Shells from a Beach

Stories of life, love, and learning

Month: June 2023

Burdens

June 30th, 2023

This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Burdens-e25l1a2

We all carry burdens. From memories to regrets, needs to desires, and responsibilities to obligations. Life isn’t perfect; things will happen that affect us in ways we may carry years later. I feel relatively unburdened for someone who carried many burdens a long while. My post with the hiking backpack story articulated the physical burdens that I choose to carry, but my mental and emotional burdens have sincerely lessened in time. So, I want to share some of the work I’ve done that led to this unburdening.

In terms of memories to regrets, the best tool has been cognitive behavioral therapy. Reframing things to realize that I did the best I could under the circumstances truly did allow me to relieve myself of many regrets. The memories that created burdens through trauma or loss are a bit different. Trauma burdens I’ve discussed a lot so I will briefly summarize what has helped me. Introspection into my experience and that of those on the other side of my trauma allowed me to view the experience from a less biased perspective and analyze the reasons for what happened. In each experience I found that I was able to heal from my trauma and release the burden within it through this process. Loss is tricky. Everyone needs their process to grieve from loss.

My losses in life have been peaceful, but I do think there are reasons why those losses became peaceful. I grieve the losses, but I also found peace with all of them. I think that the way I live plays a large part in my peace in those losses. I say things when I think them. I don’t have much of a filter. If I care about someone, I don’t hide it. I tell my friends how I love them. I took every opportunity to curl up and hug my grandma before she died. I didn’t talk to her enough, but I gave her my full presence when I did. She knew how much I loved her, I have no doubts. So, when we lost her – I knew I gave her all I could with the knowledge I had at the time and the resources available to me (partially thanks to cognitive behavioral therapy.) We don’t all get that. If we look for the regrets, we’ll find them. I could choose to focus on the fact that I moved too far away to see her as much as I wanted, but I don’t focus on that because it doesn’t give me peace. If there’s anything helpful in there, please use it. My condolences for your losses. Love.

The burdens of needs to desires are ones that are fluid. Some needs will be there your whole life, others will be periodic or random. Needs become burdens when they aren’t met. Humans need a lot of things, but I think we need each other most of all. The sense of connection and community helps us grow and find peace. Finding yourself is a key to that, because that is how we find “our people” to build that connection and community. That burden, oddly enough, is lifted by us. We find the peace in ourselves, and the needs are met. For the periodic or random needs there is often more urgency. Needs that are ever-present do not come with the same immediacy.

I think the immediacy of periodic or random needs has a very fine line with desires. Sometimes they are genuinely needs, but other times desires are mistaken for needs in the moment. The burden of desire, for me, loses power when I acknowledge it for what it is. It may sound simple, but asking myself “Is this really a need? Or, is it a desire?” Helps. Pausing to introspect and evaluate the situation beyond my feelings in the present moment is precisely how I manage to get through desire. I’ve spent much of my life exerting control over my desires. Food, laziness, sleep, etc. are all in a list composed of parts of my life that I managed. I am very wary of the food I consume and my productivity. I sacrifice sleep too much. I relaxed some over the years, and I realized my key was a matter of strictness. Days I chose to take care of myself were days that I loosened control, and days where I chose to be strict were days with control. It’s effectively a measure of priority and how much I chose to love myself. The strict days were not the days I gave myself love and compassion.

Responsibilities to obligations. Responsibilities only feel like obligations when we either 1) accept outside expectations as though they are our own, or 2) we frame the responsibility as a burden. 1) is clearly about analyzing the responsibility and recognizing that it is not our own, but an external expectation. 2) is muddier. As a parent, I could easily choose to see the responsibilities of parenthood as a burden, but I do not. Difficult != burden. Burdens weigh us down, but difficult responsibilities don’t have to. Those responsibilities were my choice when I decided to be a parent, and by viewing them that way I don’t feel burdened by the work. I feel love in it. Perspective can release burdens, as can choices. Not all burdens, but many.

