This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Conflict-e2aovj1

This post builds on the last two, but takes conflict in a more general light. I’ve seen memes that say all conflict is built on unmet needs. Couples therapy taught me a lot about conflict. I was conflict-avoidant. Conflict caused me intense stress. Couples therapy gave me new light into managing conflict and the emotions that come with it. The key has truly been introspection. If I understand the needs underlying the conflict, the conflict is easier to resolve. Sometimes, that means letting go of the relationship, but most of the time it means finding common ground.

The models of conflict in my childhood taught me that conflict was bad. Conflict was to be avoided, at all costs. Someone angry with me, or raising their voice, would cause me to shut down. The child inside me still crumples when I sense anger or someone raises their voice at me. My adult is much more resilient, but has a tendency to raise their voice louder. Luckily, now I’m a parent. So, thanks to couples counseling and reading about nonviolent communication, I can take a step back and look for the underlying need. I am getting better all the time at checking my emotional responses and analyzing the situation for underlying needs (both sides.)

My second husband said something about me and conflict that made me feel seen. He said “In your world, when there’s conflict – somebody leaves.” I don’t know if it’s because I’m a child of divorce that saw my parents fight endlessly, or if it’s the RSD, or more than those. I do know that I always saw conflict as an end. I didn’t know how to resolve it, so the only option was to give up. I couldn’t hear the other person’s need because I was beating myself up too much to listen. I couldn’t even hear my need in the situation because all I could hear was that I was broken. In my world, if someone was mad at me, it meant I was broken and my only option was to leave. Intrusive thoughts took over, and I’d shut down.

Healthy conflict requires self awareness as well as self confidence. I was lacking in the latter significantly. That lack of self confidence caused a projection of my self worth through the eyes of my partner/friend/colleague, and any conflict with them meant I was unworthy. It’s another extension of the people pleasing that is really detrimental to personal interactions. As a people pleaser, conflict meant I failed at my “job.” If someone was unhappy with me, in any way, I wasn’t pleasing them. It wasn’t until I worked in therapy on myself, my self confidence, that I started to find ways to accept these “failures” as a natural part of human interactions. When we spend a lot of time with people, we’ll naturally find places of conflict. How we manage those places is what defines how the relationship progresses. Now, I have better conflict and better relationships than ever.

Words to myself that might also help you: Conflict is not a failure in you. When someone disagrees with you, it doesn’t mean they reject you. You are not meant for everyone; no one is, and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you when someone doesn’t accept who you are. It’s more important to be true to yourself than to be conflict-free outside yourself. When you lose aspects of yourself to avoid conflict outside yourself, you will suffer for it. Find your strength and happiness; if you’re true to yourself then any conflict will lead you closer to yourself and make you stronger.

My story this week is about how terrible I am as a roommate (hahaha!) Actually, it’s about conflict resolutions with my best friend.

My best friend was the best example of healthy conflict for me. We lived together in undergrad, and I know I got on his nerves – but he managed conflict well and I never felt threatened. He learned how to manage his anger in childhood. I don’t know all the details, but I do know that he knew (consciously or not) the key of underlying needs. Any time he started to get upset, he would suggest a fix or express his need. He had practiced conflict resolution since childhood, and it showed. I felt safe in our conflicts, and for me that’s HUGE.

I have trauma about dishes… it’s going to sound dumb to some of you, and there will be just as many of you that “get it.” I get emotionally triggered by dishes. So, when we had our first few disagreements over dishes – he got to my underlying need and found a solution. I think it was roughly that he would wash things and I would put them away. (I had issues washing other people’s dishes and he didn’t like it when I complained about dirty dishes in the cabinet.) I don’t think he was particularly happy about the solution, but he found it acceptable and manageable. I don’t think we ever argued about dishes after that, and if we did – it wasn’t a big deal. My trauma over dishes is a lot better today because I’ve grown and made progress with it, but he gave me a safe space for my trauma and found a solution that was workable for both of us.

I didn’t have a lot of friends that could call me out on things. I do now, but my best friend was one of the first. My RSD was so strong that any criticism would crush me in undergrad. Not from my best friend though. He could walk up to me and say “you look like shit,” but I would just cock my head at him and say “thanks?” We need those people in our lives. The ones we trust with ourselves that can call us out when we do something that doesn’t serve us. He’s my best friend because he feels safe. I can trust his opinions and I can trust him with my real self. I can also trust him to catch me when I jump on him or climb him like a mountain. He’s a good friend.

When conflict is escalating, what we really need to do is dig deeper into introspection instead of climbing higher.

Peace, Love, and all that. -S.