This post is also available as a podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/RwvXkQBMlzb

I have a tendency to fall into people’s lives. I say that, because I find myself instantly bonding with people. I bond with them, we work together somehow to reach their goals, and then our bond is broken. I sat back and pondered to myself “Am I just a muse?” Do I just show up, inspire people, and then the contract is broken? Once they get what they need, we go our separate ways. However, this is a pattern in me because it is my experience with people in my life. So, instead of viewing this as people taking advantage of me, I’m going to reflect that on myself.

For those of us that grew up thinking love was conditional, we think it has to be earned. So, what happens when we run out of ways to earn that love? Hmmm. For me, I fall back. I love helping people, so finding ways to inspire and support people is how I show my love for them. When people deny my help, I feel like I’m not accepted anymore. I fall away from them (probably my RSD.) I don’t stop loving them, but I feel unworthy of their love. Why? Psychologically, I think that I feel like I’m no longer meeting the conditions for their love, and so I pull away and separate from them. I no longer believe they could love me.

Now, this is coupled with the partners in my life not being the “right” partners for me. I spent my relationships “earning” their love instead of cultivating my love for them (and myself.) The conditional nature of the love I was working for stemmed from the insecurities within me that said I wasn’t worthy of their love. It set all my relationships up for failure. This includes friendships, but not all friendships. I’ve lost friends along the same path by feeling like they don’t need me anymore. Luckily, most friendships were easily rekindled once I started to address the core issues in my insecurities.

The key here is accepting unconditional love. I give unconditional love to many friends and loves in my life. So, I had to reflect on why I felt unworthy. I had to cultivate self-love. I hope that the next time I find myself being a muse, that I am able to bring that new perspective. I won’t stop being a muse, but I will try to reframe my perspective about it. A partnership is equitable. So, if I’m helping them without returns on that investment, then it’s a repeated pattern. If there is equitable exchange, because I’m worthy of that, then that’s something new. That’s a goal.

If you’re struggling to accept that people love you, you’re far from alone. There are holes in our hearts. We are many. We can fill those holes, but it’s hard work. We have to cultivate self-love. To do that, we have to turn off the judgmental voice in our heads that says all the bad things. We don’t feel like we can do that, not at the start. If we work at it, and we listen to those that love us, it gets easier. Every day gets a bit brighter, we feel a little more worthy – but it isn’t linear. There will be backslides, there always are. Do not beat yourself up; focus on positive reinforcement. Change isn’t easy, but this change is worth it.

One caveat: listen to those that love you, but don’t depend on them for the love. I actually pushed back on those that loved me, hitting the bottom of my self love to rebuild it at the foundation. No one but me could ultimately hold up my self love. I was dependent on others for a short period before I found my own foundation. If you can manage it, don’t be like me. I lost friends that way. Friends I may never get back. Standing on our own is SO hard, but we have to do it to pull ourselves out of the muck. To truly love ourselves means that we love ourselves regardless of external love sources. Know yourself, and define the things you value about yourself.

For me, that will always be my heart. I love everyone. I love my drive. I make things happen; I’m a creator and a builder. I love to perpetually create and build things. I have an eternal source of hope. My hopelessness never lasts. It ebbs and flows, but it eventually rebuilds. I love those things about myself. I have plenty of things I don’t like, but I consistently remind myself of the good things because they are a core of my person and I value them. What do you have that you can hold onto? What do you value? Love those parts of yourself. You can do it!

My story this week is about my dating life between marriages… feel free to laugh at my ridiculousness.

I had no experience in dating. All of my relationships were people I knew in high school or college through other people and/or common interests on campus. So, when I got divorced from my first husband, I had NO idea what I was doing. I didn’t know what I wanted and I certainly didn’t know how to go on dates. The limited dating I did at the time went down like this: 5 dates in one week. Done. That’s it. I was in an instant relationship (of sorts) and I stopped looking. My ex husband helped me set up a Tinder profile, which I still think is hilariously ridiculous. Back in the early days of Tinder, when people used it for dating and its perk was that you both had to swipe right to interact (not the case with other dating sites at the time, but is now common place.)

