This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Avoidant-Attachment-e27c580

Okay, now that we talked about my anxious attachment, let’s discuss avoidant attachment… Avoidant attachment is caused when a child is not “allowed” to express feelings. When parents push their children to “tough it out” or “suck it up,” the child learns that feelings are unsafe. This causes isolation and loneliness of a different type. I got both styles. I’m “disorganized.” From The Attachment Project, “As adults, these children appear confident and self-sufficient. They do not tolerate emotional or physical intimacy and might not be able to build healthy relationships. What’s more, in the workplace, they are often seen as the independent, ‘lone wolf’.” (Yep…)

When I talk about being in relationships where I wasn’t able to “show my full self” this is where it stems from. Avoidants will, quite literally, avoid attachments. When people get close to them, they feel overwhelmed by the vulnerability. They push the connection away rather than risk depending on it. I’ve been there, but I can (thankfully) say that I have healed a lot of my avoidant damage. It wasn’t always that way. There was a man in undergrad that I really connected with and liked, but I pushed him away. I felt something closer and stronger than I’d ever felt, but he was just a friend. At the first sign of possible rejection, I ran away emotionally. I wouldn’t take the risk of a relationship. I told myself I was too damaged, that I would just ruin it, and so I avoided the connection and buried myself in my worst relationship of all. I ran out of fear; fear of that connection growing and then being broken. Fear of being abandoned.

What changed? I regretted it. I regretted my actions that were made out of fear for almost 15 years. I mourned my choices, and I worked to never let go of something with that potential again. It took me 15 years. I found that connection again, over 7 years of friendship with another man. That man rejected me. My avoidant kicked in immediately. That’s what made me say “Next time I have feelings for someone, I’ll just rip out my own heart.” Not my anxious, but my avoidant jumped in to protect me. Coupling avoidant tendencies with RSD is dangerous. That quote is incredibly hurtful. It’s the horrible combination combined with a trigger that hasn’t healed enough to be filtered. My avoidant doesn’t want to love again, but I do.

That’s the constant battle inside someone with avoidant attachment: the fear of hurt coupled with the desire for love and acceptance. I think everyone feels this, but someone with avoidant attachment has it to an extreme that interferes with their connections to others. Now that I have more secure attachment, I can check in with myself when the avoidant side starts to speak and choose to make a secure choice. I can recognize the fear and desire independently, and then make a conscious choice in my response. Making those choices helped me build deep friendships when I’d always feared that no one liked me (thanks childhood bullying?) It has only been the last few years that I have openly accepted that my friends like me. I think that was my avoidant speaking.

I have a favorite meme that says “Allow people to like you, to enjoy your company, to want to be your friend. Allow them to compliment you, allow others to think you’re cool and funny even if you think you’re not. It is not up to you to tell others how to feel, and remember that people might see the positive things in you and qualities that you have been failing to see while being too self-critical. Allow yourself to be liked by other people, even when you don’t see why they should. Don’t self-isolate because you think you are not good enough for other people.” For me, it’s my avoidant side that always got uncomfortable with people knowing me fully, or liking me for who I am. I had to be “perfect.” Nothing less was worthy of their kindness. But, my avoidant was wrong. Perfect isn’t what people want, they want human. Our “flaws” are often the things that others love most about us. I can say that from experience.

My story this week is about how that friendship (mentioned above) morphed recently.

I regretted my avoidant actions, and it set me on a path where I was overcome by my anxious side. When I finally did enough work to be more stable, I had a conversation with my old friend. He let me apologize, we talked about the bad stuff, and we managed to find a path to our old friendship again. He is avoidant attached, and has done work on his avoidant side. We were able to have discussions that were more stable, over 15 years later.

Sometimes our actions have consequences that result in lost relationships, but not always. Sometimes we can repair the relationships, but it takes both sides doing work to cultivate a safe and secure place to rebuild. We were lucky to do that. We’ll never be more than friends, but I am incredibly grateful for his friendship. We lived parallel paths and intersected at critical times in each others’ lives. I am confident that we will be friends for life, and I can only say that about a handful of people. 15 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed in lifelong friends. My avoidant believed that everyone would abandon me if they saw me for who I am, but now I know better.

Life happens. We make choices that cause us to change and grow over time. Learning about my attachment issues has been a breakthrough in all of my relationships. It empowered me to connect and trust in ways that were not available to my anxious or avoidant self. I love people more than ever, and I feel love from my friends more than I ever did before. It’s a new world, and it’s worth doing the work to get there. Trust me, please.

We need connection. Whatever healing lies before you: it’s worth it.

Sending you love and healing, -S.