This post is available as a podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/Z1a4pQlh0yb

If you’re not crying happy tears, maybe don’t get married? (Context later.) There is so much marriage advice out in this world. So much of it is incredibly valuable, from people who made marriage work for them. I cannot provide that kind of advice. I can tell you things I’ve done wrong, things I’ve learned, and what I know to look for now. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and it’s far too easy to get married when compared with divorce. Divorce is hard. So, if I could go back to a younger version of myself – I would teach them to be more reserved about marriage.

My first marriage seemed like the right thing to do, but that should never be a reason to get married. I loved him, I really did. We had a blast together, and we made a great team when it came to having fun together. The day-to-day was our downfall. Somehow, we clashed when it came to the simpler side of things. When we separated I said we were like two ships passing at sea. We had a lot in common, but we never really got on the same page. We lived together, but we weren’t teammates in our home. We tried to communicate, but there were too many barriers. Our marriage ended because I had to make a choice about jobs and the worst choice was moving back in with my husband. I couldn’t see myself living with him again. So, I left. I started a job in another state, and we got divorced.

My first marriage taught me that the giddy feelings of love aren’t enough. To make a marriage work, I needed someone I trusted to work with me in the home. I needed someone good at the day-to-day. Great. My second husband was great at the day-to-day, but doesn’t have much for romance in his person. I wanted to love him, so badly, but as soon as we moved in together it started to waver. He was a teammate in the home. He was dependable. I thought that would bring me security; I thought that was what marriage was: a business arrangement. What I realized was that there wasn’t enough love – on both sides. That marriage ended because the teamwork in the home fell apart when the love did. I learned that love has to be cultivated every day to keep the marriage together. If we don’t work to keep the love alive, it eventually dies. Without the love, the business arrangement isn’t enough. So, we divorced, and we’re both happier for it.

There’s a better love. I’ve felt it, twice (three times if you count my child.) There’s the love that opens your heart deeper. It’s not giddy or hard to cultivate. It’s a natural extension of your heart. The two people I’ve loved this way are people I can always find more space for. I will extend my love, my heart, to them every day. Time and distance do not change the love I have for them. Their actions don’t change my love for them, but they do affect how I interact with them. It’s not perfect; nothing human can be perfect (not in the standard sense, anyway. We’re all some sense of perfect in being ourselves.) However, I always find a way to cultivate love for them. Fight? Love. Slight? Love. Hurt? Love. These two people have my heart, forever. One of them will always be in my life, we’ve committed to each other countless times. The second… I hope is in my life again someday. They have a journey to complete before I am likely to see them again.

When I read the 7 types of love (Eros/romantic, Philia/friend, Storge/family, Agape/universal, Ludus/lustful, Pragma/committed, Philautia/Self), I felt them all – except Pragma – when I first got married. Pragma takes something more. A friend asked me about love, and I like what I said. “Love requires trust, understanding, mutual respect, and joy.” My follow-up (because I talk a lot) was “Trust is built on open and clear communication. So is understanding. I think mutual respect is built through understanding each other’s worlds and holding space for your partner because you care about them. Joy is found by being with someone who shares in things that bring you joy, or at least supports them. Humor alignment is also important there.” The person I love who has mutual pragma – we naturally trust each other. We trust each other on many levels and that trust allows us to turn towards each other under all circumstances. We listen to each other, and we understand each other in ways that allow us to support each other. Mutual respect is the key I have missed in most of my relationships. That key is the thing that opens my heart to someone. When I respect them and they respect me, we can talk about anything. We can dream and play. We can lose all our walls and just be together. Honestly, the joy is then a natural extension. Marriage is not an option with that person, but it doesn’t need to be. However, I know that the only way I’ll get married again is if I find someone who makes me feel that way again.

