This post is available as a podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/FMA6Hf0OHyb

This is a hot-topic lately, and due to its inherent nature of false truths – I wanted it to post it near April Fool’s day this year (my least favorite holiday…) Gaslighting is, in short, when someone overrides your experience with their own version. In milder cases, you might find yourself questioning your experience, but in more extreme cases you might find yourself questioning your sanity. I’ve experienced a lot of gaslighting, but I want this post to be a deconstruction of that experience, not a dumping of the ways in which I was gaslighted. See, because of the way that I see people, I see the gaslighting from a root cause within the individual doing it – not as an intentional means of controlling another person. I’m certain there are folks that do it intentionally, but there’s an inherent insecurity underlying a deeply painful tactic to make them feel more secure.

The grandest form of gaslighting in my life was the story with my father. My father did some things that he was so ashamed of that he couldn’t face them. So, what did he do? He denied them. He rewrote the story to make himself less “bad.” Now, his actions were not that “bad,” they were just poor choices. They contradicted his view of himself in a way that he could not integrate into his personal views. Thus, they were rejected, rewritten, and the “villain” was recast as someone else. This became gaslighting when he insisted that my experience, my memory, and my story were false. He went so far as to tell me that his “villain” had implanted those memories in my mind and they had it out for him. It’s delusional. The countless arguments between us all stemmed from this one contradiction in our experiences, not malice towards me, nor a desire to control me, but a desire to preserve himself. Gaslighting happens for many different reasons, and in my father’s case it was a sign of his own insecurities and lack of processing. He wasn’t evil, he wasn’t “bad,” but he was damaged. After 25 years, I finally saw what was happening. He’s not in my life anymore…

I think that much of gaslighting is coming from a fragile sense of insecurity. While this can never excuse the behavior, it humanizes the person doing it. How can we break that cycle if we assume that all persons who gaslight others are evil? I don’t think we can. It’s like the views of rapists: if we categorize them in a monster-level atrocious group… we cast them aside instead of seeking a way to help them STOP the activities that are so harmful to others. We, as a society, are starting to speak up about this with regards to rape, but honestly – we have so much further to go! Gaslighting is not the same, but it needs the same lens. If we don’t find a way to see the humanity in these abusers so we can work to heal the things that led to their actions, we are – honestly – performing a similar oversight to the humanity in those of genocide. I spoke of my deep dive into those atrocities in my last post. One thing that I learned from all that I studied was that it was the normal, everyday people, who became murderers under the right forms of persuasion. So, if we invert the analysis, people who commit such atrocities may be “ordinary people” somewhere inside. Some of you may hate me for saying that, but that’s who I am: I see humanity in all of us.

Perhaps that’s the reason I’ve been a “victim” of gaslighting many times? I’m okay with that. I would rather see the humanity in someone cast as a villain than miss the humanity in someone suffering. That’s my choice. In my experiences with gaslighting, each of the people who did it did so through insecurity, self-image projections, and/or resentment (due to either jealousy or an overextension of themselves.) That doesn’t make them evil. It does make them people that need help. The insecure need to rebuild their security. Those with poor self-image issues need to rebuild their self-worth. Those with resentment need to do some internal work and find their boundaries (or find the source of the jealousy and process it, if that’s the cause.) The gaslighters in my life are no longer in my life because I couldn’t “fix” them. It’s not my job to fix them. I can see their issues in themselves, but only they can walk a path to heal those. Their choice. If you have gaslighters in your life, you can’t fix them, either.

The reason I write this is because it’s how I found peace. Thinking of someone as a monster for the pain they caused me was never an option. Look back at my description of my alcoholic stepfather from my first post. I always said “if I could hate anyone, it would be him.” I don’t hate him; I work to ensure that I don’t hate anyone. Believing in monsters, blaming them; it doesn’t give me peace. Humanizing them, seeing their pain, and realizing that it isn’t my fault – that’s how I find peace. I find forgiveness and peace in the realization that none of us are perfect. Realizing that, no matter the pain, it isn’t my burden to bear. It isn’t yours, either. Love.

This is a funny story about burdens… that I carry because I’m silly.

You all know those people that try and bring in the entire set of grocery bags at one time… I’m one of those people. Maybe some of you are, too?! I try to juggle as much as I can carry in many circumstances. I didn’t carry a normal backpack in undergrad. I carried a giant hiking backpack. Why? Because I couldn’t fit all my stuff in a regular backpack, and I needed the fully reinforced back support of a structured, framed hiking pack. I carried math books, physics books. notebooks, food, large water bottles, dance clothes, dance shoes, theatre books, plus all the regular school supplies like pens and pencils. I was the go-to person if someone needed something for a class, or an injury, etc. I was a girl scout… so I was always prepared.

A short, funny story from this – for others – was that people would make fun of me for it. “Hey, can you carry me, too?” was the most common ridiculous request and “That thing’s bigger than you are!” was a very common exclamation as I stomped across campus daily with all my gear. You need gear to survive college, right?! I was well-equipped. I continued using that backpack my first year of graduate school, and finally gave it up about three years into grad school because I was so tired of all the exclamations – plus, I had my own office. So, I was able to use my large hiking pack to bring things to campus and take them home, but keep a smaller bag in my office for carrying around campus during the day. I thought it was clever, anyway. The hiking pack came back when I started working as a professor… it was frowned on. My system today I feel is far less efficient, but I manage. I now use a regular backpack with cold bags clipped onto it by carabiners to hold my food. I do carry less than I once did, but – damn, do I miss my hiking backpack.

A short addendum story: I was moving boxes of books into my office, in Birkenstock sandals. My office is on the third floor, and I’m that crazy person who carries boxes of books up the stairs in sandals, with a full backpack on top. To my chagrin, the sandals + weight of books and bags resulted in one stair at a time (I’m a two-stairs-at-a-time stair climber.) You can laugh at my stubborn ass, because the last box actually convinced me to get on the elevator (sacrilege!) which I refuse to use unless absolutely necessary. If you have learned anything from this, it should be that I am a stubborn pack mule of a human who will go to great lengths to carry heavy objects up flights of stairs. Thanks. Don’t be like me. Carry only the burdens worth your while.

Gaslighting creates a burden, but hate is also a burden. Know the burdens that you choose to carry, and carry them with love.

Your experiences are valid. You know yourself better than anyone else. Love to you, -S.