My story this week is about potty training…

One of the hardest things about parenting a young child is potty training. Most people have aversions related to pee and/or poop, so flipping around from an aversion to cheering while your child releases waste material into a potty you have to clean, or the toilet (if you’re lucky) is difficult. Throw in the fact that there is often resistance, backslides, and accidents – it’s hard. It can take years to fully potty train a child. Honestly, it’s hard on the parents and the child because it’s a huge change.

Somehow, we find the levity in it. I don’t see potty training as a burden, I see it as a journey of growth. I also had to accept, like most parents, that pee and poop will wash off my hands, the floor, clothing (most of the time), etc. It’s a lot easier to enjoy potty training if you aren’t disgusted by it. I also think that Potty Power by Eunice and Sabrina Moyle is the best book to read to a child while potty training – I love that book. I make so much fun out of it. How could you not with lines like “You can become a pooperhero, too!” It didn’t help my child learn to use the potty, but it served as excellent entertainment while we waited for them to go potty.

Most potty training stories are not funny, but sometimes my child said things related to potty training that were funny. So, here are just a few silly things that are not disgusting. “I pooped in the air!” – child actually just farted during bath time. “Kitty is pooping in the toilet!” – child got a stuffed animal cat to sit on the toilet seat like it was pooping in the toilet, proud parent moment? However, child then proclaimed that kitty pooped on the sun, in the sink, and on a chair – which was not so great. Child did insist on washing kitty’s hands, though. And, a final quote: “Sometimes you want to pee on the toilet, but there isn’t any pee left.”

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we carry things we don’t need to.

I hope something I shared helps you release burdens in your life. Love, -S.
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Anxiety

June 23rd, 2023
This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Anxiety-e25l0jn

I know so many people with anxiety – does everyone have anxiety?! I feel like everyone I talk to has some level of anxiety. Why? I’ve had a wide range on the anxiety scale, I go through periods of overwhelming anxiety and I also go through periods of grounded calm. I feel the anxiety of those near me, be it my students or my friends, or complete strangers on the bus. As an empath, I feel it – I feel it how they’re feeling it. It’s how I knew that the woman next to me on a flight was going to vomit into her little paper bag when there were no visual or auditory signs, or when my friend had just suffered a breakup, or when a guy at a concert was way too drunk and needed assistance, or when my friend was anxious over a conversation that had nothing to do with me. I was in their proximity, and I just felt what they were feeling.

It goes for positive feelings, too, but I usually have to step in when I sense negative feelings. Positive feelings radiate differently, and people aren’t often afraid of sharing excitement or happiness. They’re afraid to share their pain. I feel their pain, so I’m already sharing it. This opens a door where some choose to cross the threshold and voice the pain, but others close it. Every time, it’s their choice – it’s their pain.

Anxiety is the feeling I see and feel the most often. As a professor, my students have so many reasons to be anxious in my presence. Sometimes it’s related to me or my class, but sometimes they’re anxious about completely separate things. I want to dig into some sources of anxiety because I see it so much, and I hope what I can share might help you with any anxiety that you experience.

As I can only truly unpack my own anxieties, I’m going to start there. A cognitive behavioral therapy tool called Bloom (not advertising, just referencing my source,) referred to anxiety as something we experience when we care about an outcome, but feel a lack of control in that outcome. This resonated for me, but there’s also a layer I see in expectations. There’s an umbrella outcome here: life success/happiness/fulfillment/etc. There are societal expectations, family expectations, partner expectations, etc. We are surrounded by perceived expectations to be met (outcomes) and no roadmap for our path to reach them (lack of control.)

It always comes back to knowing myself and my wants, needs, goals, etc. The more certain we are of our personal (internal) expectations, the less we will care about the external expectations. This connects very well with the concept of locus of control (the belief that I have control over my outcomes rather than external sources.) When I shift to an external locus of control perspective, more anxiety will fill me because I feel like I have no control. Whereas, when I am able to shift my perspective back to what I can control, I have far less anxiety.

