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Perhaps you’ve heard of it: Flow. An almost trance-like state experienced when you are so present in the moment that what you’re doing is in flow, or in other words, so natural and connected that you feel “in it.” It’s common in arts, sports, and teaching. I love flow. I experience it in my research, teaching, dance, theatre, singing, and even in writing these posts. I might be a flow-seeker… if that’s a thing.

I seek flow in life. Not just my job, or my artistic interests, but all aspects of my life: Driving, skiing, walking, making dinner, cleaning a toilet… everything. The opposite of flow is any situation with a force and resistance interaction. Flow feels right. It’s the feeling you get when you feel like you’re “on the right path.” When we try to force something to happen, or we resist something that’s trying to happen – we fall out of flow and we, even if it’s lightly, suffer.

I’m guilty of forcing and resisting, we all are. We’re human, we’ll never be perfectly in flow. That doesn’t mean we can’t seek it, though. There’s a sense of calm joy that comes with flow, like the pieces of the universe connect and join you through the action. I was never particularly religious; I was raised secular. However, I did take the time to consider my spirituality and beliefs. I defined my ethics and morals based on principles of being a good human. However, I imagine that regardless of the religious or spiritual background you hold, dear reader, you can relate to an interconnectedness of the universe. That’s how I think of it. I think what we do matters, and we feel the connection when we find our flow.

I keep talking about trauma because it is a foundation for so much of my work and growth. I recognize that most of the times I tried to force or resist – the urge to do so stemmed from trauma. Feelings of fear or desire, mostly. I’ve admitted that I lost myself in my search for romantic love out of a desire for love that was lacking in my childhood. I forced puzzle pieces that were never meant to fit mine because I wanted that love so intensely. I tried to make it happen, again and again. I lost myself along the way every time. I wasn’t in flow, I was treating it like a goal-oriented task instead of a natural flow of life.

Love comes so naturally to me, but not that kind of love. When you combine obsession with a goal-orientation and apply them to love – it’s never going to go well. I can’t speak to finding real love, every time I thought I found it – I didn’t. I can say that it requires a sense of flow, because all the grand things in life have a sense of flow. May we find that someday, if you seek it, too.

We can never force anything that involves other people. We can try, but the reality of this dynamic is that it will harm one or both parties. In the case of force, it can become abuse, or a drain (as in my last post.) In my experience, force is compelled by desire, and resistance is compelled by fear. We resist the things that give us fear. It’s funny, (actually, it’s not funny) I’ve resisted love nearly as much as I’ve forced it. I resist those that have the potential for real love, out of fear. I forced those that didn’t have the potential for real love out of a desire to just “make it happen.” Like baking cookies: throw in the ingredients, combine with careful precision, do the work, put them in the “right environment,” then let them bake… you get love, right? No. Sadly, Cookies != Love…

Both the desire and the fear are stemming from, you guessed it, trauma (at least, for me.) The desire was trying to fill a hole in my heart, and the fear was of rejection by someone I genuinely cared for. When I write it out, it kinda burns… WTF was young S. thinking?! I don’t know. Young S. still had some stuff to work out, but let’s be fair: older S. still has some stuff to work out. If you declare you’re done working on yourself someday… I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you’re probably missing something. This life isn’t about winning the game (ha! If you know what I mean, you just lost “the game.”) For me, this life is about connection. Someone else said it, but it’s a journey and not a destination. What you do matters. Intention matters. The love you give matters.

Where am I right now? Love. It was rather recently that I said to people “Fuck love, I can’t do it again.” or “I don’t want to feel like this again. Every time I open my heart to someone, it’s promptly smashed.” or “Next time I have real feelings for someone, I’ll just rip out my own heart.” Resigned to my fate of single parenthood until someday I’m just old, living alone with 12 cats. I hope it’s obvious that this is extreme. I am a master of hyperbole. Because I fall in love every day with the idea of real love. I try to date people that are kind, but not in the search of loving them. Somehow, it still gets stoked and I have to recognize the fear and calm it. I hope you, too, can recognize your desires and fears – and calm them to find flow.

To wish you luck, I will use my favorite alternative from dance: “Merde!”

My story today is about a time that was sincerely lacking in flow, but the result was hilarious:

I’ve been dancing for as long as I can remember. I love to dance. I started ballroom dancing when I was 16, and when I went off to college I soon gravitated to the Lindy hop community at my school. Lindy hop is a fast-paced swing dance that is extremely dynamic, bouncy, and full of crazy lifts and tricks. As someone with a gymnastics background who LOVES flying through the air, I loved Lindy hop. So, I started dating the instructor… I was really dumb about relationships, folks. (Hahahaha… facepalm. FTR: that wasn’t why I dated them, at least not intentionally.) They weren’t that much older than me… okay they were 7 years older than me and I was 19 (shame face. You can laugh, I’m laughing about it now.) Cool. So, that came with the bonus of learning the dance quickly, getting extra practice, and opportunities to perform rather early in my progression. I got to dance with some great partners and perform cool tricks that were super fun and genuinely impressive – I’m super grateful for all that I did in that time. One of the performances that I choreographed, I was partnered with my best friend’s boyfriend. The only reason this story is funny is because there was absolutely no attraction or relationship between me and her boyfriend. One of the tricks we planned to do involves the follow jumping in a straddle, and the lead pushing the follow over his head… only I didn’t go over his head. I’m sure you get the picture. We were not in flow, our timing was off, and best of all: it’s on video in my archives! No, I’m not going to share it, and I’m not sorry about that. Your mental image is sufficient.

Stay in flow, and you won’t get hit in the face.

Love to you, but not the forced kind, -S.