insecurities. Regardless, the beliefs and structure lend us to feel less-than, or repressed. The more repressed we are, the more inclined we are to break out of the box we’ve been repressed into. I see people act out under these conditions. It seems, to me, that it would be so much easier to spend that energy figuring out who we are and then being true to that. Less destructive, more enlivening.

That’s the reason I keep my mind and heart open. People like and want so many different things, and I want to respect and honor people for exactly who they are. I cannot imagine a “better” way. For me, that is the greatest honor of our humanity to each other: seeing and embracing each other as we are. No forcing our beliefs, or ways of life. I truly feel that most of the negative and destructive actions of this world would be curbed by that kind of respect and acceptance. Whenever something becomes taboo, it drives us to a sense of madness. Some people say that if Hitler had gone to art school, as he wanted, the Holocaust wouldn’t have happened. We’ll never know. But, we do know that repression leads us to destructive acts.

I will give you a personal example. I’m a colorful person; I wear yellow pants, pink pants, crazy orange zigzag pants, etc. I love to be bright and weird. When I started graduate school I felt like I had to tone it down. No one told me to tone it down, but I thought that I would have to in order to be seen as “professional,” so I did. I got a wardrobe of jeans and black geeky t-shirts. I wore almost exclusively blue and black, with the only exception being my cat socks. I got extremely depressed because I was repressing myself. I had a picture of who I was “supposed to be,” but that wasn’t me. It got bad, really bad. As soon as I lifted that weight of who I was “supposed to be” and just became real me – I was so much better. Look out for the ways you are letting external forces infringe on who you are. If you know who you are and what you believe, you can fly (metaphorically…)

This one time, at Seventh Day Adventist Camp… That’s my story this week. The views of an outsider, considering a religion in a week long summer camp.

I did my church tours with my dad when I was about 11. He took me to a handful of them for various reasons. Seventh Day Adventist was the most fitting because I was a vegetarian. Right… I decided to be a vegetarian at age 6. Yes, 6. I didn’t like meat. I didn’t eat meat again until I was 16; today I can take or leave it. Odd S facts. The Sabbath is on Saturday instead of Sunday, which was not particularly important to me. The people were nice, I was a vegetarian… it was the best fit of the churches we visited.

So, I went to their summer camp. A full week of churchgoers together in tents. We played games, rode horseback, lit a fire each night, etc. We had classes to choose from, there was a lot of fun to be had. It was the first time I met someone with the same birthday as me, there was a sort of magic to it. The real magic was surviving a week with teenagers who weren’t allowed to bathe all week… until the Sabbath. I grew up camping, so going without a shower was not new – but a whole week?! I didn’t like showering at that age, but I desperately wanted a shower 3 days in. Between the lack of showers and getting knocked off my horse one day – I didn’t want to go back. After that camp, I wasn’t as worried about religion or church.

I think it’s important to open ourselves to things outside our experience and I’m grateful that my dad took me on those adventures. I wouldn’t know where I fit in my beliefs without an opportunity to try out options. I think that’s why I feel it’s so important to refrain from judgement and simply respect that everyone has their path, their story, their beliefs. It’s not my job to say what’s right, just to figure out what’s right for me.

May you find your path.

Love and Respect, -S.