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There are things in life where our expectations set us up for disappointment. I was talking with a friend recently who was upset by the nitpicking of her landlord at move out. She was so upset about how kind she had been to her landlord, who had been kind in return, but was now all business. My first husband chose a different perspective. He decided that deposits for rentals were lost money; any return of the deposit was a bonus. Thus, his perspective allowed him to let go of any expectation, and regardless of how nit-picky the landlord later became – he was unfazed by it. It’s all about expectations.

This was a lesson for me that I learned from friends and my first husband. Choosing my perspective and expectations defines how I enter new situations. How I enter those situations defines the risk of disappointment. The example with a deposit on a rental extends far beyond the single situation. When we can let go of expectations, we open up opportunities for happiness, or at a minimum: peace.

I’ve applied this to many aspects of my life. I don’t expect my students to like me. When I cared about that, they didn’t like me as much. In case this is surprising, it’s tied directly to a projection of my feelings. If I’m worried about my students liking me, they will pick up on that, and a lot of them will like me less because they sense the inherent lack of self-confidence behind those feelings. When I decided that “getting them to like me” was an expectation I didn’t need to meet, they liked me more. I was more comfortable and confident in the classroom, and the students responded better. This is true in a lot of relationships with others. The more we care about the outcome, the more investment we make. That investment shows the expectation behind the insecurity and actually makes it harder to get the outcome we want. In this way, being your authentic self truly does build the connection better than any work towards that connection that is forced. Callback to Flow, once again.

I don’t expect people to like my ideas or my perspective anymore, either. I have a lot of ideas, and when they’re supported by others, I make them happen. I try not to do anything in a vacuum for this very reason. I thrive in collaboration because I can rely on others to check my ideas and build on them to make them better. What surprises me the most is that I just keep building things because I find that support now that I put things out without fear of rejection. I present an idea because I think of it, or I like it, without the expectation that it’ll be accepted – and somehow, those are the ideas that take off. Expectations lead to risks and have “failures,” but when we release the expectations our results are a release or success.

I consider myself risk-averse. I don’t gamble. Perhaps it’s the math background, but I prefer the safer route whenever gambling is involved. I want known risks and known rewards. I don’t risk my money or my health. I eat well, exercise, etc. Yet, I love climbing, flying, and the thrill of physical risks where heights are involved. When I was in high school, I used to climb up into the catwalk to do homework, or take a nap. I can’t count the number of times I overheard people looking for me below, no clue I was over 30 feet above them. I love heights, and I love the feeling of flying through the air – thus my love of aerial dance. Those things give me a high, or a rush, that feels worthy of the risk. I honestly don’t feel like I’m taking a risk in those activities.

Why? These are clearly “risky” activities. I could get injured, or in extreme circumstances – die. It’s a flip on the perspective and expectations here. If I focus on the risks, then I actually hold myself back from the enjoyment and release of the activity. I lose Flow. I have to release all expectations and be present in the activity to do it well. I have to find flow in the movement. Similarly, if you can release the expectations and find peace in the present, you will find your flow in those aspects of your life.

This week’s story is about climbing slab – when I did feel like I was taking a risk.

British Columbia is truly beautiful. We took a trip out there when I was in a boot after tearing my calf, and fell in love with Squamish. I didn’t get to climb much because of the boot, but I grew up in a similar climate, so I loved it anyway. So, when my second husband and I got married, we decided to take our honeymoon in Squamish on a similar trip – only this time I could climb because all my limbs were functional!

However, what you might not know is that Squamish is known for its slab climbing (I didn’t know this at the time.) Slab, for anyone who is not familiar, is basically spiderman climbing… stick your hands and feet to a slanted surface with as much surface area and pressure as you can muster, then just cling to the wall by magic (okay, friction!) Now, this might be less scary for sport climbing or top rope… but we were doing trad climbing. Trad climbing is where you lay the route with pieces that you have to place along your path into the rock surface without damaging the rock. The lead places the pieces, and the follower has to take them out. Slab doesn’t have much for placement because it’s spiderman climbing… so there were 20ft stretches without any gear. My husband at the time was notably stressed, but on the first stretch made it to a place with a little tree and sat to watch me clean the route.

Folks, I haven’t cursed that much on a climb in all my life. Every curse word I had came out my mouth, but mostly it was just “Fuck.” on repeat. I have fallen on climbs, I have done stupid things on climbs, but nothing compared to the fear of slab climbing that day. Nearly 30 feet of loose rope between me and the next hold, which looked like it could easily come out. Why was the rope loose?! Right, because it was horizontal from my location. When the rope is vertical, the tension in the rope is helpful to your ascent, but when the rope is horizontal, tension is only going to make it worse. So, I knew that if I were to slip, best case scenario was a swing off the next piece of gear. But, if that gear failed, I’d be plummeting down to an edge and trees. Fuck.

I made it. No worries. I clung like spiderman to that wall, and I learned that day that slab climbing was not my thing. I felt rather euphoric after all the terror wore off, but I had no desire to do more of it. WTF, slab climbers?! Do you have a death wish? It was the first time in a while that I realized I was afraid of dying. There was something in my future that I cared about: I wanted a family. If I fell that day, that may have never happened. My expectation in my second marriage was to make a family. Fear of losing that psyched me out on that slab, and while I made it – I would have been less stressed without that fear. Expectations impact us all the time. What are your expectations? Are any of them holding you back?

If there’s a risk worth taking: it’s releasing expectations.

I don’t expect you to love me, or even like me, but I love you. Have a wonderful week! -S.