This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Beautiful-People-e24udip

People are beautiful. People are full of love. People will amaze you when their hearts are open. Walking into the world with this perspective will change your life.

I was such a scared child. Afraid at every turn, but always appearing fearless. People scared me. I was shy. Yet, I wanted to be the center of attention at every opportunity. I wanted to be on the stage. I wanted to impress everyone. At my heart, I think I was seeking acceptance. It’s how I became a people pleaser. The fear and the loneliness seeking acceptance. As an adult, the best way I’ve found acceptance is in the acceptance of others.

Seeking the stage and the attention for acceptance was a very flawed approach to reaching it. Those who are on the stage are often the most harshly criticized, not the most accepted. The more eyes we seek to gain acceptance, the more individuals we will find judgment and rejection within. It’s somewhat proportional; it isn’t because we’re in the light (most of the time), but in fact it’s because we will never be accepted by all. RSD really affected me in my childhood, especially in my days of theatre, dance, and voice. The dichotomy formed through the RSD response likely made it significantly harder for me to accept that I could be accepted.

So, I was a chameleon. Never truly knowing who I was, but reveling in my ability to be anyone when I walked on stage for an audience. Theatre gave me an outlet to become whomever I sought in a moment. I learned how to walk differently for different characters, speak in different cadences, modify gestures, etc. I could be whomever anyone else wanted of me, and that meant acceptance (I thought so at the time, but that is NOT acceptance.) Thus, the sought external acceptance for over 30 years of my life. At my heart, I just wanted to be a good human. I figured that out later.

When I see people for who they are and I accept them without judgement or force, that’s when I find acceptance in them also. I think we’re all afraid. (Some more than others.) Yet, when I can embrace someone with an open heart in myself – their heart opens to mine and we both thrive. The number of amazing humans in my life feels uncountable. They impress me every day. I love them more with every day, every interaction. Humans are amazing. They have such unique stories and connections – and as soon as I embraced that I became overwhelmed by it. There is so much love in this world. So, if you are still afraid, my advice to you is to experiment. Fear begets fear and will drive connection away. Love and acceptance begets more love and acceptance. Embrace those beautiful people and fill your cup.

My story this week is about a time I sought acceptance in all the wrong ways.

I’m a “square.” I have never done any “drugs” and even alcohol is limited a lot in my life. However, due to my K-12 days of being an “outcast” I was around a lot of people who started doing drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes before they were of legal age to do so. One of my friends in Junior High used to steal her mom’s cigarettes out of her purse and suck on them through her shirt next to me in theatre class. Unfortunately, this is the same friend that was being repeatedly raped by her stepfather. I mentioned it to the counselor because I was worried about her and I was meeting with the school counselor because of my home life. In Junior High, that got me into all sorts of trouble. I was trying to help, but I lost friends instead.

That was seventh grade, but I finally tried a cigarette in my senior year of high school. I’d been around them a lot, even though my family didn’t smoke. Far too many of my friends and their families smoked. So, I didn’t really have any interest until I was between relationships after getting “dumped” and having a small reflective and experimental phase. Like, playing games of how naked I could get while driving in the dark, or trying my first taste of alcohol, I also tried my friends’ cigarettes for the first time. When I’m down, sometimes I just want to say “fuck it” and do things I know I’ll regret. (Don’t we all?)

I was legitimately surprised there was a high with cigarettes. I’ve had two cigarettes and part of one cigar in my entire life. No need to touch either again. It was an interesting experiment, though. I smoked a cigarette and laid on my friend’s bed while we watched Pitch Black (I think? I don’t remember much about the movie.) My paternal grandmother died from lung cancer without ever smoking before I was born, and I heard about it my whole life. So, that was all the experimentation I needed. Tried cigarettes, check. Alcohol I regretted.

I tried alcohol in my sophomore year of high school without any knowledge of what it did, how it worked, etc. So, one friend gave me a bottle of peach brandy and another friend drank it with me during lunch at school (because I was clueless. I hope you can laugh with me about it.) I ate like a bird, so I didn’t have much for lunch – bad plan. I drank as much as my friend who ate a big baked potato with toppings – bad plan. Then, I went to class, but had to bail and got super sick. So, if having an abusive alcoholic stepfather hadn’t been enough of a deterrent, that experience sealed the deal: I didn’t drink any alcohol until I was 21 after that. I was trying to fit in because I had friends that drank, smoked, etc. I was never meant to do any of those things. I’m much happier sober, across the board.

The best part of this story is that my friends at school never pressured me to drink, smoke, or do drugs after the alcohol incident. They pressured me to try alcohol because they enjoyed it, but when I clearly didn’t: they let it go. I told them about my alcoholic stepfather, and they became my family. I sometimes got sad when I found out that I missed a party, but then my friends would say “sorry, we didn’t think you’d want to go.” They were right. Parties still make me anxious, alcohol makes me anxious, drug use makes me anxious. So… I wasn’t missing out when I missed the party. Not really. Their stories were enough for me, and I could have relief in the fact that I wasn’t being rejected or abandoned by my friends because I was a “square.” They accepted me, and I accepted them – for who we were.

I hope you find it in your heart to open doors to love and acceptance, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

With Love, -S.