For example: I don’t care about society’s expectations for my house. I’m a “clutterbug,” and I will never own a house that looks like those on television. I do not care. I think living in my home is more important than keeping it pristine. I clean, I teach my child to clean up toys, wash dishes, etc. But, I also have a couple piles of mail, work, and random items that need to be “put away.” I can use the space, and I’ll put those items away as I find the mental and temporal space to do so. They aren’t hurting anyone. It’s not worth me stressing about because I don’t have the pristine house expectation, and anyone who thinks I should can kindly f*ck off. Suddenly, the anxiety and stress about my home: disappears.

So, this is how I check myself when I’m feeling anxious:
1. Check in: what am I feeling anxious about? Why am I feeling this way?
2. Analyze my personal expectations in this realm: What are my expectations for ____?
3. Compare my personal expectations with the external “expectation”: Are these different? Is that what is causing my anxiety?
4. Reframe: Am I meeting my expectations?
  Yes: great! Dismiss the external expectations. You define what is important to you.
  No: How can I meet my expectations within reason? How can I divide this problem into smaller problems? Or, share the workload to take some of the stress off?
Honestly, this is basically a roadmap for how I manage my anxiety (well, anxiety caused by expectations.) I can tell you that it gets easier with practice, like most things. Let me know if it helps you, or if you have other things that help you.

The other major cause of anxiety for me is risk. This is another form of investment in an outcome that is out of my control. In these cases, I am stepping outside my “comfort zone.” Risks help us grow as humans, but risks can also cause us damage. That’s inherent in the word: risk. A risk can have a reward, or a cost. We don’t know which we have until we take the risk. So, it leaves us with an unknown outcome that we feel is out of our control. We may attempt to take “controlled” risks, but risks are risky – always. Thus the anxiety.

This one is harder because the anxiety is going to be there. You cannot simply manage it or push it away. We have to embrace the anxiety and accept the potential cost while reaching for the reward with all we have. Accepting the unknown is the only thing that has allowed me to take these risks. I take a lot of these types of risks… I always reach for the rewards. I think it’s part of my goal-oriented attitude: always moving onward and upward. So, my best advice for the anxiety here is simply the acknowledgement and acceptance of the anxiety and potential cost. If you’re taking a risk where the cost is too great to accept – that risk is potentially too much. If you can face the cost as an acceptable loss – that’s going to relieve the anxiety and pressure. However, some of us thrive under certain pressures, so it all comes back to knowing ourselves. Whee!

My story this week is about a risk I took.

I lived my life in California until I finished graduate school. I found myself completing a PhD and facing a job decision: try to stay in CA (and potentially without a job), or move to a place with lots of snow for a job… I hate snow and cold. I was the kid that hid in the car shivering after two runs on the sled. I made a snow angel, or a snowman, and then immediately went back inside. I don’t like being cold, and snow is frigging cold. I would live in a tropical place, no problem. Give me all the warmth and humidity, please. Screw all this dry, cold, BS.

Anyway, I got a job somewhere cold. So… I was terrified of the risk associated with moving somewhere that I knew no one and had to deal with snow. I’m still cringing at that decision. I made the right one, I think, but I still feel how anxious it made me. The potential for a job in CA was there, but I would have to give up the job in the cold place… a different risk. So, the costs were either: live in a cold place, or risk graduating without a job. When I weighed the costs: having a job seemed to be more important than my distaste for cold and snow. So, I took the job in the cold place.

This job became part of the catalyst for my first divorce. I left everyone and everything I knew in CA to move to the middle of the US, and I started over. I had to build a friend base, date people (ugh), and learn the ropes at a new institution. It took a long time, and I still cringe at the snow and ice, but I found a home. It was the “right” choice for me. If there was some other path on the other side of that decision, I’ll never know what it was, but I took a big risk – and I found a home. I found myself here. I created things. I made friends. I even learned how to drive in the snow, hahaha.

