This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Empath-Time-e28hbdp

Might as well finish the trifecta. From ADHD to ASD to empathy. Being an empath is a lot like being an emotional chameleon. Everywhere I went, everyone I met, I matched them just as a chameleon matches its surroundings to blend in. I matched the emotions, though. I felt the sadness, the anger, the joy. It’s a huge contributor to my lack of awareness in myself. As my emotions flowed based on my surroundings, I never learned how to manage my own emotions. I lost touch with my feelings around other people. I embraced their feelings and needs; they were so much more stable than my own feelings and needs.

My emotions became tsunamis instead of thunderstorms. What I mean by that is that “normal” emotions might cause a little damage (lightening), but they mostly just force some internal reflection and waiting out the storm. My emotions would hit me suddenly, with minimal warning, and leave destruction in their wake. I didn’t learn how to manage them so I let them dictate the experience. This is how I arrived at identifying as a highly sensitive intuitive empath. My empathy masked my ASD because I didn’t have to read emotions, I felt them.

My therapist thought I couldn’t possibly be ASD because I’m so highly sensitive. ASD is a spectrum, not a box. We can exhibit it in specific areas, and seem completely neurotypical in others. My empathy afforded me a knowledge and ability in emotions that is characteristically lacking in ASD individuals. I hope it’s clear that I overthink, overanalyze, and generally stress about social interactions. This is a combined effort by the trifecta.

My empathy is my favorite trait. Honestly. To me, it’s the foundation of connection with other people, and I find those connections to be the most important measure of our existence. The connections to others that we make in this life seem, to me, the foundation of our lives. What is this life if we connect with no one? Babies die without love, without connection. Humans need connection with each other. Feeling others’ emotions genuinely feels like a superpower that I hope to experience for the rest of my life. I feel more connected to people because I feel what they’re feeling.

Cultivating empathy is a huge teaching of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. This empathy, this connection to others, is a foundation of his teachings that he refers back to regularly. I agree with him that these connections are a key component for happiness in this life. We miss community. Our current society keeps us separate, relying on fewer people to do more work. We seek that community in our churches, hobbies, and interests. We seek it online when we fail to find it in person. These connections keep us together, they give us that community in new ways.

The strongest connections, in my experience, are founded on empathy. Empathy helps us see others, and then we feel more seen in return. My empathy and connections are the reason I encourage empathy and connections with everyone. Not just the people we like, not just those in our religion, or those who share our hobbies or interests. Everyone. Show grace in the face of differences and embrace the humanity – the shared existence and struggles. We’re all struggling, we’re all still learning how to be human.

My story this week is, you guessed it, about empathy.

I ride the bus a lot. I detest living in/near a city, but such is life. I can at least choose not to drive in the city, whenever possible. There are a lot of homeless people in cities. They are unavoidable. Dense population, plus increased resources for them in cities (over rural areas); it’s the only place they can stay. I won’t dive too deeply on my views of homeless, but I will say that I feel for them. I see them and I feel the joint pain of laying on concrete to sleep. I feel the discomfort that a lack of access to bathing brings – like when I go on long camping trips. I feel the loneliness and abandonment by their families, friends, and society at-large. I feel the emptiness of existence that comes from that experience, and the pain inside that makes them want to scream, cry, and/or become violent.

Walking through the city, most homeless people will avoid me. Even when I’m carrying my overburdened backpack, they know I’m not one of them. Sometimes I’ll get acknowledgement from someone, and I will always respond in kind. I think it’s important for them to be seen, too. One day, I was waiting for my bus on a city street and a homeless man was curled up sitting alongside us while we waited in line for the bus. I was standing right in front of him, I had my phone out, but I was overwhelmed by his feelings. I kept looking at him. His head was down, arms were crossed, but after half a dozen looks – he looked up at me. I said “hi,” but he didn’t respond verbally. He looked down for a second, then back up into my eyes – screaming his pain through his eyes. I held his gaze as long as he wanted. His eyes slowly softened, so did the grimace on his face. I have no idea how long it was, but when he was done staring into my eyes, he looked down, got up, and then walked away without a word, but lighter than before. Sometimes, all we need is to be felt. To be seen.

As you go through your days, observe your time seeing people. Do it intentionally. What do you notice about your interactions?

I feel you. I feel everyone. It’s too much, but it’s worth it. Love, -S.