I also created an OkCupid profile at the time, and that was an epic nightmare of messages within 24 hours. I didn’t even go on a single date from OkC in those days. My inbox was flooded. I talked to one person on there immediately after I set up my account, but then abandoned the account after the flooding. Thank goodness things have changed. So, Tinder was “safe.” I set up 5 dates in a week, with 4 completely different dudes. The first one was great until he kissed me goodnight, then it was awkward. I didn’t know at the time how to say “Sorry, not into it. Thanks, that was fun, but I don’t want to see you again.” So, there was a long series of awkward messages between us and we didn’t see each other again.

Second date was super awkward, but better than the first. We set up a second date a few nights later that I probably wouldn’t have done with the confidence I have today. Nothing extraordinary happened, but apparently the bill was super cheap, as he told me later.

The third date was great, like, we hit it off. We started making inside jokes, laughed a LOT, it was nice. He didn’t kiss me goodnight, though. He was nice and polite, and a little reserved despite how well we hit it off.

The fourth date was the same guy as the second date, and it went a lot better. We seemed to enjoy each other and had a good time. My mistake was getting physical that early – never done that before. He asked me to not sleep with anyone else, and I didn’t know how to say no. He also said at dinner “most girls don’t get a second date with me.” Red Flag, everyone screams. Yeah. WTF? I asked him about it and he brushed it off.

Fifth date: awkward. Got a beer, watched an episode of Orange is the New Black and that was it. Clearly a (relatively) nice guy just looking for a hookup, and I’d been claimed, so I thanked him for the date and went home. I dated numbers 2 and 3 for a short while. It took number 3 4-5 dates before he finally kissed me, and it was really awkward. Flashbacks to my husband. I didn’t want to see him again. Luckily, he must have felt the same because it was just over afterward. It sucks, because he was great, but that’s how it goes sometimes.

I married 2, and as we all know now, that didn’t work out. Young S. Made the puzzle pieces fit. Didn’t know how to date. Got into some pretty ridiculous situations in those 5 dates, and really needed help. Young S didn’t have self-love to fall back on, so they went along with things that felt wrong. They were loyal and honest to things that they never needed to be.

The funny takeaway from this story is that this is how I thought I was supposed to date. I was clueless. I thought I should just hammer out a bunch of dates, pick the best of the barrel and move along. Which is hilarious to me in retrospect. I always “put the cart before the horse” so it completely makes sense.

Since my second divorce I have gone on many more dates, over a much longer period of time, and I only get MORE picky about dates with each attempt. Why? Self-love, folks. Self-love. I know what I’m worth today. So, if something feels awkward or wrong, I say so. I don’t have much to lose anymore – because I’m not seeking love from them. I don’t need external strangers to fall for me if I love who I am. I can date without the weight of need. It’s liberating, and frustrating because the pool of dates is so much smaller – but I like the people in the pool a lot more.

When you love yourself it turns the experience of a public pool into the experience of a private pool party. You have some control over who is allowed to be there and when they go home. It’s nice.

So here are some funnies of my first five dates after my second marriage. First one, a 6 hour date walking around a sculpture garden and Barnes and Noble. We had a good visit, but then the texts got out of control and he was not respecting my boundaries via text so I never saw him again. Second one, 5 hours walking around a park and getting coffee. Then, I find out he doesn’t brush his teeth… nope. Third date was nice and we’re friends, so that’s all I have to say. Fourth date was walking around a park and chatting, then sitting in the shade talking about our history and traumas. I cried. We never managed to find time for another date. Fifth date was great, we dated for a bit, but it got really awkward when there was a communication breakdown and I shut it down. This all happened over 4 months, not one week. The experiences have gotten better with each dating experience thereafter. See? I’ve grown! Private pool parties are more fun.

Is it warm enough for a pool party yet?! I love to swim 🙂

Have a wonderful week; love yourself like I would love you, -S.