We never know what is on the other side, but trusting ourselves and trusting in the flow of life can change everything.

I hope you found some peace in my experience. Love, -S.
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Lonely Child

June 16th, 2023

This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Lonely-Child-e24ufk9

I said I would come back to this topic… so here it goes. I think that being a lonely child prepared me for a lot of the things I’ve faced in becoming an adult, so this seems like a good time to talk about it after last week’s post. There are many reasons I was a “lonely child.” I was an only child for 10+ years. Both my parents worked a lot on top of that. I changed schools 12 times in K-12 between moving and the natural progression from elementary to junior high to high school. So, I never had a longstanding friend base as a child. I did manage to spend several years in one neighborhood, but only three of those years were consecutive, the rest were part-time. My parents divorced when I was 9, and that created some further isolation because of the split time, etc.

The first thing I learned as a lonely child was how to enjoy alone time; how to fill my time without need of anyone else. I have a lot of activities I prefer doing alone, and I only realized that recently. I fell into the societal standards that we do things with friends, but some things have never been as much fun with friends (for me.) I want to enjoy a concert, movie, etc. with friends… but I actually like them better alone. I used to stay home rather than attend things by myself, but when I cast off the shackles of requiring friends – I found out I love doing things like that alone. I prefer to do a puzzle alone. I also have a strong desire to climb a tree and read a book. Alone.

The second thing I learned was that friendships are fleeting. I relearned as an adult: they aren’t. The loss of friendships, and my outcast status as a kid freed me from the fear of losing friends. People come and go in life, that will always be true, but good friends will always be there – years later. I learned how to deal with loss, and I learned how to deal with rejection. I mentioned in my post about RSD just how much such rejection hurt. However, I became resilient in the face of such rejections – even when they hurt. I gained independence and resilience through my isolation and rejection. I never stopped loving people, regardless of this.

The third thing I learned was that social acceptance was useless. I never had it, so I had to learn to live without it. I wasn’t “cool” or “popular,” I was “weird” and “gross” (despite being freaking adorable – perhaps that was the problem?) I was rejected because I was new, or different – or just because kids can be incredibly mean. One of my nicknames involved the word “smelly,” but I don’t think I was actually smelly (hard to say, it was elementary school.) By being excluded and rejected, I wasn’t in a clique; I didn’t have to “fit in.” I wore dresses everyday in elementary school because I wanted to. I chased the boys around the playground, wrestled in the dirt, and generally acted boyish – in a dress. I also walked on my toes like Barbie and got that nickname in 2nd grade. I refused to fit in anyone’s box, and that carried me through academia and a lot of my life. One of the best things I took away from something that sounds incredibly painful (okay, it was, but look how awesome I am now!?) I learned how to embrace my own weirdness.

The fourth thing (which is an extension of the third) was that I could make my own rules and goals. I may be a people pleaser, but I found my way in school. I didn’t feel like I had to follow a clique, or take the same classes as my friends. (What friends? Hahahaha!) I followed my passions and interests. I learned what I wanted to do with my life long before many of my peers; long before most of my students. I wasn’t trying to become something that my parents had chosen for me, or my friends. I was trying to become something that I wanted to be. I think this was a key for me. I learned independence. Without this, I’m not sure I would have reached the success I have now. Somehow it didn’t translate into my personal relationships, but it is now. We continue to grow and change over time.

The fifth thing was how to rely on myself and pick myself up when I “fell.” I might dwell in a pit of despair after something goes wrong… but I always find my way out. I knew I could depend on myself. I knew I could start over again. I started over with new schools, new homes, new friends. I could start over again – anywhere at anytime. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t learned to trust in myself when starting over. Life is going to mess us up, we’ll have to start over. It’s okay (I mean, not really – but it will be okay.)

