This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/ADHD-Time-e287pni

This is a post about how my ADHD presents and how I manage it. I didn’t realize I had ADHD until March of 2022. One of those posts that someone shared on social media just made it abundantly clear… I have ADHD. “That’s why I connect so well with my ADHD students!” First thought when it hit me. I actually also connect well with my ASD students for the same reason. I have enough characteristics of both that I’m able to combine my experience with my empathy and make connections with other neurodivergent folks. I think it’s a teaching superpower, but my neurotypical students are a bit frustrated by me.

I will use the blog post by Little Miss Lionheart (linked above, and again here) to organize my post here. Has a constant state of overwhelm trying to manage the details of everyday life. I’m always running at 11. What I mean by that is that I am constantly tracking, what feels like, 18 million things. It’s why I know where your keys are when you go to look for them. Or where you left your socks. Every freaking thing is somehow tracked and stored in my overburdened processors to the point that I feel like I can’t keep track of anything.

Likely to zone out, even in the middle of an important conversation. My processors are so overloaded that sometimes it takes extra time to track human speech, whether it’s coming out of your mouth, my mouth, or a complete stranger’s. I catch myself zoning out in conversations a lot. I feel like the spinning ball of death on Macintosh computers. I freeze and space out while my RAM is trying to compensate for all the tabs I have open. Seriously. It’s annoying. I treat computers the same way I treat my brain… too many tabs open and not enough proper shut down cycles.

Trying to manage my thoughts is like playing wack-a-mole. Having a conversation with me for any extended period of time practically requires having ADHD, too. Why? Because no one else can track the leaps and bounds of conversation like another person with ADHD. We have so much fun together, bouncing around through conversation topics until we’re lost in a wonderland of commonality. It’s a beautiful thing, but someone who doesn’t have this experience is going to quickly give me a look like I just ate a scarf in front of them. Trust me, I’ve seen it.

Either forgets important things or worries that I’m forgetting them. Hahahaha! Yes, if I can’t physically keep track of it by placing it somewhere I will see it… I’m probably going to forget the important thing. In the mean time, I’m still going to keep worrying that I’m going to forget the important thing, so I’m going to keep that tab open until the spinning ball of death causes me to make a hard restart and hope for the best. That tab might reopen after the restart, or all my tabs could be lost, I only find out on the other side.

Somehow, somewhere I am really messy. I mean… yeah. I’m a clutter fairy. I’ve talked about this, so we’ll move on to hyperfocus. I hyperfocus like a stereotype; I was at the tire shop the day I wrote this and I missed them call my name because I brought work with me and ended up in hyperfocus. I cannot be interrupted from hyperfocus; if you try – good luck with my apparent attitude when you do. I’ve had people talk to me while in hyperfocus and had absolutely no recollection of them being present, let alone talking to me. I do not have the typical procrastination, but I suspect that’s part of the ASD combined with anxiety that causes me to do things early by default. If I’m doing something the night before, it’s because I’ve been so absurdly busy and overwhelmed that I couldn’t squeeze it in sooner. I usually have everything drafted in advance and only make a final pass the night before unless something extreme happens. It’s probably my most-type-A personality trait. I’m legitimately Type-A by default; I lost most of the competitiveness, aggression, and hostility with age. Now, I’m very much a mix of types. My ADHD does cause exhaustion, constant anxiety, and overwhelm. I feel it all, all the time – just as her blog says.

I’m an overachieving, perfectionist, people-pleaser. I get super excited about things and I try to incorporate multiple perspectives and applications when I’m explaining things. I love infodumping, on both sides. I love to learn and I love to teach. I annoy a lot of people because I burst with things to say in conversations. It’s incredibly difficult for me to not speak when I have thoughts. I lose anything I try to hold onto to be polite in conversation (to not speak over people.) I also have a very limited filter from my brain to mouth, what you hear is sometimes unprocessed raw thoughts. I think this is a contributing factor for why my thoughts can disappear if they aren’t spoken immediately.

I love these, I do all of them. I love a lot of people who do them, too.

My story this week is, naturally, about a time that was fueled by ADHD.

My brain goes to 11. What that means, for me, is that sometimes it is like an overboiling pot of water, but with thoughts. When I feel like I’m vibrating with thoughts, I cannot focus as-is. It’s kind of like 5000 pogo-sticks bouncing off my neurons making it impossible to hold a single thought. In high school, I developed my coping mechanism for this. I’ve shared it with a few others that have ADHD because it truly helped me.

See, I grew up in a rather chaotic environment, but I was somehow able to focus in that environment. I was a straight-A student, probably thanks to hyperfocus plus perfectionism. To this day, I get my best work done in waiting rooms or while traveling. I love a good plane ride, airport, bustling coffee shop, etc. for work. Yes, I’m weird. I love that about myself. I confuse people, it’s great. So, to emulate the chaos, I developed an auditory stimulus from my stereo and Discman (knockoff brand.) In high school, I had one of those big stereos that could play an audio cassette, radio, or a CD. I also had a Walkman and a Discman. So, I used them to create auditory chaos.

Today, I will use my computer, phone, and/or stereo to create the same environment. The only requirements are 1) the two (or more) devices must be placed on opposite sides of me, ideally equidistant and distributed equitably along a circle with me at the center. 2) The devices must play different types of music than each other. If the same artist, or similar artists are playing on both devices – it somehow dissipates the chaos and I can lose focus. That’s it. I create auditory chaos, and my mind wastes all that extra energy parsing out the different auditory sources so that I can use a normal amount of energy on the task(s) in front of me. It’s incredibly relaxing, for me. If it sounds awful to you, you’re probably right, and in that case – don’t try it. But, if you’re like me, and your brain is trying to light fireworks indoors with all the noise inside your head: try it? Let me know how it goes. Love.

If you, too, are exhausted, anxious, and overwhelmed – I hope this helped. Hugs!

I hope you find some peace, rest, and progress. Love, -S.