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We all struggle with our internal critic. The one that instinctively uses negative reinforcement any time we are unhappy with something about ourselves. This post is about reframing things when we catch ourselves in negative reinforcement land, so we can become more confident and secure in ourselves – which leads us to more success. I ask my students to do this, too. It’s positive reinforcement time!

This is one of the things I talk about with acquaintances the most. Whenever I meet someone and I see their insecurity we usually end up talking about cognitive reframe. I get a read on them and I try to test whether such a conversation is on the table for them. It isn’t always. However, when it is a conversation they’re ready to have, it can set them on a path to finding their security and confidence. There is a relief of weight when we let go of our inner critic enough to believe in our ability. This is harder when someone is indecisive, but the core behind the indecisiveness and the insecurity is the same.

The indecisiveness (for me) is an extension of a desire to not “step on any toes” or “be difficult.” Sort of hilarious, because it can really infuriate some people when I’m indecisive (hahaha!) I know a lot of indecisive people, like me. We can have these standoffs of indecisiveness that I always turn into silliness because, WOW, we’re ridiculous. Both of us, trying not to infringe on the other persons wants or needs and be a people pleaser. This is when the more confident side of me will sometimes step in and either suggest something or find a way to humorously make it their decision.

The insecurity is more an extension of a desire to be accepted, not judged. When we want something we do to be accepted, we are putting weight in the judgement of someone else. If we find security in ourselves, then their judgement becomes secondary. The approval of others is a rather alluring thing… when we receive that approval it can elate us. We know that there is grace in being humble, so no matter how much we like ourselves and what we do, that perspective lends us to believe that we’re only as good as what others tell us. If we think we’re good, but they don’t, then where does that leave us? Honestly, I would say: learn to trust yourself, love yourself, but still be gracious.

I love singing. I always have. However, it’s a place where I hold insecurity. I would audition for musicals and my voice would shrink. I can belt a ballad, I can sing opera through my whole body, but I couldn’t sing at an audition to save my life. Why? Insecurity. When I used to sing as a child, I drove my mother crazy. (Don’t we all?) She didn’t like me singing along to her music. When I would belt “The Power of Love” by Celine Dion, she told me to go outside to sing. In her defense, I’m sure my voice as a child was still learning and growing, but I felt like my singing was awful. I loved to sing, but I started singing less and less over time. I loved it too much to let it go, but I took those feelings to heart. It took me years to start singing in front of anyone.

I did seek out training for my voice in high school and college, it helped. But, my insecurity always held me back. I would lose composure if I sang with anyone nearby. One of my best friends from high school walked by a room where I was practicing “All that Jazz” for a vocal performance class in college, and he was smart enough to stay outside because he got to hear how I really sing. He stopped me the next time I saw him and complimented me on how I sounded while I was practicing. It made me cry. Y’know, the way a sincere compliment does when you’re used to criticism.

Finally, sometime in my 30s, I started letting go of my insecurity. Why? Because I like the way I sing and I love doing it. I stopped caring so much about how others felt about it. So, if there’s something that you enjoy doing, that’s reason enough to embrace it and do more of it. Period. If you truly “suck” at it, everyone else can take their opinions elsewhere. Do the things you love, folks. Find some joy!

Negative reinforcement is the action of “beating yourself up” when you do something you didn’t like. Positive reinforcement shifts the emphasis from what you did “wrong” to how to do it “right.” First, emphasize the things that you did well. Then, when you hear that negative reinforcement start barraging you with bad things, reframe them. “I messed up that note” changes to “If I can relax in my shoulders and throat, that note will come out.” These shifts will change your life. You’ll find yourself doing better and feeling better in these things. I know I do. You can, too.

I ask my students to do this in mathematics. Some of the ways I do this are in Participation assignments. On review days, I will often ask the students to write themselves a pep talk, or write out the content they feel good about and then a list of what they need to work on (emphasizing the actions – what they need to do to feel good about them.) Occasionally, if an exam has a low mean and median, I will ask the students to do a rewrite assignment. In these assignments, I ask them to rework the problem, and then write a sentence about what they learned when they worked through it. I make it clear that I want positive action statements like “When we determine an antiderivative, there is always an added unknown constant that we represent by C because the derivative of a constant is zero.” (Note: the negative reinforcement here is “I forgot the +C.”) This is backed by research. Emphasize what to do “right,” not what went “wrong” and you will find your outlook, performance, and security all improving. Love.

It took too long for me to find a story for this one. I decided I would lump together my tools for the scenarios when I find myself in indecisiveness standoffs. The scenarios make me smile, hopefully you will, too.

1. Point out the standoff. Laugh about it. “Neither of us is willing to make a decision… hahahahaha.” Sometimes when I do this, the other person jumps in and makes a call because I’ve pointed out our standoff. When they don’t, I know it’s my turn to jump in and suggest a decision. This one happens the most frequently for me.
2. Make a choice just to determine if either of you has real feelings about the outcome. When given options, if you don’t think you care, but once a decision is made you feel a slight “awww, darn.” inside yourself – you cared about the outcome. Change the decision. This one is an extension of the last one, if you look out for any disappointment from yourself or the other person in the standoff, you can quickly change the decision.
3. Be obstinate about your indecisiveness, but with good humor. I usually do this with a playful version of “I’m not making this decision. Your call.” with a big smile that shows how playful I’m being. Even the most indecisive person realizes this is a challenge and not a demand, in my experience. They might get flustered, or still try to get your input, but if you do as I do: stay playful while also insisting that I will not make the call, they usually come around. If I see anything resembling panic, I stop and help them. I’m trying to provide a safe space for them to feel comfortable making a decision, panic is the opposite of that.

With work you, too, can learn how to take up space to become more decisive.

May you reframe your disappointments into actionable improvements and find yourself happier. So much love, -S.