There may be more, but 5 is a nice number to stop at. So many of the struggles I witness in adults today stem from a need for some of these things. Alone time helps us figure out who we are and what we like. Treating friendships the way I’ve treated romantic relationships is harmful, sometimes we have to let people go. If we follow the social acceptance “rules” instead of finding our own – we’ll be confined by rules that aren’t ours. We can always make our own rules and our own goals. In fact, I think this is a key to personal happiness. Relying on ourselves and trusting in ourselves is another key to happiness. We find flow when we can give in to the road we’re on and trust in the future and ourselves. If we drift too far from these things, we might lose ourselves and suffer.

Now, we’re not alone in this world. We don’t need to be lonely. I think we find fulfillment in compassion and love for others, but that’s another post.

My story this week is of a time I was scared and alone – but I’m going to make it funny…

When I lived with my dad, we lived down the road from a small farm community. I used to go down and milk their goat and drink the milk throughout the week, I had a lot of varied experiences in my life. I spent a lot of my spare time helping out at the community because the people were great. We made pies, cooked, sat around campfires, etc. I loved the short time I got to spend with them. One day, I was working for them by moving some things and organizing one of the cabins. We’d been told there was a mountain lion in the area, so to be cautious and get inside if there was any sign of it.

Okay: I’m a cat person. Dogs LOVE me, but I love cats. Always have. So, I wanted to see the mountain lion, in person. Not to the level of the TMNT story because I was 12, not 6, but I was looking out for that mountain lion with excitement. (Have I mentioned I was dumb sometimes? Aren’t we all…) So, I’m going along, moving things out in the open. I spot something running down the hill towards me that is roughly mountain lion-color. I guess my fight-or-flight kicked in, because I screamed and ran inside. Never got to see the mountain lion… because it wasn’t a mountain lion. Nope. I’m pretty sure it was a dog. Probably a golden retriever, friendly as could be, just running down the hill at me. I clearly was not ready to see a mountain lion, no matter how much this cat lover wanted a big cat to be their new best friend.

Even when you’re alone, you have you. Remember that.

Take care of yourself! Love, -S.
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Adulting

June 9th, 2023

This post is also available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Adulting-e24ue4a

You’re never adulting more than when you’re taking care of someone else. This is a quote that I said to a friend when they were caring for their partner, and they repeated it back to me because it resonated for them. I see a lot of memes about adulting. Mostly referencing the ineptitude that people feel in being adults without feeling prepared to become adults. I think everyone feels like they were thrown into adulthood without appropriate training and are seeking some sort of adulting manual to help guide them on their way.

That’s the key, folks. There is no guide for how to live your life. It’s yours. You get to make it whatever you want. Reach for the stars, dive into the sea, sprint across the savannah, do you. The possibilities are endless and you get to make those choices. It’s daunting, I know. I want you to see that it’s also empowering. All this talk about finding your truth, your light, and cultivating love – it’s the key to empowering you to make the choices that fulfill you. (Okay, they are the keys that empowered me to make choices that fulfill me, but I think it will translate for you, too. I say it all with love.)

There isn’t a wrong path when you make choices on living your life. The only choices that are “wrong” are the choices you let others make for you when they aren’t aligned with your own wants and needs. (I suppose it’s worth saying that choices that you make which intentionally harm others are also “wrong”… but I doubt those are the choices you are making if you’re reading this post.) Set yourself free from the shackles of “right” and “wrong” choices. My second tattoo is a latin quote that roughly translates to “the third is not given” and it’s from a metaphysics course I took in undergrad. Choices don’t need to be “right” or “wrong” choices are just that: choices. There’s a third option here, your choices are not “right” or “wrong” they are just yours.

The consequences of our choices might make us feel the need for this binary distribution of categories, but I encourage you to cast that aside. We make choices with our knowledge in the present moment. We don’t make choices after the conclusion has come; after the effects are known. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps us reframe the judgement of our choices to recognize that we cannot go back in time with the knowledge of these effects and use them to criticize our choice. We made the best decisions we could in the moment the decision was made. So, as we move forward, we have to free ourselves of that judgement in the same way. We make the best decision with our present knowledge, accepting the consequences and the knowledge that we made the best decision we could.

