This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Lonely-Child-e24ufk9

I said I would come back to this topic… so here it goes. I think that being a lonely child prepared me for a lot of the things I’ve faced in becoming an adult, so this seems like a good time to talk about it after last week’s post. There are many reasons I was a “lonely child.” I was an only child for 10+ years. Both my parents worked a lot on top of that. I changed schools 12 times in K-12 between moving and the natural progression from elementary to junior high to high school. So, I never had a longstanding friend base as a child. I did manage to spend several years in one neighborhood, but only three of those years were consecutive, the rest were part-time. My parents divorced when I was 9, and that created some further isolation because of the split time, etc.

The first thing I learned as a lonely child was how to enjoy alone time; how to fill my time without need of anyone else. I have a lot of activities I prefer doing alone, and I only realized that recently. I fell into the societal standards that we do things with friends, but some things have never been as much fun with friends (for me.) I want to enjoy a concert, movie, etc. with friends… but I actually like them better alone. I used to stay home rather than attend things by myself, but when I cast off the shackles of requiring friends – I found out I love doing things like that alone. I prefer to do a puzzle alone. I also have a strong desire to climb a tree and read a book. Alone.

The second thing I learned was that friendships are fleeting. I relearned as an adult: they aren’t. The loss of friendships, and my outcast status as a kid freed me from the fear of losing friends. People come and go in life, that will always be true, but good friends will always be there – years later. I learned how to deal with loss, and I learned how to deal with rejection. I mentioned in my post about RSD just how much such rejection hurt. However, I became resilient in the face of such rejections – even when they hurt. I gained independence and resilience through my isolation and rejection. I never stopped loving people, regardless of this.

The third thing I learned was that social acceptance was useless. I never had it, so I had to learn to live without it. I wasn’t “cool” or “popular,” I was “weird” and “gross” (despite being freaking adorable – perhaps that was the problem?) I was rejected because I was new, or different – or just because kids can be incredibly mean. One of my nicknames involved the word “smelly,” but I don’t think I was actually smelly (hard to say, it was elementary school.) By being excluded and rejected, I wasn’t in a clique; I didn’t have to “fit in.” I wore dresses everyday in elementary school because I wanted to. I chased the boys around the playground, wrestled in the dirt, and generally acted boyish – in a dress. I also walked on my toes like Barbie and got that nickname in 2nd grade. I refused to fit in anyone’s box, and that carried me through academia and a lot of my life. One of the best things I took away from something that sounds incredibly painful (okay, it was, but look how awesome I am now!?) I learned how to embrace my own weirdness.

The fourth thing (which is an extension of the third) was that I could make my own rules and goals. I may be a people pleaser, but I found my way in school. I didn’t feel like I had to follow a clique, or take the same classes as my friends. (What friends? Hahahaha!) I followed my passions and interests. I learned what I wanted to do with my life long before many of my peers; long before most of my students. I wasn’t trying to become something that my parents had chosen for me, or my friends. I was trying to become something that I wanted to be. I think this was a key for me. I learned independence. Without this, I’m not sure I would have reached the success I have now. Somehow it didn’t translate into my personal relationships, but it is now. We continue to grow and change over time.

The fifth thing was how to rely on myself and pick myself up when I “fell.” I might dwell in a pit of despair after something goes wrong… but I always find my way out. I knew I could depend on myself. I knew I could start over again. I started over with new schools, new homes, new friends. I could start over again – anywhere at anytime. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t learned to trust in myself when starting over. Life is going to mess us up, we’ll have to start over. It’s okay (I mean, not really – but it will be okay.)

There may be more, but 5 is a nice number to stop at. So many of the struggles I witness in adults today stem from a need for some of these things. Alone time helps us figure out who we are and what we like. Treating friendships the way I’ve treated romantic relationships is harmful, sometimes we have to let people go. If we follow the social acceptance “rules” instead of finding our own – we’ll be confined by rules that aren’t ours. We can always make our own rules and our own goals. In fact, I think this is a key to personal happiness. Relying on ourselves and trusting in ourselves is another key to happiness. We find flow when we can give in to the road we’re on and trust in the future and ourselves. If we drift too far from these things, we might lose ourselves and suffer.

Now, we’re not alone in this world. We don’t need to be lonely. I think we find fulfillment in compassion and love for others, but that’s another post.

My story this week is of a time I was scared and alone – but I’m going to make it funny…

When I lived with my dad, we lived down the road from a small farm community. I used to go down and milk their goat and drink the milk throughout the week, I had a lot of varied experiences in my life. I spent a lot of my spare time helping out at the community because the people were great. We made pies, cooked, sat around campfires, etc. I loved the short time I got to spend with them. One day, I was working for them by moving some things and organizing one of the cabins. We’d been told there was a mountain lion in the area, so to be cautious and get inside if there was any sign of it.

Okay: I’m a cat person. Dogs LOVE me, but I love cats. Always have. So, I wanted to see the mountain lion, in person. Not to the level of the TMNT story because I was 12, not 6, but I was looking out for that mountain lion with excitement. (Have I mentioned I was dumb sometimes? Aren’t we all…) So, I’m going along, moving things out in the open. I spot something running down the hill towards me that is roughly mountain lion-color. I guess my fight-or-flight kicked in, because I screamed and ran inside. Never got to see the mountain lion… because it wasn’t a mountain lion. Nope. I’m pretty sure it was a dog. Probably a golden retriever, friendly as could be, just running down the hill at me. I clearly was not ready to see a mountain lion, no matter how much this cat lover wanted a big cat to be their new best friend.

Even when you’re alone, you have you. Remember that.

Take care of yourself! Love, -S.