This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Adulting-e24ue4a

You’re never adulting more than when you’re taking care of someone else. This is a quote that I said to a friend when they were caring for their partner, and they repeated it back to me because it resonated for them. I see a lot of memes about adulting. Mostly referencing the ineptitude that people feel in being adults without feeling prepared to become adults. I think everyone feels like they were thrown into adulthood without appropriate training and are seeking some sort of adulting manual to help guide them on their way.

That’s the key, folks. There is no guide for how to live your life. It’s yours. You get to make it whatever you want. Reach for the stars, dive into the sea, sprint across the savannah, do you. The possibilities are endless and you get to make those choices. It’s daunting, I know. I want you to see that it’s also empowering. All this talk about finding your truth, your light, and cultivating love – it’s the key to empowering you to make the choices that fulfill you. (Okay, they are the keys that empowered me to make choices that fulfill me, but I think it will translate for you, too. I say it all with love.)

There isn’t a wrong path when you make choices on living your life. The only choices that are “wrong” are the choices you let others make for you when they aren’t aligned with your own wants and needs. (I suppose it’s worth saying that choices that you make which intentionally harm others are also “wrong”… but I doubt those are the choices you are making if you’re reading this post.) Set yourself free from the shackles of “right” and “wrong” choices. My second tattoo is a latin quote that roughly translates to “the third is not given” and it’s from a metaphysics course I took in undergrad. Choices don’t need to be “right” or “wrong” choices are just that: choices. There’s a third option here, your choices are not “right” or “wrong” they are just yours.

The consequences of our choices might make us feel the need for this binary distribution of categories, but I encourage you to cast that aside. We make choices with our knowledge in the present moment. We don’t make choices after the conclusion has come; after the effects are known. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps us reframe the judgement of our choices to recognize that we cannot go back in time with the knowledge of these effects and use them to criticize our choice. We made the best decisions we could in the moment the decision was made. So, as we move forward, we have to free ourselves of that judgement in the same way. We make the best decision with our present knowledge, accepting the consequences and the knowledge that we made the best decision we could.

Adulting is hard. All responsibility places a burden on us to be “more” or “better,” but the reality is that we are capable. When we have to step up and take care of someone else, we remove the judgements we place on ourselves and just dive in to do our best for the person we care for, right?! I think that’s the attitude we need for ourselves, too. If we can own that perspective, it releases us of the burdens we hold in the standards for ourselves. “I forgot to go to the grocery store today, but y’know – I can go tomorrow, we won’t starve.” (I recognize this is a privileged statement, and it is intended only as an example of giving yourself grace, but my sincere apologies for those that do not have that privilege.) It’s really easy to get stuck in the spiral of all the downsides of forgetting to get groceries. And, maybe there are things that are genuinely needed asap, but beating ourselves up about it doesn’t help. I always treat myself like I’m a busy person with a lot of demands who cannot always do “all the things.” Does that sound like you, too? Own it.

My story this week is about parenting.

This is the kind of parent I am: I give my child a lot of freedoms. I pay for that sometimes. However, I think it’s important to let my child explore and play without my intervention, so I feel the cost is worth it. Also, I don’t get upset about some things that I feel are more superficial; I spend a lot of time honoring their feelings while implementing boundaries, and I give them space and choices as much as possible. This is just context for the story…

So, there’s a counter behind my couch where three crayons were sitting because we colored and I left them there. My child pulled them down, and I asked them what they were doing with the crayons. They said “I’m going to color the astronaut!” So, I said “Great! Okay, you can color the astronaut.” I then walked into another room to prepare food. When I came back a few minutes later, they were coloring the couch. Yeah, so many parents would probably freak out at this, but that’s not me. I said “Oh, honey, we don’t color the couch… we color on paper. You said you were going to color the astronaut. Please only use the crayons on paper, if you color on the couch I’ll have to take the crayons away.” Some of you may think me crazy for this, but they didn’t color on the couch after that. In fact, they colored the astronaut and then brought me the crayons while I was back in the kitchen. This child is 3. Crayon may be indefinitely on my couch, that’s fine. I’ll try to get it out someday, but for the moment: pink, purple, and blue crayon made my couch a little more colorful. I’m okay with that.

Take the space to support yourself in your path and your “adulting.” If you can, treat yourself the way you would a child who was learning these things – because we’re all constantly learning. It’s part of being human.

Love and support, -S.