Adulting is hard. All responsibility places a burden on us to be “more” or “better,” but the reality is that we are capable. When we have to step up and take care of someone else, we remove the judgements we place on ourselves and just dive in to do our best for the person we care for, right?! I think that’s the attitude we need for ourselves, too. If we can own that perspective, it releases us of the burdens we hold in the standards for ourselves. “I forgot to go to the grocery store today, but y’know – I can go tomorrow, we won’t starve.” (I recognize this is a privileged statement, and it is intended only as an example of giving yourself grace, but my sincere apologies for those that do not have that privilege.) It’s really easy to get stuck in the spiral of all the downsides of forgetting to get groceries. And, maybe there are things that are genuinely needed asap, but beating ourselves up about it doesn’t help. I always treat myself like I’m a busy person with a lot of demands who cannot always do “all the things.” Does that sound like you, too? Own it.

My story this week is about parenting.

This is the kind of parent I am: I give my child a lot of freedoms. I pay for that sometimes. However, I think it’s important to let my child explore and play without my intervention, so I feel the cost is worth it. Also, I don’t get upset about some things that I feel are more superficial; I spend a lot of time honoring their feelings while implementing boundaries, and I give them space and choices as much as possible. This is just context for the story…

So, there’s a counter behind my couch where three crayons were sitting because we colored and I left them there. My child pulled them down, and I asked them what they were doing with the crayons. They said “I’m going to color the astronaut!” So, I said “Great! Okay, you can color the astronaut.” I then walked into another room to prepare food. When I came back a few minutes later, they were coloring the couch. Yeah, so many parents would probably freak out at this, but that’s not me. I said “Oh, honey, we don’t color the couch… we color on paper. You said you were going to color the astronaut. Please only use the crayons on paper, if you color on the couch I’ll have to take the crayons away.” Some of you may think me crazy for this, but they didn’t color on the couch after that. In fact, they colored the astronaut and then brought me the crayons while I was back in the kitchen. This child is 3. Crayon may be indefinitely on my couch, that’s fine. I’ll try to get it out someday, but for the moment: pink, purple, and blue crayon made my couch a little more colorful. I’m okay with that.

Take the space to support yourself in your path and your “adulting.” If you can, treat yourself the way you would a child who was learning these things – because we’re all constantly learning. It’s part of being human.

Love and support, -S.
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Beautiful People

June 2nd, 2023

This post is available as a podcast here: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/s-p01/episodes/Beautiful-People-e24udip

People are beautiful. People are full of love. People will amaze you when their hearts are open. Walking into the world with this perspective will change your life.

I was such a scared child. Afraid at every turn, but always appearing fearless. People scared me. I was shy. Yet, I wanted to be the center of attention at every opportunity. I wanted to be on the stage. I wanted to impress everyone. At my heart, I think I was seeking acceptance. It’s how I became a people pleaser. The fear and the loneliness seeking acceptance. As an adult, the best way I’ve found acceptance is in the acceptance of others.

Seeking the stage and the attention for acceptance was a very flawed approach to reaching it. Those who are on the stage are often the most harshly criticized, not the most accepted. The more eyes we seek to gain acceptance, the more individuals we will find judgment and rejection within. It’s somewhat proportional; it isn’t because we’re in the light (most of the time), but in fact it’s because we will never be accepted by all. RSD really affected me in my childhood, especially in my days of theatre, dance, and voice. The dichotomy formed through the RSD response likely made it significantly harder for me to accept that I could be accepted.

So, I was a chameleon. Never truly knowing who I was, but reveling in my ability to be anyone when I walked on stage for an audience. Theatre gave me an outlet to become whomever I sought in a moment. I learned how to walk differently for different characters, speak in different cadences, modify gestures, etc. I could be whomever anyone else wanted of me, and that meant acceptance (I thought so at the time, but that is NOT acceptance.) Thus, the sought external acceptance for over 30 years of my life. At my heart, I just wanted to be a good human. I figured that out later.