So, if there are any takeaways, they would be: check in with yourself. Do you trust each other, completely? When you talk, do you understand each other? Do you have mutual respect? Does time with this person bring you joy? Additionally, Do you have love that is grounding and opening your heart? Is it the kind of love you think will open and make space through difficulties? Is that type of love mutual? Is the person someone you can work with? Will you be a team? Can you do the business side and the play? The question younger me needed most: Can you genuinely see yourself working with this person for the rest of your life?

My story this week is the context for my first line… I hope you laugh at my ridiculousness.

So, it turns out that I’ve only had 8 real relationships in my life. 5 of those resulted in proposals, 3 became engagements, and 2 became marriages that ended in divorce. This story is about how that all went down, because it’s kind of ridiculous. Proposal 1: the teenage boy. I dated this guy in my freshman year of high school. He cheated on me, on my birthday, so I broke up with him. (Boys are dumb…) Over two years later, this guy asked me to marry him in German. He refused to tell me what he was asking… all he would tell me was that it was a yes or no question. So, I said “If I don’t know the question, then the answer is ‘no’.” Then, he revealed what the question was. My answer did not change, because we were not dating – I’d broken up with him over two years earlier and we did not get back together. WTF? Teenagers. We were weird.

Proposal 2: Cocky high school boyfriend who I moved in with during the break between my first and second years of college. He proposed to me sitting on his bed at his house. No going down on one knee or anything. I’m pretty sure we were in pajamas… so there was no special event or anything. Just, sitting on the side of his bed. I don’t remember what he said, so I doubt it was the classic “Will you marry me?” It was probably more like the story of my dad proposing to my mom with “So, uh, I guess we should get married?” This was my first “yes.” I broke off the engagement when I ended the relationship because I realized I was in a controlling, manipulative relationship with an asshole.

Proposal 3: Shittiest boyfriend of S’s life. I broke up with this guy because he was a shitty boyfriend. He begged me to take him back, but I didn’t want to. I did, for reasons that will be explained in a later post. He suddenly became a decent boyfriend, but I was done. He tried to propose when he was returning some things to me, but I would have none of it. By this point, I should have learned that I needed to find better men to date. I clearly was choosing poorly.

Proposal 4: My first marriage. This man was sweet, and knew how to be romantic. He drove out to get my dad’s permission – old school. Note: he had a sunburn from that adventure, which was very confusing for me. I worked all day, had a 4+ hour commute to visit him, and didn’t eat dinner. I was hungry, tired, and cranky (hangry). He had a whole plan; he picked out a spot on a hill with a nice view of the stars. He had a picnic basket and a blanket, but he only had wine and crackers with cheese. So, I needed “real” food. I grumpily asked him to please get me some real food because I was feeling pretty crummy without dinner. We picked up fried chicken from a Safeway in town, haha. Not my regular fare, but it worked out. We get up to the hill, nice view. I’m exhausted. We’re sitting on the blanket and he nervously pulled out the ring while sitting next to me. He asked the classic question. But, my answer wasn’t “yes” it was “you know I will.” We had fun, but that marriage wasn’t forever.

Proposal 5: My second marriage. This man worked really hard on the ring and the proposal idea. He planned to propose at the top of a trad climbing route, but the timing didn’t work out. He chose New Year’s Eve. We went to an event with a band we liked, and he got down on one knee at midnight. I anticipated it, and was embarrassed. I said “yes” but I also pulled him up and tried to hide immediately. I feel like that should have been a sign.

Conclusion: None of these proposals made me feel happy. I’ve seen those videos of the women screaming, crying happy tears, jumping up and down in excitement – none of those were me. None of my proposals gave me feelings of joy or excitement. Honestly, that should have been a clear indication that I didn’t want to commit to these men for the rest of my life. If I ever get married again, it will only be to someone that makes me cry happy tears at the thought of spending the rest of my life with them. I will not settle for anything less.

So, that’s why I said: If you’re not crying happy tears, maybe don’t get married? Find your version of that. Find your “real love” and open your heart.

I love you, but I won’t be marrying you. Sorry, -S.