Available as a podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/TBVdsX4q4wb

I’m S. I write a lot of things out for myself. This blog was started by conversations with friends (mostly via text), and sharing things I’d written out for myself. My friends say I’m eloquent or something, but I think you’ll find that I write colorful, crafted stories. Stories of my experience. You get a peek into my mind, how I process and think. My friends like it (which is probably why they’re my friends.) For anyone who someday reads this, I will add my perspective and lessons learned as much as is possible. I find seeing through others’ lenses is often the most enlightening of media to extend my own perspective.

What makes me a good author for such a blog? I don’t know, really. I have a PhD, if that’s worth anything to you. It’s not in writing; it’s actually in math. Perhaps it’s my artistic background? No, that’s all in the ethereal nature of the performing arts. They don’t last the way words do. One of the reasons the performing arts hold their value is the fact that every performance is unique. We, as human beings, do not produce the exact same vocal notes, nor do we deliver the lines with exactly the same intonation, nor do we land in exactly the same location on the stage, etc. Each performance is subtly different, like ripples on the water; creating a magical nature in the artistic form.

That was a fun diversion. I do that a lot. It turns out I’m very high-functioning for someone with expressions of ADHD, ASD, and CPTSD. Expect random tangents, and not just the kind that lie tangent to a curve. Oh, yeah – random math references are likely to be a thing. I also enjoy the absurd, so don’t be surprised if I tell you about my favorite dream and it sounds like a completely whack-a-doodle nonsense thing. I love the absurd. Maybe I’ll tell you my favorite dream at the end of this… we’ll see.

Honestly, I’m only starting this blog because I enjoy writing and many people have spoken of how “beautiful” I write… I felt like there must be something within me worth contributing to the world. I mean, outside of mathematics and dance. I create a lot within those fields already. In this blog I want to focus on life. I seem to stand out in my perspectives on life, people, and connection.

See, I’m one of those humans that people sit next to and open the cracks in their walls. And no, I don’t mean those cracks… c’mon people. (Hahaha) We all hold walls to protect who we are from those who might reject us. If there is one aspect of my person that would win the prize for “most positive comments” it would be my understanding. I think that means I make people feel seen and accepted. So, I want to share my mind. Maybe it will help you open the cracks in your walls? Maybe it’ll just make you laugh, or cry. I’ve seen many tears over the years. The tears of people who needed someone to see them. It makes me think of Amanda Palmer’s story about being a living statue… Standing still, but seeing people. The acknowledgement of being seen is a remarkable exchange. When you see others, you find love in them.

I love everyone I know. Not, like, “fall in love and get married”-love. Philia and agape, or friend-love and universal love. I had to cut my dad out of my life due to abusive behavior, but I still love him deeply. I see his pain, I understand why he is who he is and why he did what he did, but I couldn’t be hurt by him anymore. My stepfather was an abusive alcoholic, but I always saw the underneath. I saw that he was a child of an abusive alcoholic that taught him to be tough. I saw that he was tormented and seeking escape from his shame. I saw that some of the things he said and did were not “of” him, but reflections of who he thought he was supposed to be. None of these things excuse the abuse I suffered at his hands, but they give me peace in understanding. They save me the fate of hate. I see hate as the darkest part of our existence – a thing to work past whenever it arises. No hate here, ever. Always love. My first tattoo says “Love is the only solution” because it spoke to who I am at my core. Love, always.

That got dark for a minute… I should warn you that my life is dark. It’s extraordinarily messy. The worst stories will likely never see this blog because enough of my friends would like to beat up people from my past… I’m not going to set the internet on fire to defend me. I’m okay. I understand the reasons for my trauma, and I’ve spent a lot of time healing my pain. If anything, I hope I can help you with yours. Because, if I met you – I’d love you. You’re a beautiful human, you know that, right? At the deepest core of ourselves is something beautiful. If I can help you find it, I will. I see it in every person I meet, but not everyone is ready to find that in themselves. Love.

This post was not as silly as I would have hoped… so here’s my silly dream story:

Sometime around the chaos of my parents’ divorce, I had the most memorable dream I’ve ever experienced. It was utter chaos, much like my life at the time. It was an epic chase scene involving cars and monsters, and an umbrella for some reason (why did I have an umbrella?) Anyway, this Godzilla-like creature (and I’d never watched Godzilla) was going to kill me, a car was vrooming towards me, and a weird witch-lady landed on the hood of the car with a vacuum. The car stopped abruptly (like, it didn’t even seem consistent with physics, dead stop.) So, witch-lady on top of a car, Godzilla on the other side, I’m holding an umbrella (what? Why?!) The witch lady starts swinging the end of the vacuum (one of those ones with the motor in one part and the actual suction end attached to it by a tube), by the tube. Then she proclaims “I’m going to suck you up!” At which point the dream lost all sense of terror. However long I’d been running away from monsters in that dream, it all dropped away by the complete absurdity that had climaxed at her threatening to suck me up with a vacuum. I woke up quickly, confused. No longer scared, but on the edge of laughing. It’s the only dream I still remember because it became a story then. Afraid of Godzilla? Check. Afraid of moving vehicle? Check. Afraid of a witch? Check. But, a VACUUM?! No. Sorry, this dream lost its validity at the vacuum. I’m out. – S.

Thanks for reading! That was longer than expected, but that’s true of all my writings. Expect ridiculous randomness infused with love, humor, and (on my good days) wisdom. I hope you find my stories like shells on a beach; perhaps you leave most of them behind, but maybe you’ll find at least one that is so preciously beautiful to you that you take it home in your heart. Love to you, -S.