When I see people for who they are and I accept them without judgement or force, that’s when I find acceptance in them also. I think we’re all afraid. (Some more than others.) Yet, when I can embrace someone with an open heart in myself – their heart opens to mine and we both thrive. The number of amazing humans in my life feels uncountable. They impress me every day. I love them more with every day, every interaction. Humans are amazing. They have such unique stories and connections – and as soon as I embraced that I became overwhelmed by it. There is so much love in this world. So, if you are still afraid, my advice to you is to experiment. Fear begets fear and will drive connection away. Love and acceptance begets more love and acceptance. Embrace those beautiful people and fill your cup.

My story this week is about a time I sought acceptance in all the wrong ways.

I’m a “square.” I have never done any “drugs” and even alcohol is limited a lot in my life. However, due to my K-12 days of being an “outcast” I was around a lot of people who started doing drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes before they were of legal age to do so. One of my friends in Junior High used to steal her mom’s cigarettes out of her purse and suck on them through her shirt next to me in theatre class. Unfortunately, this is the same friend that was being repeatedly raped by her stepfather. I mentioned it to the counselor because I was worried about her and I was meeting with the school counselor because of my home life. In Junior High, that got me into all sorts of trouble. I was trying to help, but I lost friends instead.

That was seventh grade, but I finally tried a cigarette in my senior year of high school. I’d been around them a lot, even though my family didn’t smoke. Far too many of my friends and their families smoked. So, I didn’t really have any interest until I was between relationships after getting “dumped” and having a small reflective and experimental phase. Like, playing games of how naked I could get while driving in the dark, or trying my first taste of alcohol, I also tried my friends’ cigarettes for the first time. When I’m down, sometimes I just want to say “fuck it” and do things I know I’ll regret. (Don’t we all?)

I was legitimately surprised there was a high with cigarettes. I’ve had two cigarettes and part of one cigar in my entire life. No need to touch either again. It was an interesting experiment, though. I smoked a cigarette and laid on my friend’s bed while we watched Pitch Black (I think? I don’t remember much about the movie.) My paternal grandmother died from lung cancer without ever smoking before I was born, and I heard about it my whole life. So, that was all the experimentation I needed. Tried cigarettes, check. Alcohol I regretted.

I tried alcohol in my sophomore year of high school without any knowledge of what it did, how it worked, etc. So, one friend gave me a bottle of peach brandy and another friend drank it with me during lunch at school (because I was clueless. I hope you can laugh with me about it.) I ate like a bird, so I didn’t have much for lunch – bad plan. I drank as much as my friend who ate a big baked potato with toppings – bad plan. Then, I went to class, but had to bail and got super sick. So, if having an abusive alcoholic stepfather hadn’t been enough of a deterrent, that experience sealed the deal: I didn’t drink any alcohol until I was 21 after that. I was trying to fit in because I had friends that drank, smoked, etc. I was never meant to do any of those things. I’m much happier sober, across the board.

The best part of this story is that my friends at school never pressured me to drink, smoke, or do drugs after the alcohol incident. They pressured me to try alcohol because they enjoyed it, but when I clearly didn’t: they let it go. I told them about my alcoholic stepfather, and they became my family. I sometimes got sad when I found out that I missed a party, but then my friends would say “sorry, we didn’t think you’d want to go.” They were right. Parties still make me anxious, alcohol makes me anxious, drug use makes me anxious. So… I wasn’t missing out when I missed the party. Not really. Their stories were enough for me, and I could have relief in the fact that I wasn’t being rejected or abandoned by my friends because I was a “square.” They accepted me, and I accepted them – for who we were.

I hope you find it in your heart to open doors to love and acceptance, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

With Love, -S.
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June 2, 2023
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