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This is a hard one to write. I struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD.) Which means that I can have catastrophic responses to feelings of rejection that come from small versions “no.” I think my dad has it, too. Any small criticism would cause me to feel like I wasn’t worthy of existing. I was often further criticized by my inability to take criticism gracefully. I was labeled as a perfectionist, overdramatic, and sensitive. However, the foundation of these feelings was in a deeply rooted insecurity that I was not “enough.”

People pleasers develop due to the human need to feel loved when in environments where they feel that love from their caretakers is conditional. If love is conditional, then it’s dependent on meeting the standards of those I want to love me. This creates a hole in my heart because it presents such relationships as entirely dependent upon the giver of the love and satisfying their desires. The inherent message for the people pleaser (receiver of the love) is that they are only worthy of love when meeting those desires, and unworthy of love outside of those circumstances. The insecurity and dependency formed in this imbalance causes anxious attachments and codependency in future relationships. That’s been my problem in all my relationships.

I read it hundreds of times, maybe thousands: you must love yourself to truly love others. There’s so much underneath this statement that is completely lost if that’s all you take away from it. However, until you truly “get it” (aka “love yourself”) there’s no way to know what you’re missing underneath that statement. Let me try to elucidate it for you…

Before you can love yourself, you have to know yourself. If you, like me, spend your life as a people pleaser who keeps following the approval of others instead of looking inside yourself for what you want, need, and feel – you probably don’t know yourself. I didn’t. I mean, on some level I did. I was so used to being a chameleon that could shift into any environment that I have too many versions of myself that seem contradictory – I wasn’t sure which ones were me because there were so many and I spent time in all of them. Which versions of you light you up inside? Which versions of you are just okay? That’s how I found my core.

Now, to be fair, it took friends that knew me over several years to reflect who I am for me to see this. Who and what make you feel a giddy glee inside? Who and what make you feel like you have to work to please them? The former is your key, the latter is what we learned was “normal.” For me, I have friends that I can talk to for hours on end without ever getting bored or wanting to leave their side. Those are my people. They reflect the parts of me I love and they remind me who I am at my core. Friends: I love you. I love you with a bursting heart overfull of gratefulness for your existence. I love you with a million hugs and a desire to make you feel as wonderful as I do just having you in my life. I love you.

If you’re like me, now is about the time you might be thinking: “They don’t know the real me,” “I don’t deserve their love,” etc. STOP. IT. I was there, too. YOU are worthy of the love that people give you. They are choosing to give it to you of their own free will, and when you embrace their love instead of running from it – your heart will fill and grow. Realize that when you push back, or resist (hey, remember the post about flow? If not, go read it, it’s relevant here!) their love 1) you’re rejecting them (yeah! I said it), and 2) you’re not in flow. It’s important to be humble, but when someone gives you love, it’s important to accept it. Not just for you, but for them.

Rejection never feels good. Acceptance is the goal. Accept the love, and give in to the flow. Stop working so hard to please people (I need to hear that, too.) If you have to work hard and sacrifice to earn love, it’s probably conditional on you being outside yourself. If you know yourself: your values, goals, interests, style, etc. and people are asking you to compromise those things for their love: those are not your people. If you can be your wild, weird, crazy self (without hurting people!) and people still love you – those are your people. Those are probably the people in your life giving you the love that you are resisting. You are worthy of that love, and if you embrace it, it’ll all make sense later.

I tried, many times, to be the version of me that other people wanted. I love acting, so it was easy to play the part. But, if the part you are playing isn’t the real you, it won’t last forever and it will only eat away at your heart. Being someone else’s version of me ate away at my heart. It made me feel repressed, trapped in a box that seemed to grow smaller every day. Every time I chose to be someone else’s version of me I eventually realized I was depressed. Every time I ended a relationship, I would gravitate back to the real me – until I fell into another relationship. Friends are more likely to know the real me than romantic partners. Most of my friendships growing up were fleeting because I moved so much, so the fear of losing a friend was quickly relieved.

Romantic love, though. Remember when I said that I sought love in such relationships to meet the love missing in my childhood? Right. In childhood, those that raise us are “supposed to” love us unconditionally. Even if they do, the belief that love from our caregivers is conditional creates a hole. That was a hole that needed mending, for me. The people pleasing needed to be recognized and addressed. To love ourselves, we need to not just know ourselves, but also recognize and heal the holes that made us feel unworthy. I hope you recognize your holes, and that you know you have the strength to heal them. Love does not need to be conditional. You deserve people that love you for the real you, the you that lights YOU up.

It took becoming a parent for me to truly believe I was worthy of love. I hope, dear reader, that you find your worthiness before I did. Divorce is hard. Coparenting is hard. But, honestly? I’m the happiest version of myself because I have friends that love the real me, and I know now what I love about myself. I still love all the accomplishments that people pleasing got me. But, I love my heart; I love people. I love connection, openness, and seeing people. I love seeing people do things that make them happy; I revel in their happiness. I love being silly; I’m happiest when I can be ridiculous with people and know that they enjoy it. Ridiculous outfits, dancing in inappropriate locations, shouting excitedly, etc. I’m all about absurdity and physical comedy; it’s how I get my students laughing when things seem too awkward. What is it about you that makes you YOU? Revel in it.

My story this week is just a short story of me being me, because that seems fitting.

I grew up in the time of The Little Mermaid release, and I lived on the West coast near the beach. I love the ocean with a passion greater than a thousand suns (okay, how do we even measure passion of the sun? I’m just being poetical.) The ocean is like a mother to me, I grew up with her, I go back and visit her, sometimes I even talk to her about my life and ask for advice – it’s grounding for me. I think I loved The Little Mermaid so much because it was a movie about an ocean girl, like me. I wanted to be a mermaid because the ocean felt like home. I wanted to become one with the ocean, and becoming a mermaid sounded like the way to still be me, but also be with the ocean. Throw in the love story (which you know I was ALL over…) and it was my movie. I love to sing. I don’t talk about it much because it was severely repressed due to my RSD whenever someone would critically evaluate my singing. I sang all of Ariel’s songs, but my favorite was the “ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah” part when her voice is stolen. So, child me, used to find a rock on the beach and perch on the rock as Ariel to sing that. I wanted to be her. (There’s some underlying stuff here that isn’t funny, so I’ll skip over it – maybe post about it later.) It was cute, and gave my mom a laugh, for sure. The funny part about this story is that my mom encourages me to recreate these moments almost every time we go to the beach together. I indulge her, and y’know, when I was younger I thought it was embarrassing. Today, now that I love me, I indulge in those moments too. I embrace that child version of me, and I will sing “ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah” on a rock for that child, and for my mom. If you happen to see some strange adult singing on a rock like Ariel, you’re welcome. That’s my kind of ridiculousness. I love it 🙂

Love that has to be earned is not the love you seek.

I love you – for the real you. Find those in your life that do and embrace them. -S.